


New home

by grainipiot



Series: King and Seneschal [1]
Category: League of Legends
Genre: Developing Relationship, M/M, Post "What once sailed free", Pre-Canon, Slow Burn, be ready this will be another long fic, probably a sort of character study, the relationship isn't really hinted for now but it will build up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 48,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23059684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grainipiot/pseuds/grainipiot
Summary: When he was sent with the other Reckoners to fight against Demacia, Xin Zhao wasn't aware his life would completely change afterward. All it took was to meet one man. The king.
Relationships: Jarvan Lightshield III/Xin Zhao
Series: King and Seneschal [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184723
Comments: 201
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> At last the xin/j3 backstory i promised so long ago! Beware, this fanfic is planned to be a bit long and feels will only happen later. This is another attempt at slow burn.  
> The aim is to stick to canon as possible but sometimes I may do some errors or fill in the gaps.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

A new life.

To phrase it like this was quite correct, he had been given a second chance to start all over again, this time in the kingdom of Demacia. Viscero was dead and Xin Zhao was alive again. Oh innerly he hadn’t really changed, still a part of this young boy taken from the First Lands. He was still the same, at the difference than now he would be able to truly give a purpose to his life.

Everything had been going really fast. From the moment he was sent West with the other Reckoners and fought this joke of a battle, to the time he was accepted at the king service, there must have been merely a few days. Now he was at the capital of the demacian kingdom for barely more than a few days.

Really, life could be strange in its ways but it seemed to have more for him. For a very long, Xin Zhao was happy. Not just the quiet cheering for still being alive after another fight in the arenas. Had he truly been happy since their small boat had been captured by Noxus many decades ago ? Such light feeling was like a blurry memory from childhood, looking at the ionian sea from the boat and he had found the same feeling when he first saw the great city of Demacia.

In itself it was so different than Noxus, as if the two nations were opposite. The only common point was the busy life, many people living here. Everything was golden, blue and white, luminous city showing the splendor of its kingdom. So far from the rough and imposing architecture of Noxus, all in dark tones. At the same time, Xin Zhao hadn’t seen much back then, he had no reason to wander.

Everything was new and it looked like he would always discover something worth seeing. The palace sure was a great surprise, in no way he would have been able to imagine this. And he was led there, in a reserved area for guards. He wouldn’t be given as quick the task of the king personal guard, it was too early and there were still many things he didn’t know about, like the whole organisation in this palace.

So far he had mainly known the training ground and the quarters reserved for guards. Life was so busy, he had no time to sit and think except once the day was over. Xin Zhao wouldn’t complain, he was used to a certain harsh routine and this was still better to endure than anything in Noxus.

There were still a lot of silent stares, comments unvoiced wherever he went. It wasn’t always so judgemental and he might understand why. He was a sort of foreigner here. Not everyone could manage to pronounce his name right, even after repeating it clearly. Words still ran fairly well and without a doubt he was now known as that one noxian gladiator that managed to enter the king’s favor.

A few soldiers had seen him fight – alone against so many – and since everything seemed to be told quickly, he had already a certain reputation. Xin Zhao didn’t know yet if he minded or not. There was no real bad side so far. To be given recognition for his fighting skill was still good but it might be because of the potential threat he represented. He was supposed to be free now but probably people would still consider him noxian, even partially. Again, as long as it didn’t hurt him or anyone in the process, he couldnt’ care less. He and King Jarvan knew who he was loyal to and that was all that mattered.

From the start he knew he would have to prove himself, as personal guard and as newly demacian. So it began on the training grounds, indeed showing his skill acquired through all this time spent in the arenas. This was one way to show he was worthy of the trust given by the king. Himself had explained it may take many years to be given the honor. He wouldn’t disappoint. Even less the few times King Jarvan actually paid a visit in the training grounds. Indeed he was equally used to the fights and practice was the best thing to stay efficient.

Overall Xin Zhao saw the king many times, through this long series of explanations and walks in long corridors after. It was rather normal, his duty was to be by his side and to protect him. Yet many times Captain Crownguard repeated it was a honor for a man like him to be able to even approach the king of Demacia. Her tone wasn’t pleasant and it never changed since he had first seen her in the royal tent the day he was set free. Probably seeing him walk around the palace was an outrage in her limited views.

Xin Zhao still understood many things. As close and fair the king may be to his people, there was still a sort of respectable boundary between the royal family and the common folks. Nothing too drastic but for someone so respected, it was curious to see such zeal from his entourage to keep his back. Protected. Was there such danger in the kingdom of Demacia ? It was so different from Noxus, Xin Zhao had still to understand the nuances. Everything seemed so peaceful here but was it truly the case ?

In any case he was still as serious in his duty. He learned quickly and followed every order. Such new environement left him any things to see yet but he got used to it little by little. He had time, after all. Furthermore, they told him he would be given specific quarters due to his own duty as personal guard. He wasn’t meant to be a simple soldier in the army and they were adamant in providing him what came rightfully with this role. Xin Zhao didn’t fight it. He had a roof, a bed, clean clothes and a reason to look forward. Unlike the arenas and the pure aim to still be standing by the end of the day. It was curious, in Noxus he wasn’t so badly treated but it was different to be seen as person more than a weapon worth a lot of money. This change of consideration was slow to understand but he would get used to it.

Now honor guided him and he felt proud to have chosen this path at last. May it give him the purpose he always seeked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!  
> so, i'm so glad to hear such nice things, y'all so sweet T__T i'll try to do my best!
> 
> thank you for reading!

This sort of rest didn’t last very long. Soon enough he was brought with a part of the demacian army to another battle. It didn’t surprise Xin Zhao a lot, he had heard about it when he was still in chains not so long ago. Words running among soldiers and commanders, hasty moves and whispers.

Since he was now at the service of the King and of Demacia, it was certainly expected to take him along the other soldiers for this battle. King Jarvan would go there because as he explained shortly to him, it would be ridiculous for a king to command and stay back. He couldn’t stay safe while so many put their lives in danger for the cause. After all, he served Demacia just like everyone else.

That comment stuck with Xin Zhao and it only convinced him further that he had done the right choice. To follow a king fighting for ideals and honor yet unwilling to keep that only in words. It required actions and King Jarvan took it gladly.

Even though the time spent in the great city of Demacia was rather short, it wasn’t a real matter. There was more important to do and his duty as personal guard dictated that he would follow the king everywhere. Part of the army had already started going to next battle since Kalstead while some had come back with the king to the capital. In the end, everyone would join each other in this crucial battle. Another point of tension with Noxus.

So to say, Xin Zhao didn’t have a lot of time to settle in a routine. There was always something happening and before he knew it, he was on the way to next fights by the king’s side.

To travel was still a bit tense, he was too aware of the many gazes on him despite discipline. Some – he couldn’t name them – were ready to watch him fall so soon and maybe would find some pleasure in that. None of it was voiced, of course. It would be really shameful to push such opinions. However, his case wasn’t the easiest to forget between his reputation as Viscero and the ghost of Noxus following him. Captain Crownguard had said so before, he wouldn’t truly be demacian. But was he noxian then ? Ionian ? None of it worked so he hoped one day he would be accepted as demacian, if he deserved it.

Nonetheless he wouldn’t let them push him down for no valid reason. He had sworn to protect King Jarvan with his very life, he wouldn’t fail. Xin Zhao understood some of these soldiers, sergeants had fought against him and feared his skill in combat but it shouldn’t be an issue now. To live through honor kept him from it and he was far too smart to attack the one who fed him and gave him back his freedom. It would have to do for now. No matter how heavy the stares on him when they thought he wasn’t aware.

All that mattered was King Jarvan. He wouldn’t fail him.

In a way, this first battle would be a test for his abilities, to see if indeed he would be good enough to be entrusted with the king’s safety. In any case King Jarvan was protected by everyone around and especially the Dauntless Vanguard. There wasn’t zero risk but it was so small, nothing would ever happen.

During all the way to the place of the future battle, where the camps were put in place, he had kept learning. Demacia seemed very fond of its order, strict discipline applied to the smallest thing. No wonder why some couldn’t bear the presence of a previous gladiator in their ranks, everything was set to be respected. Technically he wasn’t doing anything wrong and he had proven his worth enough for the King himself to take him as personal guard.

Xin Zhao had some difficulties to understand everything but he was already very thorough in all he did, taking a routine for his weapon and armor wasn’t new. Soon enough he would get used to that too, being part of a whole in which the smallest unease or malfunction could be risky. They moved as one, fought as one and cheered as one. To go from the individualistic views of the arenas to that was quite a change but again, he would adjust just well. As if all this time he had seeked this shared purpose for something greater than them.

Days went, it was slightly exhausting but it was still better than all he had to endure before. Being a personal guard, he wasn’t treated poorly, far from it. No matter how bad some of them glanced at him.

On the other hand, he saw again a few soldiers that had come to talk with him before, when his ankles were still chained and his fate uncertain. These were more impressed to see Xin Zhao fight by their side and moreso at a higher rank than them. It was fine though, some were a bit friendly with him, more than most. Something he held dearly, no matter what. For now he was still a stranger to everyone but a few saw him more like someone whose choice was taken away than a true noxian. Now he was an ally, no need to worry about it.

Not the easiest times but eventually it would get better. He ‘only’ had to stay cautious, be strong and avoid any misteps. No doubt a lot of people would try to use it as proof he wasn’t fitted for such high position. How could anyone pretend to be worthy of being a personal guard ?

That was an obvious issue in Demacia that didn’t exist truly in Noxus : birth was somehow important in what someone could do. At least in Noxus it was still possible to rise alone to a higher point but Demacia seemed to make differences between families around the king and the lowest people. Xin Zhao wondered if he was even to be considered on this ladder. Lower than dirt.

Anyway, again, the only opinion that mattered to him was King Jarvan’s and he made it clear he trusted him. So Xin Zhao was resolute to do his best and prove he could do as much and even better than anyone. For honor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for now it's a bit boring but soon enough i'll get this moving a little faster xD


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!  
> sorry, last day wasn't much motivated to write xd here is the update!
> 
> thanks for reading!

_He’s doing well._

It wasn’t often Jarvan could look after his new protegee but he still made sure to keep an eye on him in general. Indeed it probably wasn’t really easy for Xin Zhao to get used to this new life, from what he had learned about him earlier. To go from noxian gladiator to demacian guard within a month, it could be harsh and really changing. For this and many other reasons, he would be patient.

Not everyone seemed to agree with him. Many people from the army or the court had advised him to change his decision or at least take this former Reckoner to the lowest rank in the army. There was supposedly no need for another personal guard, even less to accept some ‘noxian scum’ in such high position. _It’s still my decision_. He wouldn’t go back on that, plus he was perfectly sure of his choice. Xin Zhao seemed heartfelt in his quest for honor and duty. No one would dare to oppose the king decision, even if he wasn’t so fond of the idea of an uncontested monarch because every opinion should be heard. For now it would be helpful to protect the latter.

Because Jarvan wasn’t blind, he saw the consequences of his decision. It couldn’t possibly start real issues but he was wary, he prefered to prevent anything. Tianna was loud on this and given her position, he couldn’t ignore her words. However it was clear she had something against Xin Zhao. Maybe because of his origins, maybe for the danger he had represented during the battle that opposed them, maybe because she wouldn’t let someone approach the king so easily. Probably a mix of all this. In itself it was rather reasonable, she was in charge of Jarvan’s safety but there was a limit between being cautious and simply mean.

This train of thoughts always made him sigh quietly. He genuinely hoped time would go on and slowly the slight shock from taking Xin Zhao in would be forgotten. He was positive the man would get along with everyone, he had that peculiar aura of someone deeply good that was forced to do the opposite. Now he was able to make good show of his skill and determination and Jarvan was there to see it. It was important to look after such potential.

_It wasn’t a bad choice_. Deeply he knew it.

So far Xin Zhao seemed to adapt just right to this new life. He didn’t see constantly during the day, since they were both busy and they had moved to another nearing battle, but he made sure to ask his captain about him, to be sure everything was good. Life in the army was quite rough but everyone followed this same ideal and duty, Xin Zhao seemed to accept this from the start. Probably for a former gladiator it wasn’t too drastic, some parts didn’t change.

In the end, Jarvan made sure to see him at least once per day, even during a short visit in the settlements. Everyone was working hard and it helped to see the king among them, even so slightly. He was also cautious because this could be a little odd to pay attention to a single guard among others. In no means he wanted to mark a difference. Although he also wanted to make sure Xin Zhao wasn’t poorly treated, because of the reasons of his presence. It would undignified and likely to be sanctioned if any of this happened, even though Jarvan was quite sure no one would dare to. This was Demacia, after all. A kingdom meant to accept everyone, even if some people forgot about it.

The days till the incoming battle passed quickly. They were ready and Jarvan had good hopes for victory. It wouldn’t be as easy as Kalstead because that time Noxus had sent mercenaries and gladiators instead of its army. Now it was going to be different but nothing was to be taken for granted. A good test for his new guard.

~

As expected, it had been rough but they didn’t lose too many. The battle wasn’t the worst he had faced so far and they still succeeded.

Now it was time to mend wounds and count everyone before the return to the capital.

Among many other things, Jarvan was quite satisfied and proud. He had managed to see Xin Zhao in the battlefield and to catch a glimpse of his skill. Not that he doubted what everyone told about the man who killed more than a hundred of his own soldiers not so long ago, but he was glad to witness this himself. It was different than in the training grounds, with practice swords and spears. Right then, it was lethal and Xin Zhao seemed more than able in this art of death.

Many others had seen him fight and without a doubt it was going to shape a new perception of their peer. A very useful ally. Innerly Jarvan hoped it would make the latter’s life easier. So far it wasn’t awful but there were still a few low voices against him. Maybe now that he had proven his worth they would change their mind. _I doubt it will be so quick_. Stereotypes and fears weren’t easy to forget.

If only he could be so open with Xin Zhao, to be able to tell that no matter what people said he deserved his place here. His courage and sense of duty had proven everything that was needed. Sadly, Jarvan couldn’t have such talk with anyone and most of his day was to be used on more important matters than the good day of a recruit. Maybe once they got back to the capital he would ask him about any problems met. It was difficult in such a place so he could just hope to go back.

No matter what, he believed it was going to be fine. In no way someone righteous and skilled would be put aside in Demacia and just in case he would keep an eye on all this. It wasn’t always someone made him feel that much about honor and demacian ideals, Jarvan would help him as much as he could. Hopefully Xin Zhao would make such a good example of what mercy and second chances could do. Maybe even a model for the Prince. _I’m sure he could teach him a few things_. Once that time would come, probably. Till then he would have time to think about it.

Only time would tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gonna alternate POV from now~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!  
> everything is going well~
> 
> thanks for reading!

Back to the capital of Demacia, Xin Zhao could finally relax a little, in rather limited amounts because he considered he was always on duty. Still, he felt less anxious than when he was out there during the battle. All this was new to him because it made a lot more of enemies – trained if that wasn’t enough – and he had someone to protect. Realistically, there was no big risk for King Jarvan but he took his duty at heart and did his best nonetheless.

So to say, noxian blood had poured greatly under his spear. No mercy showed to them, even if he could remember his time in Noxus. Xin Zhao didn’t miss it, this nation and its people. Their own presence to this battle was a proof of what they have always done, invading land and trying to conquer. The same way he had been captured when he was a child. No, Noxus had nothing to do here.

In any case, his duty came first and he would slay everyone he would be asked to. Fleetingly he thought about it, these elite soldiers sent into battle for blood and glory. Opposed to freedom. Not so long ago he was on the opposite side and Xin Zhao came to think about these soldiers, their life and goals. This was Noxus army, not some poor mercenaries or gladiators bought and dropped like flowers in a battlefield. Army was a choice so he wouldn’t pity them or anything.

Duty first. Everyone fought for what they believed in. This was also the first time for him under such point of view. Xin Zhao didn’t want to fight against Demacia back then nor did he wanted to fight in the arenas. Sadly sometimes there was no choice. He was given one soon after and he would be grateful until his death. A chance to fight for what he believed in or rather, someone he believed in. _Our king_.

Later he thought about it, in that peculiar time after battle and victory, when everyone was a bit exhausted but happy. Some prisoners had been taken but not so much. Given back to freedom if they wished. Again he saw himself in these lost souls yet he had no real emotions for them. They had made a choice and now they would be free to go away and live. Did he feel bad for killing some of their peers ? Not really, this was his duty first. Personal ideas didn’t matter much, they fought as one.

This was an odd state of mind as he remembered any of these noxians he had slayed, no anger or hatred. He deeply disliked Noxus as a whole for its methods and his stolen childhood but it didn’t guide his hand in the fights. Intead it was a bit like floating, gazing from afar. He was glad to be free, glad to have a new place to call home, glad to have someone to look up for. There was no raw hatred for these noxians. No feelings. Merely a touch of bitterness when he thought about his early years decades ago but what was the point ? It was over for decades indeed and nothing would give it back. What pushed him to fight was his new duty and dedication to these ideals he had always craved to follow.

The other aftereffect of this battle was his new reputation. Indeed some of his new peers in the army and guard had witness his strenght and skill in combat. A bit unusual for him, too used to the arenas and the fervor of the crowd. What mattered back then was the impressive fights, awesome moves yet incredibly deadly. Being a gladiator meant giving a show. And now he was left in a far more professional way to fight, all of these soldiers having gone through training in this intent. It was strong, efficient and quick, far from being spectacular. So to say it may have shocked or impressed a few to see such ‘exotic’ way to fight.

Xin Zhao wasn’t specifically making this a show, he knew this wasn’t the point. All that mattered was to take down enough soldiers for victory. However a few reflexes stayed, habits. His body spurred into combat like he always did, following instinct as if his weapon was part of him. In the end, he was just surrounded by several bodies fallen to the ground and no pause till next fight. So different from the arenas. It didn’t stop.

At least he knew what to train now. An army meant to look after each other and keep on the fights. There was no time to rest or anything, so it was quite rough to start on. Eventually Xin Zhao adjusted to this and managed not to exhaust himself uselessly but it was difficult. The people saying he had no proper military training were still right on a few things.

He was more respected now, even so slightly. These same soldiers that had talked to him when he was still a prisoner were the first to come and join him. They said a few things like the fact that it was no secret anymore about the new ‘foreign’ guard and his impressive skills. Some indeed had seen that during the battle. In all honesty, Xin Zhao didn’t care that much about it, to be praised on technics that were simply unknown of his demacian peers. If it could help him being recognized as one of them and a valuable ally then he was glad but there was no great pride to find in this. He hadn’t learned to fight for this, he had learned to survive.

It was still a good thing to be well considered, he wasn’t completely alone anymore. He wanted to be accepted, even if he was aware of the gap and many reasons that could be used to push him away. Some were still friendly with him, that was a good sign.

So the return wasn’t so bad. He knew he had done rather well during the battle and from what he could learn the very rare times he saw King Jarvan, he hadn’t disappointed. Some very good news for him. Again it was one of the strange things, to fear about next day in case he didn’t do good enough. Failing too often was the end of a gladiator. So the army was a certain change, he wasn’t meant to be pushed out practically next day. This stability was good for him.

Now that they were back to the capital, he was able to train and get better. Things could hopefully settle and let him adjust to this new home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soon i'll use some ellipses and more fun to get on the good stuff~  
> just a fair warning, it's slow burn, not gonn happen in one night xD


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so tired, this update is written for at least 6h but i couldn't post it because my internet sucks
> 
> thanks for reading tho!! i hope you'll like this update!

Good return. Now they were all back to the capital of Demacia. Each military move like these were quite long and exhausting, even if the aime of protecting the kingdom came before everything. It was important to fight these battles and to show to Noxus and any other nation that they would stand their ground.

From what Jarvan knew since the beginning of his reign, there wasn’t a permanent war. A few battles and points of tension from time to time but no constant fear. So for now they were supposed to be at peace for some time. _I hope_. But like always, it was better to pay attention and keep an eye on whatever happened within their land and beyond.

It was time to settle back in the capital and do like always, keep on politic and listen to the people. The core of the army returned to the great city while some parts were sent back to their posts in regions. Prepare for peace. Life could resume.

Jarvan was back to the royal palace, the Prince by his side. It wasn’t always he took his son with him during troubled times but when he did, there was high security enforced to make sure nothing would reach them, as much to protect the king than the heir. The Prince was serious, understanding the reason of bringing him along to witness life along the army, not to see soldiers like mere pawns but like human beings with a life and goals. He was a good student and listened everything closely.

Still, it made Jarvan laugh quietly to hear he wasn’t so glad to return to the capital, that things could get a bit boring after some time. _He’s not completely wrong_. Daily life at the palace for the young Prince may indeed be boring, no matter how hard he worked and studied on what he was given. Soon his son would want to train for real. He seemed to be quite thrilled by this idea of fighting, maybe not in war directly but at least to spar and wind.

On the other hand, he had corrected the Prince about his perception of peace in the kingdom. It might be not very interesting, lacking action or anything but it was better to have peace than war. Only Noxus thrived in war and its ideals were too far from Demacia. Jarvan told him that peace was the best thing they could have, if not for him personally but for his people. No need to lose anyone for useless conflicts. His son understood, changing a bit his stance. His young life might be a bit too repetitive and boring, it wasn’t a reason to wish war. Indeed he was just motivated because he wanted to learn how to fight, this was normal.

Soon he would grant him his wish. Probably at his next birthday. There was no reason to stop the Prince from learning the ways of combat. Till then Jarvan would explore a bit the idea and see what could be done. He couldn’t let the actual Prince of Demacia and heir to the throne practice among the military recruits, even if they started at a similar age. Jarvan doubted it would be accepted by the court, too obsessed with status. But would it be so bad ? His son would made some friends, that was sure. _I’ll ask Tianna_. No doubt she would have a strong opinion on this, like always. On the other hand, her nephew was young, just like the Prince, maybe she would let them train together or else. In any case this was a question to be debated, there was still time.

~

Jarvan’s other topic of concern was his protegee. Well, it wasn’t really concern but rather a need to check on Xin Zhao. It had been a few days since the return to the capital and he had waited to find some time between his meetings and other important councils to talk with him.

So it led to this moment, after having asked Xin Zhao to come here. No one but them, in one of his study where he have some peace and work when needed. The latter stood there with his typical stance on duty, serious.

« May I ask why you asked to see me, my lord ? » There wasn’t much to find in the tone, obviously Xin Zhao was used from before not to show anything in his expression and everything else.

Jarvan just hoped he wasn’t scared or anything, this might be a bit impressive for a new recruit to be asked by the King himself.

« There is no emergency, you can rest. I simply wished to ask you how you are doing since you joined us. »

Himself was sitting at that sort of large desk and he made a gesture toward the other chair but it seemed that Xin Zhao didn’t want to. He acknowledged the invitation but stood there, weapon resting on the floor.

« Everything is well, my lord. Thank you for aksing. » Again nothing betrayed the latter’s thoughts, even as they looked at each other.

Technically it answered his question but Jarvan would settle for that. He doubted Xin Zhao would directly share any issue met in these first weeks.

« I am glad to hear that. Can you tell me more ? Have you met any difficulties so far ? »

It was a bit tricky because had anything happened before, the latter would surely said nothing of it because he was still new here and had no one to truly trust. _Would he tell me ?_ Jarvan wasn’t sure. He had been the one to accept Xin Zhao here but to confide to him wouldn’t be a first reflex without a doubt.

For a time there was no answer, the other seemed to be thinking quietly. Then he spoke up : « No, I am treated very correctly. I have been given a roof, food, clothes and duty, I can only express my gratitude to you, my lord. »

Again, there was no real answer. Jarvan was still glad to hear that, it was a good thing to know he helped someone like this.

« And I am thankful to have someone like you at my service. » He stopped, looking by the window for a time before deciding to explain his worry : « Now, let me be honest. I am aware that this isn’t the most regular way to accept someone in the personal guard and that my decision may have a few disagreable consequences. This is the reason I want you to know that if anything happen, you have to tell me. I won’t let any of my subjects or guards treat you differently. »

With that Jarvan hoped he was clear enough. He wanted to show Xin Zhao wasn’t alone to deal with any issue that would happen. Maybe later he would trust him for this, for now all that mattered was to convey his lack of tolerance for any type of misbehavior. Demacia was meant to welcome everyone, it would be quite joke to go against it.

Xin Zhao stood his gaze and even for a short time, there was a glimpse of something, emotion. It wasn’t bad, probably he had yet to realize the King would look after him for any issue.

« I will tell you if anything happen, I promise. » After that, eye contact broke a bit later, as if he was deep in thoughts.

_There is something_.

« Was there any issue before that ? Do you want to talk about it ? »

It seemed to convince Xin Zhao to speak again, resuming eye contact as proof of respect : « My lord, there was an issue indeed but please understand it has nothing to do with anyone here. This is a personal issue I have soon enough run into. »

Jarvan nodded shortly, as indication to go on. There was still a hint of worry, he didn’t want his protegee to have problems in that new life.

« This may come off as foolish and ridiculous for any demacian, I am not really proud of it. The fact is, I am not able to read or write. Indeed I use several langages but due to my personal history, I never had the occasion to learn and now it became an issue a few times. I apologize. »

_Ah, I didn’t think about that_. It was completely understandable. First because Xin Zhao had been taken from his lands quite young, per his story but second because he had become a gladiator in Noxus, literacy had no use in fights.

All of this made sense and Jarvan blamed himself shortly for not making sure. Some things went unsaid, as granted. Now he understood too the struggle it might have been for the latter in the military, if he had to read or write anything.

« There is nothing to apologize for, except my own lack of attention on this. Also you did well to tell me, this is important. Thank you. »

A sort of restlessness took Xin Zhao, barely noticeable but it was there. Obviously he felt at fault for this. Jarvan resumed, trying to find a solution.

« Now we need a solution. Do you want me to explain this to the captain and any high rank ? »

« I am not sure this would help. I can’t let them try to find a way around just because of my mistakes. »

It became clear there was fear behind that. The fear to be replaced or sent out. Of course, Jarvan understood that it would be another reason to blame this new recruit. ‘Not fitted’.

« I understand. So the solution would be that you learned how to write and read. »

Xin Zhao looked down : « My lord, I don’t know if they would let me or if I would even find someone willing to teach me. »

To be on duty was important for the latter, he didn’t seem ready to let it down even for a short time. But after a while, no doubt it would change his life to be able to read.

« If anyone disagree, they will have to talk with me. Worry not, I am sure I can find you someone to teach you. The Prince had to learn that too when he was younger, there is a tutor that took charge so this is perfectly possible. »

« My lord, I don’t deserve this. You are already kind enough to let me stay here. » Almost about to kneel and ask for forgiveness, even if that was ridiculous. 

« Let me suggest this in another way : this would be like giving you a new weapon, tailored for you to accomplish your duty. Everyone deserves to have the right tools in life. »

This time Xin Zhao looked up and returned his gaze, certain emotions bubbling up. Gratitude, disbelief, determination. Once more he proved that Jarvan’s decision was good.

« Thank you, my lord. I won’t fail you. » He bowed with the clear strenght of gratitude in the gesture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooo this particular hc about xin isn't originally from me but Mint. they got all credit for it


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!  
> let's roll~
> 
> thanks for reading!! <3

The day was over, Xin Zhao was off duty for now.

In theory.

From the very start he had taken his duty to heart and for him it never truly ended. After all he was a personal guard now. There was far enough guards to constantly protect the King of Demacia however he never considered his duty over. Probably a remain of his time as gladiator or simply as survivor in Noxus. Life never gave a break to catch up and recover, there was no time to breathe and to relax. This wasn’t exactly something he learned in the arenas but from his time before that, when he was lost in this horrible nation. When he wasn’t sure if he would be still standing and breathing next day.

So technically this wasn’t the same situation and time. Xin Zhao could have some time to rest and potentially relax a little since he was literally living in a remote part of the royal palace, also known as the safest place of Demacia. This kingdom was already safer than Noxus so indeed he could sleep well.

No, duty was a choice and a discipline of life that he intended to keep. It didn’t mean that he was stupid about it and stayed up even when it wasn’t needed, exhausting himself uselessly. Xin Zhao followed the strict organisation and times set for tasks and routine. Sleep was part of it and he took it seriously. Lack of rest could be quite bad over someone’s ability, no need to be zealous.

Like anything he did though, he followed method and discipline. With time his sleep was very light, always paying attention even as there was practically no risk. Another remain of the arenas. Who knew ? Maybe one day there would be an emergency, an issue, anything that required to be woken up within seconds and ready to act. Better be cautious, even just in case.

For now Xin Zhao was supposed to sleep. Usually it didn’t take long but sometimes it wasn’t so easy. All this left him time to think about the day, going back on what happened.

Honestly he had a bit innerly panicked when he was called to see the King. To see him wasn’t the real issue, just it had become so rare since he got back to the capital that the formal way of asking him made him anxious. As if he had done something bad.

It turned out he wasn’t in troubles. King Jarvan simply wanted to know how he was doing so far, with all the different moves back and forth to battle. Xin Zhao didn’t expect that but it wasn’t so foreign to imagine. The King always seemed to care about everything, including his guards. His own case was a bit particular for the reasons both knew and if he was correct, there was still some special attention given to him, even though he wanted to deny it. Maybe everyone was treated the same way, just he didn’t know it because it remained between the King and them.

Yet it still left Xin Zhao a bit puzzled to see such attention given to the difficulties he might encounter by the King himself. Indeed it was King Jarvan that allowed him to join his guard but it didn’t mean he was the only one in charge to look after him, there were a lot of ranks between them to take care of a new recruit like him.

He was asked if there was any issues, things rather mundane and Xin Zhao didn’t go too deep into that. He wasn’t one to have a conversation with the King, whose time was precious. But he still appreciated the concern, as out of measures as it was. Xin Zhao was certain he didn’t deserve as much but it was nice to know at least one person in this place valued him as individual.

There was a part he hadn’t thought about before it was mentionned. King Jarvan was saying that his decision to take him in may have ‘disagreable consequences’. Without a doubt the King knew more than him the climate at the court and in the army, the potential ramifications of choices like actually accepting a noxian gladiator’s request. Xin Zhao was too new here and a foreigner no less. So many reasons not to know how to react if anything happened. _What could they do ?_ This was still a decision of the King, difficult to contest that.

However he remembered the ‘warning’ given by Captain Crownguard. Difficult to forget that. In itself it was like any guard taking care of their common goal which was the safety of the King but there were more polite ways to convey the message. In any case Xin Zhao wouldn’t fail, he knew his duty and he was truthful, he would rather die than let anything happen.

Though all this didn’t forgive the clear aversion in her tone when she warned him. _She’s serious_. The King said this decision might have consequences and this was surely part of it. Some people weren’t happy to see him here, at such position and this was just the beginning.

At the occasion King Jarvan had asked if indeed he had found problems regarding his presence in their ranks. _I can’t tell him_. Captain Crownguard’s comment was exactly what he might think about but Xin Zhao didn’t dare to give such information. After all, she held a very important position and with it came a lot of authority and power. Still less than the King himself but enough to make anyone scared. This was part of what he learned in the army, words running a little. Plus it wasn’t difficult to understand what kind of woman she was after a few days. It felt like she could kill everyone by a single glare and surely she was able to do something similar to the first sign of resistance or snark opposed.

_I doubt it would be wise_. What a foolish idea to explain to his King that the sword-captain had threatened him in case anything happened during his service. From what he had seen that day, King Jarvan was still very able to go against her opinion and do the opposite but Xin Zhao didn’t want to create a conflict for nothing. He simply had to stay low-profile and follow his duty. All would go well.

The last surprise of this day was his issue about reading and writing. Xin Zhao had no idea he would admit such a thing to the King, among everyone here but here he was, losing sleep over this. It had been a bit difficult to say but he still succeeded.

About the results, it was still to see. Without a doubt King Jarvan would do something to remediate to that, he was a man of his words and he had seemed determined to help. Xin Zhao supposed he was right, helping him would be a good thing for everyone. The only question was how. To be really honest, he was scared about that. It was a really personal issue and as much as he refused to make mistakes because of it, he resented making it known for other people than himself. At least the King didn’t seem to mind or judge.

A small sigh escaped him, changing side in bed. _I hope it won’t be an issue_. Xin Zhao deeply wanted to be free of this, to be fully able to fulfil his function here. Indeed that would be another step taken in this new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i still have to work a little on the timeline but things are going~


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!  
> let's go!
> 
> thank you for reading <3

Usually when Jarvan took a decision, it was to apply it as soon as possible. This latest discussion with Xin Zhao had just happened the day before than he was already doing his possible to help. After all, the sooner the better.

Finding a tutor wasn’t difficult. Indeed he asked the person who had taught the Prince when he was little so someone that could be trusted. Jarvan still kept in mind that this was with the aim of helping and no doubt Xin Zhao would prefer to keep this discreet.

Maybe the toughest part was to see with the high ranks of the personal guard to give some time for Xin Zhao to learn. Not much, maybe one or two hours. The important side was to keep this frequent, learning required time even for an adult.

Indeed it was a bit of a particular request to have a specific guard sent off duty just for a certain amount of time in the day but no one seemed to object. If they had any issue, they could tell the King and he would explain shortly, making sure the decision couldn’t be dodged.

Jarvan was aware this could potentially attract a bit more of silent attention to his protegee but as long as nothing was said or done, he wouldn’t care much. _They have a tongue to speak and they know how to use it_. Again, people can simply come up and ask him if it was so slightly bothering. The thing was that he considered there was no real argument to have about teaching literacy to such high rank guard, besides the possible waste of time and ressources when it could have been easier to recruit someone else. So no, Jarvan would hear any criticism but not budge on this unless it was really necessary.

In the end he believed what he was doing was right and fair. Like the way he accepted Xin Zhao in his guard, he was giving a future and a second chance. There was no wrong in that. _He deserves that at least_. Not everyone got the best opportunities in life and even less the same upbringing.

This led Jarvan to think a little about the reasons of all this, about why he felt inclined to help someone in particular. He had said the truth that day he first met Xin Zhao, his story touched him and reminded him of the Demacian ideals. And now he found himself looking after the latter, keeping an eye on any issue that could rise. _Why ?_ Maybe by mere curiosity, beyond the goal to help everyone when it was possible.

Everyone deserved a chance and the more he thought about Xin Zhao’s story, the more he felt a certain compassion. Life wasn’t easy for everyone. Himself couldn’t have a proper opinion, he probably had the best situation to live. Not everyone came into this world to be king. He had a great power and he had long decided to use it wisely, at least to give everyone enough to live and prosper. Was it all ? A specific curiosity for someone that never had the chance to chose ?

_Hmm_.

It could be something else but no need to figure it out. For now he just felt compelled to help Xin Zhao as much as he could, it was good to have saved a nother soul captured by Noxus. This nation respected nothing. Maybe that was the reason. _I don’t think so_. They did that so often, each time there was a sort of controntation with their ‘neighbors’ they tried to take in and free whoever was left behind by Noxus. Not much but it still counted. Without this Xin Zhao wouldn’t be here, at least not in the palace. And things would be different.

For now he didn’t gave too much meaning to all this, it wasn’t required, no matter how intrigued and curious were the people in the palace for such treatment. In any case Jarvan didn’t treat anyone so differently, it was just adapted to what the person needed.

Nothing to change.

~

Some time went and Jarvan could really see if everything was going well. Despite his low worries, there was no real issue with the arrangement for his protegee. Every other day Xin Zhao was sent off duty for an hour, as it was commanded to the higher-ups and they let him go without any comment.

If Jarvan knew about all this, it was because liek always he paid attention to the way things were done. He trusted everyone to tell him if there was an issue but he still prefered to see by himself. A few times in the weeks that followed he would stop by and pay a short visit in that study in a certain corner of the palace.

It wasn’t really a room frequented by anyone, the court had no access here since it was close to royal quarters. This was the same place the young Prince was taught anything for his future, when it required a serious place to do so. Jarvan knew about the time when Xin Zhao and the tutor would be there, rather late in the afternoon and so he went sometimes. Not always because a king still had duties and places to be but he made sure to be able to check on everything.

From what he heard, his protegee sure was serious in his work. There was a clear motivation to learn and it was great to see. Jarvan was aware the latter did that to be as efficient as possible, more than for the simple joy of understanding but he was still glad to see that it would help him.

Small progress each time. There were some difficulties and that was understandable but Xin Zhao seemed quite stubborn. The only thing that kept him from staying longer to study was that his duty as guard had to resume at some point, he couldn’t stop for too long. To help him further, he was given a few books, random letters and royal messages used for practice. The struggle seemed still present but a few time he was found ‘training’ a little. If only meant it was a lot more important when he was alone. Only the gods knew how much time he spent on that.

Yet everything seemed to go well. This was a long process but Jarvan was sure one day the latter would be satisfied with his acquired level. There was nothing to be prouder than to overcome one difficulty, one barrier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmmmmmmh  
> it's still moving, to my great surprise


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!  
> little update, keeping this moving until sweet stuff~
> 
> thanks for reading!!

Learning was a long process. Time went as he learned, slowly but surely getting more efficient. It had been several months since the arrangement had been put in place and so far Xin Zhao was quite peaceful about it.

At the beginning he did struggle and some issue stayed a little but he was stubborn, he didn’t want to fail his king. After all, all this was to fulfil his duty as good as he could. Innerly he also didn’t want to disappoint King Jarvan, who had been more than patient with him about this issue.

The tutor was nice enough, very serious in her work and methods for her students. Xin Zhao understood why she was the tutor in charge of basic education for the young Prince, in these particular topics. No doubt this was her own task and duty for Demacia to teach perfectly the heir to the throne but she did a really good work at it. Teaching a grown adult may have been difficult at first since it wasn’t exactly the same thing than teaching a child though. In any case so far it worked out well and Xin Zhao progressed little by little. Words started to make sense, letters as well. It was quite an amazing feeling to at least understand something in ink. It also motivated him to study further, faster, curious about what he had missed all this time.

This would still take time, it had to be practiced regularly. After starting to learn to trace letters and write, he also got on reading. It was difficult too, especially to read out loud and remember how was written each sound, which combination of letters gave which sound. Xin Zhao already knew to speak different langages but it didn’t change the fact that anything written meant nothing for him for almost three decades. Just strange symbols. Hopefully he was learning and not once he was made fun of for his mistakes.

King Jarvan paid a visit sometimes. It wasn’t very often obviously, since he had important topics to discuss like the military, the well-being of the kingdom and everything else. Yet he still came sometimes in that discreet study, quiet knock at the door announcing his arrival.

The first time it did startle Xin Zhao a little, not expecting such important visit for something so trivial in the daily life at the palace. Now he knew what would happen sometimes. The King didn’t want to cause anything, he simply wanted to see how it was going. Of course he wished the best for Xin Zhao, expecially to succeed. All the same he didn’t feel so worthy of the attention, the King of Demacia must have more important than to check on one of his personal guards studies.

So it happened sometimes and he wasn’t surprised anymore, just a little worried to waste King Jarvan’s time. The tutor said nothing about it, no doubt she was used to seeing the King often since she was one of the few persons in charge of the young Prince’s education. Speaking of, it was one time suggested that Xin Zhao watched over the Prince during his lessons, since he was never really left alone and this could be an occasion to learn a bit more. Just a suggestion yet it happened a bit later.

It wasn’t frequent but the Prince had certainly a busy life, even for such a young child. Always at least one guard to be sure, so protected like the rightful heir he was. At 6 there wasn’t so much he had to learn yet, like tactics or politics but education went on for the most basic things. So indeed a few times Xin Zhao was the one looking after him during the lessons with that same tutor he had been learning. It was interesting, to say the least. Even at such age it was obvious that the Prince was smart and serious. Maybe not mature yet to fully understand his future role as king of Demacia later but he had a strong eagerness to discover and learn. Xin Zhao could tell this child was going to do great things. A few memories from some times ago, when Xin Zhao first met the King and his son, when he was set free. A serious little child, standing proudly by his father’s side and ready to listen to his wisdom. With such a father indeed, he could only become a good person.

These lessons went well and he could just see how motivated the Prince was, curious about a lot of things. Sometimes lessons could be boring though, and he was brought back to focus. Aside these little moments, it was alright. These lessons were during the day, msot of it in the afternoon so it was still a moment when Xin Zhao was on duty. After all, the safety of the Prince came before anything. Still, everytime he was asked to sit too, to help a little in the lessons. The tutor deemed it would be great for both her students to work at the same time, even though at first Xin Zhao was a little worried about being on duty. It was still fine, he wasn’t the main focus of these specific hours. Soon enough in the evening he would get his own hour to study and learn, at his own pace.

Still, the Prince was quite thrilled to have someone to share this – or maybe just to make time go faster as distraction. It was rather sweet to see him trying to explain what he just learned to Xin Zhao. After all, the best way to show one had understood was to explain it to someone else and see if that was correct. Xin Zhao still let himself take part in it, while keeping a good intention to stay wary just in case. His duty was to keep the Prince safe, no matter the time. Yet as time went it seemed obviously innocent enough to give in and follow whatever exercize he was asked to work on. An occasion to read and practice, so to say.

It was still a good time to have, even if Xin Zhao wasn’t supposed to enjoy that. But the Prince was curious and more than happy to have someone nearby. With all the respect that he owed to him, Xin Zhao learned to know this child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmh maybe i should tag J4 on this fic


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> another update! 
> 
> thanks for reading!!

_He seems to like him_.

This small conclusion came to Jarvan’s mind as time went, about everything his son had told about Xin Zhao. A mere thought indeed but it seemed quite true. More than half a year after welcoming his protegee to Demacia and his new home, now the Prince was also starting to enjoy his company.

Quite normal. After all, since Jarvan had put in place these private lessons for his new guard, he had the same tutor than the Prince. It was quite logical to assign Xin Zhao to his protection because he both trusted him and believed it would be helpful for them. There had been no ulterior motives otherwise, just the need to surround his son with people he could trust completely. Not that Jarvan was afraid of any threats within the palace, everyone here was loyal to the crown and so were any Demacian but this surely was a fatherly urge to keep his own and only child safe.

And yet this wasn’t what he had tried to do at first, it just happened to be quite practical when he had realized later. No, the first intention was to help them. Every single time that could be found were useful for Xin Zhao, who already was quite busy in his duty. So why not have him look after the Prince ? This way he could still learn a few things, even as it wasn’t dedicated to him first. Everything was good to take. Also it turned out that his son enjoyed it even more, glad to have more company. The tutor wasn’t exactly rude or mean but she could be strict sometimes and for a child it may seem unfair. Now he had someone and from what Jarvan had heard, Xin Zhao did participate in these lessons, while keeping his duty.

_Good, then_.

There wasn’t always time for Jarvan to bond with his son – he had a lot of responsibilities and ruling a kingdom was important – but when they could indeed share a meal or any other occasion, the Prince mentioned his protegee almost every time. To his surprise. Not everyone was put in duty to look after the heir to the throne, this was high responsibility and also honor to be along the royal family but Xin Zhao indeed was a personal guard. This was perfectly normal.

Now after the first arrangements and more time, the Prince was quite happy to have a new friend. He still understood the role of guards and everyone at the palace but there were indeed a few people here that he considered friends simply because he liked them. Especially when they were kind to him, beyond the formal respect owed to royalty.

To be honest Jarvan didn’t know everything that was said during the lessons but from what his son told, it was quite nice to have a sort of classmate. No doubt Xin Zhao was serious in his duty and tried his best to oblige and learn. Yet it must have been quite a change for the Prince. No siblings or other kids to grow up with could make him a little lonely sometimes, this could explain why he called a few domestics and guards friends. Jarvan wasn’t so proud to know that, he was aware that life in the palace could get boring for such a young lad and his own duty as king didn’t make it easier. The Prince was well protected, loved and cherished but there were still a few times he’d rather see his father more often. Life wasn’t so easy. No other children in his direct surroundings, no real way to socialize yet. Maybe this guilt was why Jarvan tried to give what he could for his son to be happy, even though it couldn’t replace completely the absence of a father. To hear that the Prince was glad to have a new friend was worth everything.

Still, it was to be checked – or not – if Xin Zhao thought the same but obviously the Prince wouldn’t be so happy about someone that treated him only with cold respect. For the time since the latter had arrived here, Jarvan was positive he knew him quite well and he certainly was very kind and patient with his son. Such method and loyalty was convincing. Plus there was this simple feeling that he did know the man he ‘saved’ was good.

All was for the best.

~

Visit after visit it became clear he hadn’t made a bad decision. It wasn’t often Jarvan could see how it was going but indeed, his small ‘free’ time was always used to see how his son was doing and so multiple times he was to find him during his lessons. Good thing, it allowed him to also see how Xin Zhao was doing too.

It was more than endearing to see this young Prince so proud to tell what he was learning and what he managed to ‘teach’ to Xin Zhao. Basic things like showing how to write a few things, always under the watchful gaze of the tutor. Xin Zhao confirmed indeed that the Prince was smart and doing great. It made Jarvan quite glad to know it worked out well.

More and more his son would be found by his protegee’s side. This was partially by Jarvan’s suggestion to the higher-ups, since it seemed obvious the Prince was happy with him. For the best. One more person he completely trusted at the most critical duty.

On very rare occasions Jarvan could talk with Xin Zhao in private. This always was at his demand, to know how things were going for the latter. As he explained, everything was fine. He even admitted being quite at peace to be here and useful. To have a purpose. No issues met so far. The lessons were going well and he felt rather assured, at least more than before.

About the young Prince, Xin Zhao also said he didn’t mind at all, he was more than ready to handle this specific duty and the heir seemed equally thrilled to see him every time, even for a child. It came up that sometimes when it was possible he retold a few stories when the Prince was curious. Stories about his homeland. Indeed Jarvan had heard about these a few times during dinner. For any Demacian, Ionia could be such an exotic and mysterious place and every occasion to hear about it except from books was good to take. Curious too, Jarvan thought about asking later.

Indeed all was going well and he wouldn’t have to worry about the safety of his son. Sometimes he thought about the future. Maybe Xin Zhao would be able to teach him what he knew about Noxus, Ionia, his fighting technics. This was way too early but seeing the Prince enthusiasm about the Dauntless Vanguard, it might be a good idea. In many years then, not now.

They had time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me trying to put some hint of feels but it's still too early xD damnit!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!  
> update time!! sorry it's quite slow xD
> 
> thanks for reading <3

_What a curious child_.

Xin Zhao couldn’t help but notice that after all this time around the Prince for most of his daily life. Surely it was because for so long he hadn’t been around kids, in fact since he had arrived in the Noxian arenas. After that it would have been difficult indeed, his latest memory was of of these poor kids like himself lost in Noxus, praying for a better day.

So to say it was quite a change to be around such a young child now, especially royalty. There was a real responsibility to keep the heir safe and healthy, almost more than the safety of the King himself. As King Jarvan had said once, he’d rather know the next generation safe to keep on Demacian ideals alive. His son was everything for him and it only convinced Xin Zhao further to keep his duty. As if he wasn’t already.

Now time hadn’t stopped and he found himself more and more looking after the Prince. It was completely fine, even as it was his task. Duty wasn’t meant to be easy and nice to do but right now it was one of the best things he had to do. Indeed the Prince was curious, quite lively – normal for such a young kid – and cheerful on the topics that took his interest. At the moment, it was about Xin Zhao, called his new friend.

_It’s…cute_. Really, he hadn’t been around kids that much since Noxus and suddenly he had a young one turning around. Indeed the Prince could be quite serious when the setting asked it – for royal duties and gatherings – but he was still a kid, near his 7 years. Of course it was normal to hear him talk and explain whatever he just learned, the latest news or his dreams for later.

Xin Zhao followed as much as he could, even though it could be a little exhausting in a way he wasn’t used to. Fighting in an arena for his life with the loud cheering of the crowd behind, that was fine but having to look after a child was different. Not once he would have trained for that. Hopefully he wasn’t directly the one taking care of the Prince, he was simply there to make sure he was safe all the time.

_Was I so noisy when I was young?_

Good question, a little useless. That time was long gone, he didn’t even know if someone from right then remembered him. All this brought up many questions that he had learned not to think much, since he would never have an answer. Questions about his parents, his homeland, these previous lives. Plus it wouldn’t change his life to know, now his purpose was here in Demacia. Dedicated to a man that had offered him another life. _Our king_.

In any case, it was alright to look after the Prince, no matter what it reminded him of his own lsot childhood. Such innocence, it was good to see. The Prince wasn’t so clueless though since he was from the royalty, there was a lot he had grown used to like protocols and other strict rules surrounding his life. Almost like a bird in a beautiful cage, at least for now. Almost because through his education he was still taught about Demacian values, about duty and honor. What came to Xin Zhao’s mind right on was their first meeting. Indeed King Jarvan had taken his son with him in the time of a battle against Noxus. Highly protected of course and he still had his son witness the liberation of the few prisoners, given back their freedom to chose. As the King had said, this was important to see since it was what Demacia represented.

Maybe a little strong but it seemed to be necessary. Sometimes Xin Zhao happened to chat with King Jarvan, although this remained quite rare. On these occasions he had explained that it was important in his opinion to teach the Prince these values, as future ruler of this proud kingdom. Probably it was a peculiar education but the aim was to help him understand both sides, to show equally mercy and discipline, fairness and respect. This was the way to keep a kingdom united, all together. Xin Zhao could just nod and approve, he was alive and happy thanks to this very mercy showed by the King. Also furthermore he did agree with all his heart. Demacia was a place of honor and freedom where at last his actions would reflect his ideals.

_I regret nothing_. He owed King Jarvan so much, maybe more than he would ever think. And now he was trusted with the safety of the heir to the throne, as a personal guard. Given a duty, a bed, a roof, food, clothes and a weapon. This was beyond what he thought he deserved but at the same time, his life had been so difficult before. To at least be able to live as he felt he was meant to was incredibly fulfilling. It only motivated him to do his best.

Speaking of these private conversations with the King, he was getting little by little more used to it. Not completely, Xin Zhao still considered this a great honor to even be given such attention for a short time but with time he wasn’t as much shocked. _I don’t know though_. It felt like giving too much for such a small role he held in the palace. He would understand if he were one of the high ranks like the Sword-Captain Crownguard. No, the King still found a time to speak with him about his life, if he had met any difficulties.

The true turn was when Xin Zhao had been asked in a rather far part of the palace, one of these libraries. That evening he had learned a few more things, like the fact that King Jarvan came here when he could and wanted to take a sort of break from the formal daily life. As he said, there was no end to the duty of the King unless after death but at least there he could hope to get some peace. And just a tad of alcohol. Really, it was nothing bad, something quite sweet.

Xin Zhao had been a little surprised at the moment to be summoned for this but it was fine, it just took time and one or two other occasions not to be so anxious. They just talked. About everything, anything, as long as they had something to say. For now it was just King Jarvan talking because he was the relaxed one and Xin Zhao didn’t really know how he ended up there. It felt like duty but the latter insisted that it wasn’t. Just a time to chat and hear him about the latest news, the Prince’s achievements, politics, anything. A few times King Jarvan had asked him about what he did before but he never said much more than the strict necessary.

All this was quite unusual but now he didn’t think much of it. The King deserved some time off, it was understandable. So Xin Zhao let him do and went each evening he was asked to come in that remote library. Little by little he came to enjoy these times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm want to much to put some light feels, like just a hint but i fear it might be too soon xD  
> hold on, it will happen at some point~


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!  
> yeah, the slow burn is getting to me xD
> 
> thanks for reading!!

_What a good idea._

At first Jarvan hadn’t really thought about the aim of these evenings – and often nights – spent in the small library with Xin Zhao. Like before it was just a moment to relax at last and try to put aside the burden that was his by right. Slowly it turned out to be more efficient than he thought, something he was looking forward to.

In the span of a few months these occasions weren’t so often, maybe once every other week because no matter what, he was quite busy. It wasn’t even planned, Jarvan only tried when he felt like it. To find a moment both he and Xin Zhao were off duty – even though these weren’t similar – could be a real challenge. And yet they still made it. He was aware that the latter’s routine and discipline of life was a little strict, by his own choice, so it wasn’t possible to take his time too often.

The most important thing was that Xin Zhao seemed more than fine with that.

A few times Jarvan had asked him if he would rather be elsewhere or just sleeping, whatever his discipline would require and every time the latter had said he was more than happy to be there. Although the first times Xin Zhao had remained a little tense, like every day when on duty – though it didn’t change a lot compared to his off-duty stance – it became a bit more relaxed. If I can say that. No one had actually seen the latter relaxed, that was a fact. Always so serious, ready for anything. This was worthy of praise but Jarvan preferred to know he could let his weapon down even for a few minutes. In the palace there was close to no risk.

Again these rare occasions didn’t have any goal or purpose. It was just for the sake of sitting down and chatting, as informal as it may sound. A moment to let the crown down, with its load of responsibilities. The liquor was just bonus, a small luxury. Xin Zhao didn’t accept it at first but a few times he would take some, just a little. _Always his duty_. Jarvan sighed fondly, these things didn’t seem to change even after such time since the latter’s arrival to the capital. Anyway he wouldn’t force him, it was good enough to have someone to keep company, especially someone like Xin Zhao.

At first the discussions were mainly one-sided and Jarvan could just stay aware of that part. He understood quite well his guard wasn’t a big talker, be it by choice, by his personality or by his past. A few times he had to ask if that wasn’t too boring because indeed it could get tiring to listen someone chatting , no matter their status. No, Xin Zhao always listened closely and answered the questions asked, more and more often with time.

Almost a year since that battle against Demacia and now they chatted about it, about their lives before that event. Jarvan had one thing in common with his son, he was really curious, especially about new things and people. So to say Xin Zhao was an excellent occasion to know more about places he couldn’t ever visit, for good reasons.

Everyone had a long story, interesting things to say or not. Jarvan valued this a lot, everyone had something to teach or just to transmit. He had already heard a lot of Xin Zhao’s past the day he had freed him but it was something truly different to hear it from a fulfilled man, no longer recovering from the sudden clash with Demacia.

That way he had learned a few things about Noxus. It was easy to listen to what his tutors said when he was a child, about a place he hadn’t see himself and harsh rules he hadn’t seen applied. To see the result with his own eyes was an important lesson. Nothing could be more raw than the tales of a witness and victim of this nation that claimed to treat everyone as equals. Easy to say and it was partially true but Xin Zhao’s past was a proof it didn’t always go well. Demacia may have its issues, it wasn’t exactly trying to steal people from their homelands.

This was why it was essential for him and for the young Prince to see it and face it without flinching. A reminder of what Noxus did and how they could help to undo the wrongs. It implied getting involved in politics, in battles and every point of contact with the other nations. This was reality and there was something that could be done to change it, even little by little. Xin Zhao’s presence by his side was a good example, he wouldn’t have been here without this mercy and will to offer a second chance.

_Good._ Jarvan was still very grateful to have the latter here to share his stories or even just to be here, at his service. By now Xin Zhao had become an important person in the life of the palace and his life at the occasion. He wouldn’t be there in the library otherwise, quietly sipping his unique glass of liquor.

For once it was nice to have someone willing to listen to him, no matter the topic. Most of time Jarvan ended up venting about the latest politic issues, sometimes asking for a few pieces of advice. Xin Zhao would always remind him he wasn’t exactly fitted to answer that since he had no knowledge in politics, even less in Demacia. A year was enough to learn the background but he didn’t consider himself legitimate in giving his opinion. What he did instead was offer a place to let this aloud and it still helped Jarvan.

Overall the topics weren’t always the same, it changed a lot depending of the latest events. But there were still these comfortable nights when he reminisced about his younger years and tried to get Xin Zhao sharing his memories too. It was comfortable because despite the clear differences between their lives, each had his share of interesting things, small wisdom and happy memories. For Xin Zhao it wasn’t exactly happy but it was bearable. As he had said, he got a few blurry memories of a beautiful place and smiling faces. Jarvan found this quite sad when it was retold but it still seemed to bring the latter some peace.

In these moments he wished his protegee would make new happy memories there now that he was in Demacia. This was a new life after all, hopefully he would find happiness here, more than just being at his service although Xin Zhao was adamant this was all he asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> watch me struggle balancing feels and coherence xD it would have been long ago if i could make it gay sooner


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!  
> alright, let's get this slow burn xD
> 
> thanks for reading!!

Life was a lot more peaceful than in Noxus, at least in its lack of blood seen every day. It didn’t mean that it was completely relaxed and quiet but that daily life didn’t involve regular meetings with death, cheers and more fights. Usually.

Demacia still had enemies or rather was seen as the enemy of a few people. Of course Noxus clearly was the first cause of conflicts since its imperialistic urges had no end, always trying to claw at Demacian borders for yet another battle. It was never enough.

Since his arrival here Xin Zhao had learned Noxus wasn’t the only one that would clash sometimes with Demacia. Up north there were many places and people used to these cold lands that would seek fights a bit too far. Freljordians. They didn’t seem consumed by the same Noxian ideals of conquest but they seemed to share an equal taste for blood and troubles. He soon had to learn about it harshly.

Saltspike Hill was the stage of this battle, already destroyed partially by these warriors of the North. For Xin Zhao it wasn’t the first battle under Demacian flag, he had already seen quite well how it was organized and fought but this one was a little peculiar. Through the year indeed he had more than made his proofs as soldier and guard so this battle was meant to give him more recognition. At least this was the way King Jarvan had explained to him. More than a year among the elite of Demacia’s military, Xin Zhao had been deemed worthy of his rank, when at first he had feared to be unqualified for it. No fear anymore.

It was also a special occasion because beyond the usual conflict with fierce enemies trying to attack their land, there was also an aspect of revenge. They had to take back Saltspike Hill for its ties with the royal family and King Jarvan was more than sure they would make it. Xin Zhao was a little less sure, used not to underestimate any enemy that he would face, no matter was said about them.

But he trusted his king. King Jarvan was more than determined and confident about this one, he had this way to speak and convince everyone to succeed. Even to this day Xin Zhao would remember the speech given to motivate everyone. As if they needed motivation. They would take back the place and reclaim it.

That day, Xin Zhao had indeed learned that Freljordians were incredibly stubborn and powerful. The battle was so difficult, intense even for the most trained of the soldiers. These folks from the snowy lands refused to fall and admit defeat, always standing once more ready to keep going. Never believe in early victory. King Jarvan had told so well that this was going to be a long and rough battle but they wouldn’t fail, they would keep fighting too.

His own task was a bit more tricky, Xin Zhao always considered himself as royal protector even thought in battles like these he could be asked to lead troops with more responsibilities. Difficult but he would do it anyway. He couldn’t fail, not now, not when he had sworn his life to the king.

It had been that close to run to a disaster. It didn’t though. By the end there had been many casualties, a good part of it on the northerner side. None of it would have been made without a final rush that did manage to save the day and rally everyone. That day, Xin Zhao had brought back the Demacian standard taken on the initial capture of the place and he had rarely seen so much faith and courage in honor of a nation. It wasn’t a mere standard, it was a family treasure as King Jarvan had told on this last evening at the small library before the battle. More than a symbol. From this day it had been brought back home to be kept in safety, still impacted by the flames but beautiful like the first day.

So this could be a battle among many others but Xin Zhao would keep a certain memory of it, from the violence of these people of the North to the clear pride in his King’s eyes when he had given back the standard. He had made it. Surely that day had also helped him to be more accepted by the last reluctance possible. Sword-Captain Crownguard couldn’t say anything anymore, just give a few icy stare the few times he dared to exist in the presence of the King.

Too bad that he didn’t really care about her anymore. If at first he had been genuinely scared of such high-rank, especially after her ‘kind’ warning, now Xin Zhao was completely aware and accepting the constant responsibility of the King’s safety. He wouldn’t fail so there was literally nothing to fear about her. And if he did fail then her wrath would be the least of his concerns, already able to guilt himself. Good riddance, he would just be his polite self around her and pretend not to hear such vile things spat to his face. At least King Jarvan never heard of it, that was the point. Who knew, maybe one day the Sword-Captain would accept that Xin Zhao was meant to stay here until his end, always by the King’s side. But that was the point, wasn’t it ? So why ?

As long as he was allowed and required to stay at his place by his king then everything was fine. This was all Xin Zhao wished for and wanted in this world, to prove himself useful and make him proud. Let these ideals of honor live through him, just as he was given a second life. Battles like these only made him more determined to fulfill his duty to the man that mattered most in his life.

What else could he even need ? He had already been given the most important trust, there was nothing that could ever compete with that. Just getting to see his king every day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear, it's really difficult not to pour the whole gay stuff in this xD helpppppppppppp


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!!  
> let's keep this 'slow' burn going~
> 
> thank you for reading!!

_Why him ?_

This was a mystery that Jarvan wouldn’t be able to explain alone. As if he was going to talk to someone about, there was no way to simply share his thoughts to anyone first because of status difference and everyone’s general behavior around him.

Why Xin Zhao ? This question was coming to his mind far too often these days, especially during this rare occasions empty of any responsibilities when he tried to sleep. Why this man in particular ? It had taken Jarvan some time to realize he had now a certain fondness for his protegee and furthermore to just see that it had been there for quite a long time. Present but silent, just like Xin Zhao in fact.

In itself the question wasn’t important or anything, figuring this out wouldn’t change his life anyway but it was so strange to realize something of the sort and it led to many questions for himself. When did it start ? Why him in particular ? Was there any reason to explain this ?

Would it change anything ? _No._

It was a mere questionning, nothing more. Jarvan was just curious about this, about the certain comfort found in their rare evenings in that far library. So there were reasons, it would seem. Just to get frequent meetings in sort of privacy couldn’t be out of nowhere, maybe a reason or a consequence. In any case he enjoyed these times because he could pretend to take off the crown for a few hours and they would chat, from one individual to another one. It wasn’t the court or the military, he had no responsibilities to bear and issues to solve. It was just them, peacefully enjoying their liquor along the conversation about past and future. Maybe that was all he needed indeed. Peace and company.

_So it would work with anyone ?_ Just imagining this felt wrong, or at least not very true.

The King of Demacia didn’t frequent a lot of persons, this circle was already reduced to the court and high families of the kingdom. There were also the people walking the palace, domestics and guards, many that got to see the king from close or far depending of the rank or role within the specific hierarchy within Demacia. Considering this, there weren’t already many that could just walk in and run into the king, even less to have a chat.

To reach such ‘level’ there had to be a certain rank among captains or such, important members of the main families or domestics already close with the Lightshields. Even with that it seemed unlikely that any officer or high-rank of the royal guard might be summoned for a chat late in the evening without any important topic. So yes Xin Zhao was quite an exception regarding all this but it wasn’t the first time he had stood out. By mere existence in the palace he was an exception. Jarvan couldn’t imagine any other person that would agree or feel right to chat with like that, except his dear queen but she was long gone sadly. On that point it was still different than with his wife, she was literally the only person he could ever get close to emotionally and physically.

It made him sigh sadly, the years had gone but the pain remained, even so slightly. A small pause in his quiet wondering.

Was it so similar to his conversations with Xin Zhao ? Himself could really agree, it was definitely different. Not the same relationship if he could even use that word to describe it. No, it was more like mutual respect. Coud he call that friendship ? For that Jarvan wasn’t sure, there weren’t many people he could call friend in the way usually used. He was the king and somehow people tried to keep this barrier clear, calling it privilege. Xin Zhao too respected it with a lot of zeal, far from him to even pretend being close to the king. Despite the many occasions and time spent chatting about life and past, Jarvan still noticed that internalized reminder of their so called status. It was true but in this place he just refused to deal with it, they were both individuals having a conversation, no need to use titles every time. And yet Xin Zhao always used the title every single time. He wasn’t born in Demacia but it clung to his very soul to show the needed respect. Almost overdoing it.

_Not his fault, he learned that from everyone here_. Surely his protegee had to fit in and learn all the rules, said and unsaid. This was a lot to process and apply, especially knowing how strict Demacia could be with its own customs. For someone born in another nation it had to be harsh at first. Xin Zhao seemed to have overcome that kind of difficulties though, not having brought up any issues. Jarvan was proud of him for that and everything else, not everyone could tumble into Demacia and manage to succeed like the latter did. Soon to earn a new rank, he was sure. _He deserves it_.

What was the point of all this ? Ah yes, Xin Zhao being impossible to replace. There was literally no one else Jarvan could chat with, no one he respected as much and with such unique past. It had tobe a mix of many reasons, otherwise it wouldn’t have led to fondness.

The man had everything, from his absolute trust to his curiosity. Jarvan could put his own life between his hands, as well as his own son’s and heir. He could talk about everything in his presence, none of it would be heard outside. Also Xin Zhao had a serious point of view from an outsider, it was precious to know how decisions and reactions could be sen by someone not originally from the kingdom.

So this was the source of this fondness ? Having found someone eager to listen ? Again there had to be other reasons but Jarvan was running out of ideas. It wouldn’t change anything, although maybe in his own perception of their interactions. A new way of seeing it. Jarvan hoped it wouldn’t alter his behavior around Xin Zhao, this would be a shame. Losing his dear protegee would be horrible indeed, especially after all this time.

Hopefully he would stay by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, i think i see some plot happening soon xD


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!  
> alright, let's get this good burn~
> 
> thanks for reading!!

Should he have said something else ?

Xin Zhao couldn’t be sure and yet it still busied his thoughts a long time after the actual conversation. It had taken place in the library, like many times before with increasing frequency, while he was studying a little.

To start with, that was King Jarvan’s idea. Himself wouldn’t have even suggested working on his learning during that specific time, meant to remain private and relaxed. Well, less tense than usual. Xin Zhao was getting quite good at reading and writing but he still had to practice sometimes and so his king had suggested a month ago to use their evenings partially to work on that. Of course he refused but the latter was convincing, like always and explained that it really didn’t bother him to dedicate a part of their time to this. Furthermore he was glad to help his protegee in his practice of the langage and a library was the perfect place for that. So it happened and after a few times it did seem like a good idea, one that Xin Zhao wouldn’t have brought up by himself because in his dear thoughts that time was reserved already. Despite the rather casual approach and what King Jarvan surely thought of these informal meetings, himself grew to enjoy it like a private time.

In fact maybe it hadn’t changed much after he had started his small exercises in the first half of their evenings. It was a little funny because no one in the palace would ever believe he, the foreign gladiator turned royal guard was taking something private lessons with the King of Demacia. No one would find the place neither, unless trying to deliberately get lost in this maze of white walls and windows.

Fine, it’s wasn’t exactly private lessons but more like an occasion to practice a little while king Jarvan poured them another glass. It was quite peaceful, Xin Zhao could take his time to focus a little on what he tried to wrote and the latter was there to correct anything or just be talkative. The second part of the evening was called a short break but in fact it as just what they had been doing for so long, chatting about the latest events or their lives. At the time the young heir was making good efforts and so they talked about it.

None of it would have at least warned Xin Zhao about this peculiar question.

At first it had been asked out of the blue but in such context, there wasn’t a lot King Jarvan hadn’t talked about. Once the crown down he sounded and acted like any other person of the court, more relaxed. Xin Zhao didn’t know how but his voice had a nice sound, always warm and deep. Since he wasn’t talking that much, it meant he spent most of the time listening and it was always a pleasure, beyond the content of their conversations. Some people just had a nice voice. Although he made sure to keep that thought for himself.

Just a small question asking Xin Zhao if he considered him a friend. Just this.

At the moment it had him pause a little his writing to gaze back at the latter. King Jarvan seemed happy as ever, casually asking that as if it was out of mere curiosity. Possibly it was for him but it made Xin Zhao panic a little behind his composure. Even right now he didn’t know what he should have answered because that was too sudden and most of all how could he consider the man he had sworn his life to and king of Demacia as a friend ?

It sounded like a trick question although he knew King Jarvan wasn’t that kind of man, he wouldn’t manipulate people like this and pretend it was nothing. So curiosity. Since he had not answer from Xin Zhao he continued with something like _« because I do consider you a dear friend. »._ It was gratuitous, there were no warning and now he had been given something extremely rare and precious.

Had it been true all this time ?  It was difficult for Xin Zhao to just imagine because in his opinion, he was a mere soldier and guard, taken from the arenas for a better life. To be friends implied an equal level between them and that was just impossible to consider. They weren’t equal, it would never be the fact, no matter how many times King Jarvan had asked him not to use the titles when they had their evenings. Respect was due, for being a lower life and for being sworn to him. 

So to say he hadn’t been able to answer quick, many thoughts running in his mind. Was what he ? Just a royal guard that happened to be well considered by the King. Nothing more. But suddenly he was a dear friend. 

Xin Zhao did remember his own answer after kicking down the initial fluster but it wasn’t worth remembering, something about not being worthy and all that kind of reasoning that was his reality. He had apologized several times,  by reflex but also because he couldn’t properly explain why this question troubled him that much. 

This was his answer, he couldn’t understand such high opinion of him but he was humbly thankful to be given such an honor. No doubt out there everyone would wish to be considered a friend of the King. It didn’t really answer the question though and deeply Xin Zhao knew it. Because he had no answer to that specific question. Did he consider King Jarvan his friend ? In no world they would be equals, it was just unrealistic.

For once the latter had gone quiet too, gazing at him with a strange expression. It was different of his faint frustration every time Xin Zhao used titles or told anything that hinted toward different levels. That was what scared him even now, reconsidering everything. Should he have answered differently ? Should he have lied ? By principle he never lied, these never helped but in that instant, maybe he should have reciprocated. Deemed a dear friend and yet he couldn’t openly say the same.

Anyway his thoughts were a mess, no way to find some sense even after a few days of questionning. So far they had interacted since without an hitch but Xin Zhao remained anxious about it.

Why couldn’t he just say yes ? And why did it sound so true ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me waiting to make it gay xD  
> ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i want to make it gay but i can't go for it too fast xD
> 
> thanks for reading!!

In the end, it turned out fine although indeed it had taken some time to get a real answer. All changed at their next occasion to chat in the evening, always with that same bottle of liquor and few books to help Xin Zhao’s practice.

Jarvan had almost given up on the topic but that was it. _He said yes_. After almost two weeks of silent questioning when he was alone.

This story was a bit of a mess he had caused himself by accident. At first, Jarvan had just been wondering on his own how he saw his protegee. From there he could conclude to fondness toward a special friend. That was true, after many questions he did see Xin Zhao as a dear friend, for lack of a better word. It didn’t cover exactly what he felt toward him because it was too confused and strange but it was close enough.

All this could have remained to that if he had been curious about the latter’s opinion. If Jarvan had a default that went as a quality, it really was curiosity. He wanted to ask despite the already present reminder that it could potentially give nothing. Over the year he had first learned that Xin Zhao was the kind to hide everything behind a solide facade so it was actually difficult to know what he thought without asking. As if he would tell if asked.

Fleetingly Jarvan feared it was mainly one-sided. He really enjoyed Xin Zhao’s company, spending time with him or simply interacting with him at some point in the day. And yet it could be only his own perception. Maybe his protegee only saw him as the figure of authority around, the man he was sworn to protect. Also the man that had freed him, as he mentioned from time to time. For that he seemed to think he had a life debt. Following that way of thinking, it wasn’t sure Xin Zhao saw him even on a familiar level, if that was the correct word. Strange given his many interactions with Jarvan but again, everyone thought differently.

So he had first asked two weeks ago during their private time. The answer wasn’t exactly enough.

It was a little disappointing because at that time Xin Zhao had apologized many times, got lost with his words and yet no real answer. Probably that was why he had apologized, because he had no answer at the moment.

Jarvan had to hide a little his sadness for that. Well, on one hand he had been the one asking, he couldn’t be mad or anything because the reply wasn’t the one he expected. On the other hand, it stung to just imagine appreciating someone more than they did in return. That was life, he had to get used to it.

The part that made him thoughtful was Xin Zhao’s reaction. It was something not to give a proper answer but in his case, it seemed simply that he hadn’t considered the question until then. Also it wasn’t often Jarvan saw him lose his composure even so slightly, his usual calm a little shaken by that question. All was explained by the fact that again, Xin Zhao thought he couldn’t even pretend be friend with him, they didn’t have the same status. That part was expected but it didn’t seem to cover everything because there was still something. In no way the latter could pretend that what they shared was similar to anyone else, it was unique. Mutual curiosity and learning.

The days that followed Jarvan had tried not to linger on this for too long. He had failed many times, it stayed on his mind even until now, for whatever reason. Why would it matter ? He considered his protegee a dear friend and it didn’t seem to be mutual. Of course he could feel a little sad about it but it wouldn’t change his life, just make him sigh after possibilities.

The real surprise was this moment. The next evening they shared, the first thing Xin Zhao had said was yes. He did consider him a friend too. At the occasion he also apologized many many times until Jarvan had to order him to stop, this was almost self-afflicted. Expected but not agreeable to see anyway, he didn’t like to know Xin Zhao had such low consideration for himself that the smallest mistake required apologies for hours. First the titles and then that, it could get tiring. But he didn’t give up.

The most important was the message. Xin Zhao agreed with him and returned it. There was such an innocent joy to have a new friend. Not exactly new since they had known each other for a good year but to simply state that they both considered the other as friend was so happy. Jarvan could sleep at peace, there was at least one good thing to look forward to.

Oh of course Xin Zhao had explained in a soft fluster that outside he wouldn’t say they were friend but if they were on a similar level then yes he saw him as a dear friend, repeating his same manner of speech for that one. A lot of words to say yes. It was more than alright for Jarvan, he had a positive answer and at least one truth to keep dearly.

The rest of the evening went as smoothly as usual. Xin Zhao may have been a little less talkative than on most evenings but with time he seemed to break out of this silent fluster. Probably that was a lot to say for him, someone that didn’t talk of himself very often. That and the fact that he couldn’t consider himself on the same level than the kind, it could be exhausting for him. It was fine, Jarvan now knew and they enjoyed their evening like every others, back to reading practice for a time.

When came the time to sleep, he indeed the occasion to think more about it. It was said, loud and clear, his protegee didn’t mind what they had and even returned it. Now what ? Like many things in life, sometimes the point was just to know it. Nothing changed and yet nothing would remain the same. All alone at the moment, Jarvan wondered about it and the point of it. Indeed it was nice to know that he could trust someone to that point but was it all he wanted ?

Again, dear friend was the closest he had found to describe it but it was deeper, more different and either he didn’t have the right word or he didn’t really know what that was. How could he call the infinite trust in one single person, both guardian of his few secrets and of this private time ?

He thought about the many times he had helped Xin Zhao in his practice of the language, listening to him reading the best he could some advanced texts. Rarely the latter could speak that much and it was nice to hear. Sometimes, oh very dear times Jarvan would linger a little on the peaceful aura of these occasions. As if he could engrave that in his memories. It was because of these moments when he caught a glimpse of that discreet smile that he wondered if dear friend really was the correct term.

Was he mistaken ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, i think soon we'll get the first feels


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> sorry, i know it's been a while for this one T__T now it's back!!
> 
> thank you for your patience <3

_This was a mistake…_

At least, for a time. In the direct afterwath for telling King Jarvan, Xin Zhao really doubted this decision. It was stupid, it didn’t help his case and most of all he had given an answer far too late. And yet it was the first evening since the time King Jarvan asked so technically it couldn’t be that late but here he was debating this for nothing.

The perfect way to get distracted. He didn’t need this, far from it.

_Focus._

Was it truly a mistake ? He couldn’t be so sure. All he knew what the latter’s reaction, a bit more serene in the happy way for that evening. As if King Jarvan could be something else than peaceful and happy on these evenings. On a side note, yes it happened but only once or twice and he never let this have an effect on their evening. Bad days happened, especially when it was because of serious topics tasting sour. Again, Xin Zhao didn’t know much about it, even after a year. Demacian could be a little cautious with certain taboos, like mages.

Back to the ‘issue’. At first he would call it a mistake because supposedly he never wanted to lie, especially to his king. That was a principle. So Xin Zhao feared he might have been wrong when he told King Jarvan that he too considered him a dear friends, to use his words. He belieced in it but was it true ? It killed him a little to imagine that he told a lie without thinking. However a lie would be intentional, which wasn’t his case. Again, what a headache.

On the positive side his king was happy with the answer and the evening had gone very smoothly. Xin Zhao could only hope for this, although he had remained a bit silent for the early part. It was difficult to be the one at the center of attention, only to reveal his very opinion. It shouldn’t matter as much. King Jarvan often asked for it since it could help to have an outsider’s point of view but otherwise Xin Zhao didn’t think he was worth the attention.

Anyway, the evening was over, he had walked King Jarvan back to his quarters before heading to his humble room. After the routine of the end of a day, it left him there. Bothered and confused about himself.

Why did he need to struggle like this for nothing ? It wasn’t worth the fuss and obviously King Jarvan didn’t mind. He had got his answer and seemed quite glad about it. End of the topic. So it would seem that the issue was for Xin Zhao and he couldn’t understand why.

Why did it make him feel…that ? On reflex he would think that since being friends meant being on the same level then he was uncomfortable even imagining being a sort of equal to King Jarvan. Easy. It was still true but there was something else that he could sense without much accuracy. It was just there, the similar feeling than when he had gathered his courage to casually give a positive answer. It was literally keeping him from sleep.

Part of him wanted to wait next time and take back the answer he gave but the other half just wanted to let it as it was. It was good to know his king was happy with that, there was no issue at all. Only his strange feelings.

_What is that… ?_

It was there and he couldn’t identify it. First the private evenings just the two of them and then this sudden question about friendship. Everything made him feel a bit strange and yet it wasn’t on the negative side. It wasn’t fear or discomfort. However not knowing what it was sure made him a little more anxious about it, fearing to betray himself for whatever reason. Xin Zhao never showed much what he felt and thought, it was useless for him and people could use it against him. So far it had saved him a lot of troubles but it could get tiring. Earlier, he did broke a little, far too flustered to pretend he didn’t care.

Questioning it wouldn’t give him an answer, maybe time would. Like always. For now he would put that topic aside and try not to think about it. Did it even matter ? Their lives wouldn’t change anyway, now they were close friends and that was all. Was the fuss all about this friendship.

_No idea_. Hopefully in a few weeks or month maybe then he would have identified this new feeling. If not, he wouldn’t bother himself about it.

And yet his heart didn’t calm down so fast.

~

Something was coming. The guard was busy, a lot more than usual. Word ran about a future battle to fight. Xin Zhao didn’t purposely seek these although he didn’t avoid it neither. Among the military he wasn’t alone anymore, having made friend with a few others and all this developed during the year. They kept him up to date about the latest rumors from high-ups.

Noxus was attacking once more.

In itself it wasn’t a surprise, it happened since this nation never had enough. Either Noxus or the tribes from the North. In any case the news weren’t shocking and Xin Zhao already got ready mentally for another battle. They had no instructions yet but surely in the evening he would know, the royal guard was always crucial in these times.

What a peculiar time. Xin Zhao couldn’t tell if he was scared or not. This wasn’t his first battle anymore, he was now aware of every single Demacian tactic during the fights. It would be alright. And yet he still remembered the arenas, the clamor before the fights, the lurking threat over his very life. Would he still be alive afterward ? Would he die weapon in hand ? The battlefield was far too different from the arenas, years and years of conditioning to be the perfect gladiator couldn’t be erased so fast. The only good side was that it wasn’t too complex, it was either kill of be killed. No place for stupid struggles over new feelings or questions about friendship. All that was kept for the palace.

So he considered this peculiar time before the storm, ready to accept his fate. May it be glorious, as long as he fulfilled his duty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, next update gonna have Xin's POV too  
> just know that things gonna move a little~


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> alright, let's get this plot moving~
> 
> thanks for reading!!

This shouldn’t have happened.

The song of steel against still still rang within Xin Zhao, kept on by the rhythm of the battle. It was messy, noisy, nothing too different from his past and yet he had failed, even so slightly.

Noxus was merciless, he knew it well for having fought on their side. But he had been on the side of gladiators turned soldiers for a single battle, this wasn’t the same than the Noxian army, this barbaric mass of iron and anger.

Nothing could change how it was, it had happened. All it took was a second of inattention, a breach in one’s guard or too many enemies at once. For Xin Zhao, it had been the latest. That was the real difference with the arenas, in the battlefield there were far too many enemies to even think taking them down all alone. He could try but this was impossible. Also he had allies, that was the whole point. Part of the group, all united in their mutual goal of both success and protection.

So yes, Xin Zhao had limits, having faced too many at once. It resulted in this failure, a wound. Not a small nick or cut, he had had his deal already and it just served as ornament over his battle-worn body. That one was deep.

A dagger, revealed when it was too late and he thought he had taken down all his direct enemies. That was all it took, one stab directed at the juncture of his armor, digging into flesh painfully. He had worse, again but pain remained the same, despicable.

Next second the lucky warrior was already dead, spear slicing his throat open.

It shouldn’t have happened, this was an open door to worse. Xin Zhao knew it well, the worst during a fight was the first wound for it would lead to exhaustion, poor judgment or even incapacity. Better consider himself dead. One wound wasn’t the end, the following one could be. In a battlefield there was no way to be sure it would be the only and last one.

Honestly, he could get help but this seemed so trivial. That was the real trick. He could still stand, he could still fight, nothing held him back because adrenalin was keeping him going without fear nor exhaustion. Soon he would regret it but Xin Zhao’s sense of duty was stronger. He couldn’t bear the idea of retreating while everyone else was protecting the kingdom and their king.

_My lord…_

Yes, that was why he kept going, from the very beginning. Always had been. This wound would be some shame for later, duty came first.

Xin Zhao stood strong and fierce, ready to give everything.

~

The battle had gone for a while, tiring both sides until Demacia managed to push back this other Noxian attempt at showing dominance. Really, how could it be worth it ? People died in these battles, maybe in rather minimal amount in the Demacian army for they took care of each other but for real, Xin Zhao didn’t understand the need to send soldiers to be killed in far land. Anyway it was over and before anything, reasons weren’t his problem. All he had to do was protect the King, nothing else.

It was time to have some regrets. Or maybe not because he was still certain he did the right thing. Still his body was far from happy by the end of the battle. It had been difficult but Xin Zhao was alive. For now.

The wound kept him in deep pain. More than he could ever admit. Of course it had to be a vicious attack that could bring him to that level, doing his best to seem composed and focused on every task that came after victory. Duty never stopped, he had to remain by King Jarvan’s side. Always. After a while the rush of the battle had calmed down and left him to deal with the reality of his wound. A quite deep gash in his side. Only then did he really felt the possible risk with that.

Blood seeped slowly. When Xin Zhao was asked about it, he simply told it was the blood of their enemies. His mission wasn’t over yet, he could rest before they got back to the capital. So he endured in silence, clutching at his spear as if it could distract him from the actual torment.

_Don’t. Soon it will end._

It was also a bit stupid to hide a wound like this, he didn’t mean to cause any troubles for anyone and that was another reason he was doing it. As time went he just couldn’t find the time and courage to get some help. Maybe it wasn’t that serious. Some bandages once back to the capital and then it would be alright.

Rarely it would go as he wished. Running around at the military camp, there was no time to rest. Being a royal guard, he never lost sight of the King. That was duty, duty hurt but it was right. Plus he would hate to stay away from King Jarvan even for a short time. Again anxiety speaking.

And now it was time for Xin Zhao to worry about himself. Usually he didn’t care much as long as he was able to move and complete what he was asked but as time went pain increasing. His tolerance was quite high for having fought most of his life but this wasn’t good either, it hatefully stung, taking over his thoughts when usually he would have been completely focused on whatever he had to do for the King.

It couldn’t be that bad. Could it ? Xin Zhao didn’t want to know, he had to stay ready for anything. Just another small effort. Soon it would end.

And indeed it ended on the return to the capital.

By now it was just agony to stand, even more to remain composed like he was doing fine. At least for him and the royal guards, the return by the King’s side was by horse. So no effort to walk.

A lot of good it did because during the ride Xin Zhao was no longer able to hold on. It was too much, all his exhaustion had piled up and the wound wasn’t helping. He felt like losing grip on reality.

Until he fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and hello again!  
> i got more time so i made two updates today xD
> 
> thanks for reading!!

The sudden noise had Jarvan look around, along a few gasps and shout behind.

_What is that ?_

So his gaze immediately fell on that one horse now without rider and his brain connected the dots.

_Oh no._

« Xin ! »

He couldn’t believe it, Xin Zhao had fallen off his horse on the ride to the capital. Without thinking he brought his to a quick stop, getting down while everyone around followed the same reflex. That was bad, really bad. _Something is wrong ??_

It was the return from a battle, of course something could be wrong but Jarvan was far too worried in that instant to think straight. In no time he rushed to Xin Zhao’s side, having fallen heavily on the rough road.

_Oh gods, please no._

Jarvan didn’t care about anything else, he fell to his knees and held carefully Xin Zhao’s face, trying to assess the situation best. In sickening worry he felt some blood over his hand where he had craddled the latter’s head. Just another reason to risk freaking out.

« Xin, look at me ! » Oh he wasn’t even trying to hide how concerned he felt on that moment.

_Answer me, please…_

What could have gone wrong ? Everything. It was a battlefield, everyone risked their lives for Demacia. And yet Jarvan couldn’t stand to see his protegee down. Xin Zhao’s eyes were still open, obviously struggling to focus at all. It was still such relief when his gaze did fall on Jarvan, although it seemed very dazed, unsure he even saw him at all.

A few times he opened his mouth as to speak but nothing came except a small groan of pain. Such a sound from him was worrying, from someone so silent and prone to hide everything. It hurt just to hear. First the small wound at the back of his head and now this, Xin Zhao was definitely injured.

« My lord, let us do please ! You don’t have to. » Said behind by one of the royal guards. Of course, everyone had come there to see what was the issue. Some probably had seen him fall.

« Let. Me. » He wasn’t really in the mood to be pushed aside because they deemed the King couldn’t do certain things. Full attention on Xin Zhao, he spoke to him again, softly : « Xin, can you hear me ? Where are you hurt ? »

This was the most important. It had to be serious to take him down, not just a small hit. Maybe some of the message went through because Xin Zhao brought a hand over his side after wincing sharply. Very painful indeed. Watchful, Jarvan tried to understand a little. It seemed to indicate his side and indeed there were a few blood stains over armor. _There_. While everyone around was stuck in a pause figuring out how to ask the King not to step that low, Jarvan followed his instinct and tried to unlock that top armor, even though it ended up being a bit more difficult than he thought. After a few attempts he still made it, only to be hit by worry again. Indeed Xin Zhao was wounded, a deep stab above his waist where surely someone had managed to sneak a dagger through. It was powerful enough to have cut several layers of clothing and light armor.

_Xin…_

And all his time he had said nothing. Jarvan didn’t know what to think about that, on one hand it wasn’t surprising that Xin Zhao could hide a wound until there was time to take care of it but on the other hand he was genuinely upset that he could overlook so easily his own issues. _Duty, again…_ That or the heat of the battle had seriously made him reduced his pain awareness. Jarvan doubted it was that, he knew enough of his protegee to guess he had purposely pushed aside his own well-being for the sake of their duty or just to remain by his side. Fondness was good sometimes when his discipline was endearing but right now it was straight up neglect of himself. Some anger rose gently but it was useless.

« I… »

As quick it had Jarvan look up to meet his gaze, still glad to see that Xin Zhao was able to speak even a few words. Anger couldn’t fight against that.

« Yes ? It will be alright, we will take care of you. » There was some light struggle under his hands so Jarvan did his best to soothe was he could, coaxing him to give up and stop that small fight.

« I apologize…I didn’t mean… »

Breath short, Xin Zhao stopped. Clearly he wasn’t doing well, close to pass out. On reflex it made Jarvan worry again, far too aware of the injury and everything else.

« Don’t say this. It’s not even you fault to begin with. » He would have gone on but he noticed Xin Zhao’s awareness was already slipping away. « Xin ? »

He was right, Xin Zhao passed out in no time, eyes now close. Concern never left, Jarvan shook him carefully to get his attention but it was done, the latter was far too exhausted for this. Or it was the wound. On reflex Jarvan covered the wound, only getting his hand covered in more blood but at least it gave the faint feeling to help.

« My lord, please… We have called a healer, allow us to take care of him. »

With any more pleas they had already started taking Xin Zhao somewhere else to be treated by someone who knew what to do. It didn’t change that Jarvan was far too shaken by what had just happened and to simply let go for a time sounded awful. No matter what, it didn’t seem to his choice anymore. Cautiously they took Xin Zhao away from him. This wasn’t supposed to be his business, after all.

In any case, he was torn between his own sort of duty and this wave of new anxiety. Xin Zhao was seriously wounded and had kept it under silence all this time. Would he have talked about it once back to the capital ? Jarvan supposed so but now they would never know about it.

That fear was new.

It was normal of course to be worried about his friend but all this was far too sudden. Duty could be rough, Xin Zhao was also the most stubborn person he had around. Considering all this it could explain his potential choice not to talk about a wound. At the same time, this came with the military career. One had to put their life at risk. Jarvan couldn’t have regrets about it now. Xin Zhao knew very well what he got into and he was good at it.

For now surely it would be alright, despite the fall it seemed that the wound wasn’t deadly – unless it had gone too long before any kind of treatment. Most likely it would heal. He hoped. Because in his mind, this was both a reality check and a bitter reminder about death. It could happen any time.

_No_.

There came the tricky part. Jarvan couldn’t forbid him to risk his life again. It was Xin Zhao’s first mission and what he wanted to do. So it left him there, feeling a bit useless, angry and sad about his protegee’s dedication.

Why did it hurt like that ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor beans, life is happening too much  
> now, soon there will be an alternate chapter here too cuz jdhfskjhfkjhgjhgkjshgj possibilities


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!!  
> let's keep this sweet angst~
> 
> thanks for reading!!

Xin Zhao was injured. His dear friend, his protegee. Even now Jarvan couldn’t believe it fully and yet every thing showed it was true. It had happened and it made him realize several things, none of it very pleasant.

First, the reality of war. It wasn’t a surprise, from his youth Jarvan had been taught about the merciless of life and war. People would often die for the ideals they carried on, they tried to prevent it as they could but death was ineluctable. He knew it well, anyone in the military and guard could possibly die too young while in service. Then why did he feel so betrayed now ? This was Xin Zhao’s path, he was trained for it and rose through it. War and violence were also his choice, he had specifically demanded to be a royal protector. Jarvan shouldn’t feel like this now that he had seen his blood pour. It was too late and anyway he wasn’t young anymore, he knew the invisible sword hanging above all of their heads. Sooner or later it could happen.

The second thing was extremely painful. He didn’t want to lose Xin Zhao, that was an understandable fact that no one would debate but Jarvan feared it might be deeper than that. He was a close friend, one of the very few he truly had. He held dear everyone’s life in this kingdom but a very few were the ones he would chose personally. And now Xin Zhao had fallen in the fights – or rather after the fights, the result was the same.

For now Jarvan couldn’t join him. Everyone was back at the capital, taking care of the injured that still needed treatment or such. As king, he wasn’t free yet of his responsabilities and it killed him slowly with worry not to know how it was going for the latter. He supposed he would recover, with time and attention. If anything was to happen, he had insistently asked to be informed. Who knew ? He didn’t want to learn later that Xin Zhao’s condition got worse.

_Please…_

It was unfair, no one deserved to be hurt but now Jarvan was getting so worried for another person than his own son. The Prince was doing good of course, they only rarely let him outof the capital. The only thing was that neither had told him that Xin Zhao was injured although he did notice that one of his favorite guards wasn’t there. Too young to be told, sometimes it was for the best not to tell when it was uncertain. Probably Xin Zhao would make a full recovery, no need to worry the Prince with such sad news.

_I hope he will get well soon_. Genuinely. It wasn’t often Jarvan got so concerned about someone, it hit him harshly. Too many things at once, so little time to even take care of himself and now he had his dear protegee possibly still passed out on a bed somewhere near the palace. Perks from being a royal guard, he would be treated even better than the typical soldiers. Jarvan really wanted to go and check on him, this was unbearable. Sadly, responsibilities kept him busy. Like always.

So there wasn’t a lot he could do besides resume his tasks and meetings and ask for updates from time to time. Hopefully nothing would change and his friend was perfectly safe.

~

_Xin…_

If Jarvan had been ready to see his friend, now it was rendered useless as soon as he was allowed to step in this quiet room in the part of the building where soldiers were treated.

Nothing could have prepared him to this. As he had been warned, Xin Zhao was still unconcious, surely because of the exhaustion of the battle catching up with him. This was what Jarvan was told and he believed them.

« Leave us alone. »

« Very well, my lord. »

He preferred it this way, no one around because for one he didn’t know if he could remain unfazed after that. After the light noise of a door being closed, Jarvan stepped toward the only bed, eyes on his dear fallen soldier. A shame, truly. This shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

How could he allow this to happen ? Jarvan could vividly remember the anger he felt when he had realized the depth of the wound and most of all that it was purposely hidden. No way Xin Zhao hadn’t felt the pain all along, adrenalin or not. He had to know about it and yet he kept it under silence. That part was really infuriating and a big part of Jarvan’s anger was directed toward himself. He should have paid attention or made sure there was no issue. How could they possibly ignore that one of them was potentially bleeding out while on duty after the fights ? Next time he would be so so careful. _If there is a next time_. It wasn’t often but Jarvan couldn’t resist to that wave of anxiety. There was his protegee, unconcious since he had fallen, bandaged and healed as much as they could. They doubted he wouldn’t make it, the wound was deep but now it was taken care of. It shouldn’t go worse.

Getting closer, Jarvan surrendered to this turmoil. It was stronger than him, he covered Xin Zhao’s hand with his. How much for a dear soul among so many else. He shouldn’t be so disproportionally concerned about a single person but it was stronger than him.

More than ever he was speechless, only able to feel. And now he felt sadness and an overly new feeling. It had gotten a lot more powerful with time and now nothing could stop it from making his heart beat. _For him ?_ This was so confusing. Jarvan didn’t know how to take that, too concerned in that moment. But what was that ? A slow ache, increasingly bothering.

He looked at Xin Zhao and it couldn’t be more excruciating. So much that Jarvan started to doubt himself. What was that feeling ? Rarely he got to feel that strongly about someone’s injury. Was it only about Xin Zhao ? The same feeling that tore his heart also urged him closer. Touch, soothe, do whatever it takes to make it better. If only he could take away his pain. The maximum he allowed was gently holding the latter’s shoulder, unable to do more.

_Why ?_

Why be so hurt by something that didn’t affect him physically ? Was that all the risk of losing someone ? Of course he already knew it but now it hit differently. He didn’t want to lose Xin Zhao but slowly he came to think it was for the ‘wrong’ reasons. It was developping, turning into something else. More powerful than ever.

Was this really friendship ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooooooooooo  
> i think next update will be an alternate chapter cuz ofc this is a golden occasion for mmmmmmmmmmmh fluff


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry, i said i'd post an alternate chapter but what i wrote still fit in the 'canon' fic so here goes!
> 
> thanks for reading!!

A full day had gone and it wasn’t going better.

In itself it wasn’t that long, barely a day in someone’s life but for Jarvan it was already far too long without being able to check. Xin Zhao hadn’t woken up yet. This could happen any time soon, the healers would say. Good thing but obviously he had a lot going on and rest could take a while.

For Jarvan it wasn’t fun at all. Being the King and barely back from yet another clash with Noxus, there were many things to do and solve at the capital, reports made and other meetings. All required his attention and he had mostly no time left for his protegee. In all honesty he wished he could just delay every meeting when he needed to go and calm his worry but this was his duty, he couldn’t chose to pause it for a while.

Maybe he needed that. With all that was happening, it could be better for him to be focused on something that to be left alone worrying uselessly. After all this time, Jarvan thought he was ready to handle such difficult times when it involved close persons but it seemed that no, he wasn’t. Even seven years later he wasn’t at all.

_Just like Catherine…_

That part scared him a little because indeed he came to realize his troubled thoughts were quite similar to that one period when he lost his wife and Queen. Something he hadn’t seen coming and yet everything could happen. Something that reminded him of mortality. Now he thought about Xin Zhao still unconscious and he couldn’t help getting worried on reflex. This wasn’t supposed to feel the same and yet it did, to his dismay. Searching why only made him more confused and preoccupied about the whole thing. He wasn’t supposed to feel exactly the same about the loss of his wife and the unlikely risk over his protegee’s life. It just wasn’t the same.

Was it ?

Now that he was left alone in that same room he had first visited the latest day, Jarvan didn’t know what to think. Xin Zhao hadn’t moved, he was still there, still unresponsive despite his injury being treated. Only slow breath that lifted his chest, no other sign of life.

Jarvan sat there, just next to the bed. Finding time for this was difficult but he could hope at night to get one occasion. The kind was allowed to when he ordered. So it left him there, considering his confused feelings, gaze stuck on his dear friend.

Sometimes the urge came up to get up and look for a pulse. It was that deep, he couldn’t stand the possible loss. Not when the first time he hadn’t been able to do anything before it was too late.

_He still breathing, stop this_.

When he wasn’t overthinking about the risks of sudden death, Jarvan got lost in figuring out why he felt this way. Why did it have to hurt and remind him of his lady ? The only explanation was clear but he didn’t dare to voice it.

… _Love ?_

Xin Zhao wasn’t on his death bed and yet he made him feel like the time Jarvan had lost his wife so their son could live. The only common thing would be these feelings and he knew very well that he loved Lady Catherine with all his heart.

Was it wrong ? Had he truly fallen in love with his protegee ? He looked at Xin Zhao and nothing came to debate this new fact. There had been something for a while, something he had thought to be an extraordinary friendship but the thought of losing the latter had changed everything.

_It’s true ?_

Despite himself, Jarvan had a very soft gaze over him almost every time. He cared about him and knowing he was always by his side made him feel so much. He was safe because he knew Xin Zhao would always be there for him. The purest loyalty. And now it had made him fall in love. _No, it’s not that_. He didn’t want to feel love because of a position of power, it was both incorrect and repulsive. Being the King could be indeed a barrier to most of it, he was the supreme authority here and technically no one could disobey. He really hoped he wasn’t feeling this way about Xin Zhao because he was so devoted and loyal. This would be unfair.

And yet fondness was already established. He wanted to be closer, to cherish him. It got strong by the minute when they were alone in that far library. Usually Xin Zhao was so serious most of the day, at night at least he seemed to relax a little. Calling him cute definitely wasn’t really some friendly thing, Jarvan was barely realizing the extent. _So all this time ?_

Unable to be sure, Jarvan still went to hold the latter’s hand. The smallest thing he could take without imposing himself. A mere gesture that still soothed his fears. All would be alright, Xin Zhao was going to wake up next day without any issue. Jarvan would get an occasion to properly scowl him and remind him of the importance of treating injuries quickly. All would be fine in the best of worlds.

How about these feelings ? _I have no idea_.

Jarvan wasn’t even completely sure it was love. Probably it was but he needed time to consider it and accept it. At least to know he wasn’t projecting his old grief on the closest person he had around, it would be a shame if he was mistaken. It could be that. Only for his deep worry but on the other hand, nothing else could explain such care he had for Xin Zhao. This couldn’t be a trivial thing.

There was no age for love. He had been blessed once, lucky enough to love his wife and mother of his son and yet nothing could stop him from falling a second time. For a man, nonetheless. Not so surprising, he could learn a few things about himself. Because that was all, feelings. Unlike with his late queen, these new feelings had no point, nothing to bring to him or Demacia.

It was born in secret and it could potentially die in secret too. Was there even a chance for it to be requited ? He held Xin Zhao’s hand, wondering about potential futures.

_What if ?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, this time i really hope i'll be able to write the alternate chapter so in probably two days it will be out!!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm stupid, here is another regular update  
> i swear this is the last point before the alternate chapter xD
> 
> thanks for reading!!

_He’s awake._

The news had come to him on this late morning, barely a few days after the initial battle and yet so late. Since he had specifically asked to be kept informed about a possible waking, Jarvan had been told expressly. However he wouldn’t be able to make it as quick, sadly.

In itself it was already more than enough. Xin Zhao was awake and healthy, taking a good rest. Nothing could go wrong from that point, on the opposite.

_I need to see him._

It was already that bad to figure out feelings after a rather traumatic event, no need to make himself wait any longer. But it was always the same thing, Jarvan couldn’t just sneak out of the palace without a good reason. His favorite royal guard had woken up after a sort of coma following a fall from his horse ? Not a good reason, he had to face that. The crown came with a heavy price. So he was going to wait, unable to fight this. The least he asked was to be told if anything came to happen – his own fears speaking – but hopefully everything would go well. It had to.

Speaking of these feelings, if at first he had thought he could be confused and projecting, now he wasn’t really sure it was that. It had taken another visit late at night to Xin Zhao’s temporary room to realize that. This wasn’t just worry, it was also affection and care. Every time he wanted to be there when the latter would wake up, to soothe his own worries and make sure he was healthy. Love was too real, too tangible. No way to ignore that except by delusion. Anyway he didn’t want to deny that, if he was in love then so be it, it had to be for a good reason. Deeply, Jarvan couldn’t be mad about it because Xin Zhao was the best person he could have fallen for now.

_Maybe it’s not some coincidence_. There was something about his protegee and it made him both want to keep him by his side forever and to respect him.

There he was, back to fondness about Xin Zhao. Really, it was a wonder how he hadn’t noticed for such a long time. And what did the latter think of it ? Could he even be interested ? Jarvan doubted it a little, if there was one thing he knew about him, it was his profuse loyalty to the point of forgetting himself. They had the proof right there, Xin Zhao’s latest words were apologies. On the other hand, he had agreed to say they were dear friends, it was already such a step. All the rest was confusion and soft questions that couldn’t be answered.

Was there even a chance for them ?

~

The day was over, at last Jarvan was free. He could see Xin Zhao and assess the situation himself. With haste he made it to the hospital part of the military building, always at least one guard by his side but sadly it couldn’t be Xin Zhao since he was resting.

I hope this isn’t too late. It was his only occasion though so Jarvan preferred to try anyway.

Not even needing to be showed the way, he went to see one of the healers before knocking at the door. Only a few steps and his last worries would be gone forever.

« How is he doing ? Is he resting now ? »

« Indeed my lord, he had been resting as much as possible. He will do a speedy recovery, we are certain but for now he is still quite weak and needs not to move or the stitches might come loose. »

« Very well. I will still see him, if you would allow me to. »

« Of course, please do. »

There was still this silent thing that when the King asked, it would be obeyed although he tried to make sure every time it was fine to do so. No need to cause them more issues than they had already with all the wounded soldiers back from the battle.

Jarvan hesitated to knock. If indeed Xin Zhao was asleep, probably it was better not to make any noise. Instead he just opened the door as quietly as possible, gesturing to his guard to wait there before he went inside.

_Xin…_

Sleeping, it would seem. So Jarvan was extremely cautious as he closed the door behind him and went to his seat next to the bed.

It was strange because it seemed like any other day before when Xin Zhao was in that sort of coma except now it was over, he had woken up. If it wasn’t for that piece of information, Jarvan might have doubted there was a single change. Maybe yes, still, the sheets were a bit more crumpled, signs that Xin Zhao had moved even so slightly. During his coma, there wasn’t a single move.

Nonetheless, Jarvan was happy to be there and to see him unharmed. Sometimes his own anxiety could be heavy, it was good to see that it was just that, thoughts and not reality. Xin Zhao was alright, he was alive and sleeping at the moment.

The candle light danced a little over the walls, last thing before darkness here. Jarvan watched it a little before he focused back on his dear guard. Once more affection welled up, something he wanted to offer. No doubt he was in love, Xin Zhao was the only one he yearned to cherish in such a way.

Maybe this is useless. It didn’t seem likely that his protegee would wake up any time soon. Except Jarvan had no idea what his sleep pattern was since he first woke up so he couldn’t be sure about anything. He waited anyway, sitting there in short peace. _See, he’s alive_. After a bad fall and deep injury but alive nonetheless. Jarvan was going to sleep better that night now that his fears were soothed. Slowly he brushed Xin Zhao’s hand, not really thinking about it.

Consequences arrived quick enough. Noticing a move, Jarvan went still as indeed the latter stirred in his sleep. This was the biggest sign of life he got for a while, as odd as it may it Jarvan was quite glad to see it. Then worry hit because indeed he risked to wake him up. _Oh no_.

It was too late, Xin Zhao’s eyes opened slowly. Without waiting Jarvan took his hand back, this was just in case. The move surely caught Xin Zhao’s attention because he turned his face in his direction, such a soft expression.

« Ah… »

_Hello beautiful…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT  
> now jarvan has a choice


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!  
> oof, it was a long time since last update, now we'll resume the slow burn xD
> 
> thanks for reading!

_Oh… He’s here…_

Everything was a little fuzzy, surely because Xin Zhao barely woke up and he was really struggling with his sleep during the day. It wasn’t completely dark in there, a candle was lit and just next to it was seated King Jarvan. Xin Zhao still got to get used to the source of light in here but otherwise it was rather alright, no way to say waking up was killing his sleep schedule as it was non-existant.

And now he got some visit, from the King among anyone else. Such an honor. King Jarvan stood and got closer to his bed, a kind expression over his face that the stark shadows couldn’t completely conceal.

« Good evening, my friend. My apologies, I didn’t mean to wake you up. » Always so nice and warm tone, soothing.

Xin Zhao’s first reflex was to bow, at least only his head as it was the most basic reflex of any guard or Demacian subject in the palace. Respect was due. Despite everything happening, he was glad to see his king and yet slightly afraid. Some difficult talk was coming.

« No need to apologize, my lord, please. I…I should be the one apologizing now. I’m sorry, for everything. » Better address it before it was too late.

It had to be done, Xin Zhao was aware that he had caused such a fuss for nothing and potentially a lot more issues than what they already had to deal with after a battle. No one needed to treat the injury of a guard having failed to go to the healers in time. So he was sorry for being a burden even for a short time.

« No. You do not have to apologize, especially for this. But I want to know, did you know you were wounded ? Is that the reason you are sorry ? »

There it was, fear. Of course King Jarvan would pinpoit the exact issue, probably he already knew the answer. Xin Zhao regretted everything in that instant, had he taken better care of himself, they would all be better off. One mistake and he had bothered everyone. After being barely awake and out of coma, he couldn’t remain as composed as every day. Now it would break.

« I-I simply couldn’t find the right moment to bring it up. This is my duty, I have to remain by your side. I can’t risk it. » His own truth. It couldn’t justify everything but at least there were reasons for his choice or rather to say, his inaction.

King Jarvan wasn’t happy anymore. From kindness to serious, it was a little scary to see from Xin Zhao’s point of view because he knew this was meant to happen. He had failed and had he been in the arenas, he might have died that day. _Please… I never meant wrong…_ It was his duty after all, he had to follow it.

That reaction was horrible for Xin Zhao because it was from the person he respected most. He never wanted to disappoint and to cause any troubles and yet his king was angry at him. Expected but painful nonetheless.

Xin Zhao almost freaked out when the latter got even closer to him, facing him so there was no way to avoid his gaze.

« Your duty is to protect me, you will not protect me if you die from an untreated injury. It isn’t even about you failing me, it is about your own safety and well-being. I am lucky as you are that this wound could be treated in time but I will not tolerate anything of the sort again. You have to stay alive, if not for me, at least for yourself and Demacia. »

Speechless. What else could he say ? This struck deep and Xin Zhao was in no condition to take it without flinching. His truths sent back to him. He had failed. However that wasn’t King Jarvan’s main point, he didn’t emphasize on the consequences for everyone else. No, he focused on Xin Zhao’s health. Such worry would have been sweet and faintly flustering if it were in different circumstances. Right now he couldn’t think about that, too shocked to hear that cold tone directed to him. He deserved that but it stung so much. With everything going on Xin Zhao got suddenly worried he might break down after this. _Failure…_

Why did his heart ached that much ?

It must have showed on his face because King Jarvan’s stance softened, making the smallest contact as to soothe the harm : « Please, understand me. I resent having to do this but you need to know that your life is precious. I know you are doing your best and I am grateful to have you by my side but you cannot blame me for being worried after I have seen you fall. » He paused shortly before adding in a sort of whisper : « Stay alive, for me. I refuse to lose you. »

How dear, how kind, how wonderful to hear but Xin Zhao couldn’t shake off this previous fear. He struggled to understand that latest announce to him. _Precious… ?_ His life had no purpose except to protect the King. It maybe was precious as a resource for Demacia but it couldn’t be in the literal meaning. However King Jarvan seemed so genuine about that. To refuse to lose him seemed far too personal from a king about a mere guard at his service. It reminded him of their conversations before, when he had become a dear friend.

This was too much.

It seemed that this had been bothering King Jarvan for a while, for good reasons because he was there when he had fallen. Now that he had said it, he looked a bit less worried, that warm smile coming back although quite reserved.

« I apologize, I should have waited a better time to have this conversation but sadly my own duty only allows me to come here at the end of the day. Now I will let you rest, you need it. »

Far too overwhelmed for the moment, Xin Zhao could only bow slightly, unable to trust his own voice. A bit disrespectful but he couldn’t bring himself to risk being weak in front of the King. A shaky nod, that was all.

« Take care, my friend… »

With these words, King Jarvan patted gently his shoulder as a comforting gesture. Then he stepped away, giving a last kind gaze to him before he left.

_My lord…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nah, be ready for more pining and idiots in love :p


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!!  
> Let's make them pin after each other xD  
> Btw! I don't remember if I had posted the link or not but here is the xin/j3 art piece I commissioned from @ViktorMaru on twitter! https://twitter.com/niceswordboots/status/1293184768117370881
> 
> thanks for reading!

_I could have done better_.

Fleeting thought but it wouldn’t change how events happened now it was already over. However Jarvan felt a little guilty for the way he certainly forced that conversation on his protegee. It was long gone but even next day he was thinking about it.

_He looked so scared…_

For a man used to hide everything behind dutiful facade, this had been quite intense. Jarvan couldn’t shake that feeling off, despite the importance of the conversation it had also inflicted some pain. But it had to be done, for Xin Zhao’s sake. He needed to know his life was precious and not worth losing in a battlefield. Yes duty was important but it could also mean that he had to stay alive to protect the King. Death wasn’t an option.

_I don’t want to lose him_. That was the most important message. From the start Jarvan valued his life because he was royal guard and then later a very good friend that he started to love. No way to ignore how his new feelings were involved. He had already lost his wife, he refused to lose his closest friend.

So yes this conversation was rough but it was needed. As long as the message was understood, which Jarvan was pretty convinced. Before anything Xin Zhao was serious, he knew what was important to follow, especially when it came from the King. Jarvan could be rather positive that he was going to pay more attention to his potential wounds while himself would also keep an eye on his favorite guard’s health.

_Hmm_. In previous times Jarvan wouldn’t have thought twice about that but he also felt a little guilty to treat the latter like this. Was he truly to blame for feelings ? It was no one’s fault, it just happened and yet he felt a bit strange for having such preference for one man among many Demacian.

Barely the beginning and already he felt that this wouldn’t go away so easily. Did he even want these feelings gone ? In all honesty, Jarvan didn’t want to unless it was a real bother for Xin Zhao. It had no reason nor use to be here but he would cherish it in silence. What a wonderful thing to feel. Just like with his late wife, Jarvan found great happiness in seeing his protegee and he felt like his younger self falling in love again.

If only.

~

Jarvan didn’t know how right he was on that topic. He was indeed faling in love again and every single detail showed how deep he had gotten over time. Visit after visit, day after day, it only got ‘worse’.

That first night after Xin Zhao had woken up, it had been rather easy because their serious conversation had distracted him from his longing. After that and every single time he paid Xin Zhao a visit, he could only realize his ridiculous situation. He was really attracted to him, in several ways. Jarvan wanted so many things, to stay by his side all day, to have another one of these blessed evenings in the library with some alcohold and good topics to discuss, to come closer to give his affection. It was unfair because he couldn’t do any of it.

He simply sat on that only chair of Xin Zhao’s temporary bedroom, staying for as long as he could to chat a little more and make sure he was treated right. Of course he was, a royal guard deserved a good treatment but Jarvan wanted to make his recovery short and good. And then his feelings got in the way.

The latter wasn’t always awake when he visited, one time he even didn’t wake up until Jarvan had left to end his one day. It didn’t matter, to be in Xin Zhao’s presence was enough. He knew he was safe and healthy, all that he asked in this world.

Love came in many details that at first Jarvan wouldn’t have thought about until his full attention was on him. Sometimes he simply wished to caress Xin Zhao’s hair. It was beautiful, so dark and silky. If only he were allowed merely to brush his hair. However, as silly as it may sound, Jarvan found this far too intimate to ask because first as king he wasn’t supposed to be that close to anyone and second it felt too revealing of his affection. Xin Zhao would maybe accept but only by duty since it required him to obey.

He was in love, there was nothing he could do against that but it didn’t mean he had to abuse of his power to get what he wanted. It was both unethical and awful.

Instead Jarvan endured this longing, seeing the man he loved recover day by day. There was nothing innocent enough to offer or take so it left him wanting. The only thing he found was to bring Xin Zhao his weapon since it could possibly give him some comfort and peace of mind. He had bet a bit on that and the results were quite good. The ‘gift’ was accepted and for all that evening Xin Zhao had looked so glad, it was very nice to see.

That was all Jarvan could ask, to see him happy and healthy. But would he last forever like this ?

Often he wondered about the potential of these feelings. Could it even become something else ? For that would need Xin Zhao to return it and that wasn’t sure at all. He never seemed to have any kind of romantic relationship or at least it never came out in their late night conversations. Such a private man, so loyal that he seemed to only care about the King and his duty. Sadly, this wasn’t the same care that Jarvan would wish for. In the most perfect world, this was mutual and they would enjoy it together.

Sadly there were so many obstacles. Between possible lack of feelings, duty too powerful or the clear barrier between king and subjects. Almost a holy figure. It didn’t take in count also the fact that Jarvan was widowed and meant to remain like it until his very end. He had an heir, no need for another alliance and marriage. A ‘mere’ soldier at his service would be so undeserving from the people’s point of view.

All this was in the possibility that he was loved back. Even that Jarvan couldn’t be sure. He wanted to ask but was it worth it ? He didn’t want to lose his most loved friend on some badly calculated move.

For now he would wait, not convinced that this was going to fade away with time. No, it would only get stronger but did he truly have the choice ? There was nothing he could do except visit Xin Zhao until he was back to full healthy.

After that, Jarvan would see how long it would take before he broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmmmmmmmmmh this gonna be a good tango of "oh gods he's cute" and "oh gods i shouldn't feel/think that"


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> ahah, let's get some feels~
> 
> thanks for reading!!

_When will they let me go ?_

This was already far too long for Xin Zhao’s taste, his duty called for him but he couldn’t answer yet. All that because of a stupid injury and zeal to stay by his King’s side. Now for sure he wasn’t going to forget, the consequences were quite strong.

Time stretched and he felt like he had been there forever and the battle years ago. Maybe not to that point but since his waking there hadn’t been much happening around. They kept him there, safe until he had fully recovered. The healers were nice to him, a few ones understood his sense of duty and the need to stand again and protect the King. However, it was the same King that ordered them to make sure Xin Zhao wouldn’t be able to sneak out and resume his routine before his injury was fully healed. How did he know ? Because he had asked when he would be free to leave and they gave that answer.

To say it was frustrating would be an understatement. However Xin Zhao accepted that, he was to stay here for a while, to purposely disobey was the least thing he would do in this world, especially as it went against King Jarvan’s decision.

He was allowed to feel about it, sighing. Days were so long, he had nothing to do except get some fresh air outside with someone keeping an eye on him. Did they truly expect him to try to escape ? Where would he even go ? Again everyone here followed orders and Xin Zhao knew very well that if he was asked to keep someone under supervision he would do it without questions.

His only comfort here was his spear. King Jarvan had been so kind to give it back to him and the meaning behind made Xin Zhao feel again. It had never left but he still couldn’t identify this accurately. What he knew was the gentleness of each visit late at night. The King could only visit him quite late once he was free of his own responsibilities and every single time he apologized for being that late. Xin Zhao always said that there was nothing to apologize for, it was already such an honor to be paid a royal visit.

_He comes for me…_

Again that feeling. No way to lie, it made Xin Zhao feel better. He was indeed quite lonely here, no matter how often healers and sometimes royal guards would stop by. The latest had come for him on rare occasions to keep him updated about any necessary topic. Secretly he wondered if that was King Jarvan’s idea too because he could know that Xin Zhao felt left out of the palace’s life. He remained a soldier after all, even during recovery he had a mission. So a few times he was paid a quick visit by few of his fellow royal guards. Strictly professionnal of course, except for a few questions to check on him. However all these visits were quite rare and most of time Xin Zhao was left alone with his thoughts.

If only time could go faster, enough to already be in the evening. This was his favorite time, King Jarvan would come and they would chat for a while. It was rather amusing to see that their usual evenings in the library had merely moved to a new place. The only difference was the absence of alcohol because his King didn’t want to risk anything.

Even without a drink, Xin Zhao enjoyed these times. He could hear about the Prince’s latest success, any news from the palace or more serious politic issues. Anything that made him feel like he wasn’t missing out. Plus it was just as nice as ever to be with King Jarvan, only the two of them. It felt safe, like home.

A few times Xin Zhao remembered that first night and visit. It had been quite intense and even now he couldn’t forget how he had cried afterward. So rough to hear and to realize. All he wanted was to follow his duty and to protect his King, to be forced to face his own failure to do it had stung a lot. Beyond that, it was such deep care for him. King Jarvan had even apologized on the following visit, obviously feeling a bit bad for such outburst. Again, neither wanted to inflict harm, this was the result of frustration and care. Everyone had reasons. Now he started to feel more and more, during each visit. His life had value, he had to stay alive to protect the King but before anything, the King wanted to keep him alive and close. To realize that was the best thing that could happen to him.

Every time he saw King Jarvan he wanted to tell how he wouldn’t even think about leaving, that he would always remain by his side for the best and the worst. Not just by duty. That was the most important, Xin Zhao was already there by duty but as time went, he realized there was more. He wanted to stay there, by his King’s side. This was really confusing to figure out but slowly he was getting closer to a real answer.

This was where his heart belong. By King Jarvan’s side. But was it truly loyalty ?

Little by little he started to doubt it. Loyalty could be powerful, just as much as duty but Xin Zhao felt it was deeper than that. Every time he saw the latter and the feeling got stronger. It had been there for so long, this was why he had first mistaken it for his loyalty. This was would never change. But at some point it was too much. Loyalty wasn’t supposed to make him feel that strongly. In a different situation it could have been love.

Could it be ?

Xin Zhao’s first reflex was to completely shut down this possibility. He wasn’t allowed to, no one was allowed to. However, he knew something was wrong because he wasn’t supposed to feel so much. How could he be so affected by one single person’s opinion ? Because it was the only one that mattered.

He had already given his blood for his King, giving his heart seemed natural. The truest thing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soon...


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> mmmmmmmmmmmmh feels
> 
> thanks for reading!

_At last he’s free._

This use of word was correct because Jarvan knew how hard it had been on his protegee to stay still in a single place for so long. This day was Xin Zhao’s return to his duty, surely it would be celebrated at the royal protectors quarters but not something the king was allowed to attend. Anyway, surely Xin Zhao wouldn’t even want to get a small celebration for merely being able to stand and to carry on his mission like any other soldier did all this time. Yes, he was harsh on himself but Jarvan always tried to calm this tendency to self-punishment.

As paradoxical as it could sound, this was going to do so much good for Xin Zhao. This man had always been quite peculiar because it felt like he didn’t like to stay idle and to do nothing, as if there was always something to do, a reason to stay alert. Never caught his guard down. This was a quality and something really important for a royal guard but more often than not Jarvan got worried about him and his health. The whole thing about the fall after the battle didn’t help Xin Zhao’s case. Clearly he was neglecting himself in favor of the King.

_That won’t do_. Jarvan refused to let him go down this path, for everyone’s sake as pretext but most of all for Xin Zhao’s health. No need to come back on that topic, there was nothing new to add and hopefully the latter had learned his lesson after that difficult talk on the first night. Life would go on and Jarvan would keep an eye after him, just in case. Because now he had another reason to be worried about him.

Love wasn’t exactly getting out of control but day after day he happened to think about it frequently, about what it could become or not. Before Xin Zhao had fully recovered, it was completely established that every late evening – except on some rare exceptions – Jarvan would pay a visit, no matter how short or long. Almost a substitute to their nights at the library, minus alcohol and actual privacy. Surely this was for the best because had they met late at night like before, knowing his new feelings, Jarvan would have had some issues.

_No, not like that_.

He knew better than to make an unfortunate move, one that would put their friendship at risk. Losing Xin Zhao as friend wouldn’t be as awful as losing him in the battlefield but still, it wasn’t worth risking everything.

Thinking about their evenings at the library, this was about the resume because indeed Xin Zhao was back to duty this same day.

_When will be next time ?_

Good question. Despite his feelings, Jarvan wanted to see him and to have this precious time together, to keep helping Xin Zhao with his learning and to chat about nothing. All he wanted was his presence and so yes he was madly in love because it was rare to long merely for someone’s company. If things came back to its initial point before the battle, they might meet at the library soon, in a few weeks at max. Nothing to worry about but Jarvan would ask him to confirm just in case. Who knew ? Everyone could change their mind.

The other thing Jarvan was looking for was the next time they would see each other in person, as in outside of Xin Zhao’s former room where he had recovered. Just like before, they would meet very often, sometimes spend quite a long time in each other’s company among everyone else at the palace. This was life at the court, the King was almost never alone.

_I hope I will see him soon._

Such good news to know his protegee was back on duty, at last he was going to stop feeling guilty about doing nothing. Jarvan wished him the best, he knew how much this represented for Xin Zhao to be useful. Of course it wasn’t so healthy to feel one’s worth was only tied to being useful but the lesson had been given, surely he was going to take that into consideration. Or Jarvan was going to remind him from time to time that his life was precious. As awfully affectionate as it may sound. Really, since he had realized this feelings he wasn’t done discovering how deep he was in. The King shouldn’t be so happy about the return of one specific guard, no matter how close they were and what kind of friendship they had.

There was nothing to find here and yet he still wondered quietly.

~

This first day had been a success, at least that was what Jarvan had heard. Xin Zhao had peacefully returned to his duty without any issue.

A few times during the day he had managed to see him, between feel meetings and royal tasks. There wasn’t a lot of free time for the King of Demacia and so he barely had the time to properly greet his protegee.

If at first he had been a little tempted to summon Xin Zhao to talk in private, Jarvan had decided otherwise because the latter had a lot to do and this would only stress him out for nothing. Better wait a little and all would happen in due time.

Otherwise, Jarvan knew he wasn’t helped at all with these feelings. It was hard to keep everything down when a mere glance to Xin Zhao was enough to make him smile, which he stopped before it could show. Nothing to be seen. It hurt to hold everything back when he had been so used not to hide his affection when the Queen was still alive. Of course, nothing too extravagant because the court could be quite strict but it was a whole new thing to have to conceal everything. Also the fact that it wasn’t even established either. It would require a talk, one that Jarvan wanted to have every time he saw him and yet he never dared to.

Waiting wasn’t going to change anything, except to the strength of these feelings. Love was building up little by little, nothing could stop it.

Was it such a bad idea to ask Xin Zhao ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xD  
> i think i'll update this one a bit more often cuz the feels are nearly complete AND I WANT THEM TO KISS


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello  
> welp, i just saw that i should have updated something else earlier  
> anyway, enjoy!
> 
> thanks for reading!

And so came the return to duty.

Time had passed since then but Xin Zhao was still as glad to at last be useful. Back among the royal guard and the life at the palace in general. Life could resume.

Aside from that, he was mostly happy to be able to see King Jarvan. It was a bit sad because they were busy in their own ways but very often Xin Zhao was the one assigned to protect the King, following closely as the day went. It had good sides.

What he hadn’t been expecting were these feelings. Of course it was still a bit confused but he wasn’t wrong, it was going in a certain direction. He couldn’t ignore his heart anymore when at last he was ordered to follow King Jarvan. Was it him or did every single time the latter seemed happy to find him ? This was a silly question because they were friends, the King was allowed to be glad to see a friend indeed. Then why did it make him feel like this ? Soft fluster that he had to conceal as quick, which was easy because his whole duty was to hide whatever he might think or feel. In his mind, it was chaos.

This wasn’t loyalty. Or at least, his loyalty would come from these feelings and his duty as guard.

Loyalty wasn’t supposed to make one long to come closer. Why did it struck only now ? Xin Zhao was so confused, affected by so many things. First it was unfair to realize something so personal that involved someone else, especially the King and second it would soon become difficult to hide. On rare occasions when they were only the two of them he had come close to break. And yet he had to remind himself every time that no one could ever dare to think about King Jarvan in such improper way. Loyalty was welcome, devotion too but love no. Not this kind of love.

Because it was love.

It tore his heart apart to admit it and it made him wish at night that it was simply gone in the morning. Why did he have to endure that ? Love was sweet when it was mutual but he was a chained man unable to reach what he secretly wanted. Did his wants ever mattered here ? No one would grant him a wish, he was a royal guard and he had sworn to be at the service of the royal family. Nothing else. Some would do anything to be as close to the King.

Days went one by one but it wasn’t leaving. It blossomed when Xin Zhao just wanted to be left at peace. Why couldn’t he be happy with what they already had ? Such privilege, why be so ungrateful ? Deeply he was glad for all he had but it felt like it would never be enough because he wasn’t allowed the ultimate thing, to love King Jarvan. Someone he respected so much that he had asked to enter his service, someone that had saved him in more than one way.

Someone he would be ready to die for.

Was it so selfish to want attention ? Mere thoughts but Xin Zhao always chastised himself for even thinking about it. It wasn’t correct, only noble blood could think about deserving the King. Anyway it was too late, already married and already widowed. At the occasion it gave once such a dark thought but he had pushed it away, resolute not to fall that low.

What else could he do ? Carry on his life, it was all he could hope to have. A humble and quiet life by King Jarvan’s side, the most blessed thing he could reasonably ask for.

The question was if it would be enough for him. Sometimes one’s desire was to be able to openly love, even in privacy. At least he could lie to himself and say he was perfectly fine with how things were.

~

Their nights were still one of Xin Zhao’s guilty pleasures. He didn’t have many, duty was harsh and in any case he didn’t have much need for anything. All he could ask for was this kind of long evening in the library, sipping some good liquor after resuming his learning.

Late indeed but he didn’t mind, this was the closest to relaxation he would ever get. King Jarvan was just there, facing him as they were sitting in that quiet place. Like so many times before he was the one talking since Xin Zhao wasn’t so used to that, he preferred to listen.

In moments like these, the strength of his feelings struck once more. There was nothing to do against that, he could merely look at his king and wonder if there were a time he wouldn’t have fallen for him. It hurt a little, a touch of bitterness against himself for the outrage of entertaining that kind of thoughts. No doubt he wasn’t the first subject to love the King to that point.

_Don’t think about that._ It would show on his face if he wasn’t careful, alcohol wasn’t making him stupid but it could slow his reflexes. However it was understandable, King Jarvan always looked so happy and human in that particular time. Not that he wasn’t during the day but certain privacy had a clear effect and it made Xin Zhao so weak to see the change. As far as he knew, only him could witness that.

Maybe he should have paid more attention because soon enough silence settled while King Jarvan gazed at him fondly. Yes, this was the only right word because it made Xin Zhao feel warm to be looked at in such way. Far from the steel look from the King of Demacia. Just a man now, with his limits and emotions. However, was that really friendly ?

_Stop that_. He had to focus, surely he hadn’t paid enough attention to what was said and now the latter noticed.

« Yes my lord ? » A bit shy because he knew he had failed for a few seconds, unable to remember exactly what was said.

« You seem distracted tonight, my friend. Would you rather we finish earlier so you can rest ? » Said all so kindly, along the nice touch of alcohol.

« My apologies, it wasn’t my intention. Please no, I don’t require more rest, my recovery was more than enough for the whole year. »

« It’s not your fault, you know it. Also everyone deserves to rest, you shouldn’t wait to collapse from lack of sleep to earn it. This counts too in taking care of yourself. » Once more it didn’t even sound like a remark, obviously King Jarvan knew he wasn’t revealing anything new.

« I am aware and worry not, I find proper sleep to accomplish my duty. Please, could you repeat what you were saying before ? »

The smallest distraction possible. Slowly but certainly Xin Zhao could register these feelings lurking nearby, far too glad to be right there. Now that he was aware of it he felt like it was going wild, imagining new things and going ahead. He had no use for this as nothing would happen but it left him more than worried about his own risks.

King Jarvan didn’t speak so soon, taking a sip of his glass before he laid a kind gaze over his protegee.

« This is a new question a bit personal and I won’t hold it against you if you don’t want to answer it. I simply wondered if you have a person you hold dear because you’re so quiet and hard working, I don’t even know how you live your life. »

What a shock, it must have showed on Xin Zhao’s face for a good second before he shut that down as quick. _Oh no_. What did the latter mean with « a person he held dear » ? Part of him wanted to play a little innocent and to dodge that question with another truth.

« My lord, I apologize but there is strictly nothing to find here, my life is at the palace and to be truthful, I don’t need anything else. Like for so many of us here you are the person I hold dear, as it should be. »

To keep his tone even had been so difficult but he made it. Saying that allowed must have cost him a lot because Xin Zhao felt bad afterward, in another context it would be true too but less innocent.

« Don’t apologize for my own shameless curiosity, I shouldn’t even meddle in your private life. I hope you don’t feel caged in the palace, being a royal guard is a commitment but you should be allowed to live outside of the court, even for a few hours. »

The question was successfully avoided, he could relax a little but had to stay focused just in case. Aside, Xin Zhao was touched to hear such care. It was only natural but it was nice to know that if he wanted he could go. However his duty was too strong and for the time it was over, he longed to remain by King Jarvan’s side.

« No need to worry about that, I am exactly where I want to be. »

The answer was a smile, the most beautiful thing he could be given. And yet another step closer to Xin Zhao’s despair. Why did he had to have feelings if it was to bloom and wither in silence ?

If only he was even allowed to dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3  
> if i can do it, confession is REALLy soon


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_He’s really making it difficult not to love him._

Personal thought that would never be shared aloud, the King’s privacy. Even a few days after their first night in a while, Jarvan was left wondering. Time would go on and his feelings remained, getting stronger by the day. There would be no end to this and it felt a little desperate when he thought about it.

Xin Zhao behaved like himself, this would never change. Always discreet by his side but present like every guard was taught. Never to intrude but there to protect if needed. Difficult for Jarvan to deny how peaceful he felt when his protegee was the one assigned to follow him. Even in the most boring or serious meetings he knew he had someone close in every meaning of the term.

_I don’t know._

Could there be anything for them ?

Jarvan wanted to ask, at least to know if in this world there was a possibility to find love again. In itself, he had already found it but it would have no meaning if it weren’t returned. He wished to offer his affection to Xin Zhao, even in faint ways as he could refuse to share it openly. All this was in the mere hypothesis that he would say yes. Would he ?

That question was too important, it could either cause a lot of damage to their relationship or help it go further. Or nothing would happen if Xin Zhao wanted things to say as it was already. It would be far better than seeing him turn his back on Jarvan from repulsion. _No, he wouldn’t_. Such a drastic change of behavior would be unlikely but indeed he couldn’t plan or know what his dearest friend thought about him.

Sometimes it felt like there was something, first just because they actually spent nights together in a secluded area of the palace to drink, chat and enjoy peace. The only time he could see Xin Zhao relax a little bit, which wasn’t a lot but good nonetheless. This man had a lot of responsibilities to bear and yet kept going without a single sign of exhaustion. And yet during these evenings he showed a bit more, talked a little and answered a few question. The kind of time when Jarvan found him gorgeous, barely the light of candles to show his attentive face.

His biggest fear was indeed to lose everything they had by a stupid mistake. At worst he would cause Xin Zhao to feel uncomfortable, which was legitimate because there was big difference of status. He could leave his service and go. _Please, no_. Jarvan would hate to see that happen so it made him anxious.

Was it truly worth it ? Would he risk all they had for a small chance at love ?

~

One day it became too much.

This was the direct day following a rather tense night, yet another spent at the library. Tense for Jarvan because this time he had been that close to make a bad move, alcohol slowly but surely getting to him. It still gave him a few memories of the night like the time Xin Zhao looked a bit distracted and it urged him to caress his face gently. Had he been completely drunk, he would have made a terrible mistake. Hopefully it didn’t happen and he got enough mind to keep his hands for himself, resolute.

The very next day, Jarvan decided to ask.

It was too late to go back on his decision, he had asked a guard to call for Xin Zhao during the morning. Maybe yes he still had a chance to escape that by finding another pretext for summoning him here but Jarvan had to face that sooner or later.

_This feels like an awful idea_. However he would gather some courage for it. Who knew ?

It didn’t take so long before indeed there was a knock to the wooden door, surely announcing his dear friend. Jarvan had a bit insisted on the fact that it would remain private so any other guard on duty would leave. Xin Zhao came into this study, closing the door behind him before he bowed seriously.

« My lord, you have called for me ? »

Right then it struck him once more to find the man he loved, the softest of feelings. It was still rather early in the day and they hadn’t seen each other yet.

« Yes indeed. Please come in, there is something I would want to talk about. »

Xin Zhao’s stance and expression betrayed nothing of his possible thoughts, only professional duty. As quick he stepped further in the room although he didn’t sit on any of the chairs there. Always the same reflex of guard.

« I am listening, my lord. »

« This is quite private so I trust you not to tell anyone ever. Is that clear ? »

« Of course, I would never betray your trust, my lord. Whatever will be said here, I’ll take it to my grave. »

A nice show of trust indeed and Jarvan knew that he would never dare to reveal anything. For someone that clung to respect and duty like this, it was impossible. It reassured him a little but this wasn’t a guaranty that his question and the answers that followed would be taken well. Anxiety seized him again and so he turned his back to Xin Zhao, coming close to one of the windows to look outside.

« Thank you, my friend. What I will tell you isn’t exactly sensitive information that could cause issues but it is personal to me and I hope you will be the only one to know about it. »

There was no clear answer but he was sure Xin Zhao had heard well and nodded.

So it was time. Jarvan panicked a bit in his mind as he hadn’t eactly thought about what he would say. He knew what he had to express but not how. Before there could be an odd silence he took a deep breath and spoke not so loudly.

« I have feelings for someone. Love. »

This was extremely clumsy and Jarvan berated himself for that. He who was so used to speeches couldn’t even get to his point. Instead he was left there in silent struggle. As long as Xin Zhao didn’t sense it, not saying a word for now. Surely he would let Jarvan speak before anything.

_Go on._

« I love someone but I have no idea how to take care of that. What should I do. » Now he came to think that he should have talked about it during their evenings, maybe alcohol would have made it better.

« Who are they, if I may ask ? »

It was a bit surprising to hear Xin Zhao dare to speak up when usually he was more of the quiet type. Now this sounded like a mess, Jarvan didn’t know how to explain that these feelings were for him.

« Not of noble blood nor the kind that would be deemed worthy by the court. However love is rarely easy. »

« This is what you wished to tell me, my lord ? That you have fallen in love ? » There was something in the tone, something strange, almost foreign.

« Indeed. »

« Why me ? I can’t see any reason for you to tell me this kind of information, this has nothing to do with me at all. »

And now it turned harsh. Jarvan doubted everything, first he wasn’t getting his point across and now he was actually making Xin Zhao either angry or upset. Unable to take more, he turned away from the window to face his loved friend, meeting his gaze. What he found there hurt, for once emotions bubbled up to the surface, breaking the serious composure.

« This has everything to do with you because you’re the one I have fallen for. »

_It’s said._ Now Jarvan would know if he was wrong or not. His heart threatened to give out, every second since these final words hurt him a bit more. Right before him, he saw Xin Zhao’s reaction happen in real time, from a form of hurt to surprise. So much to be seen.

« …Me ? » So unsure, it even showed in his tone.

« You, my most loved friend. » Love spilled a little in his tone but Jarvan couldn’t get his hopes up, this wasn’t over. « Please, do not think you are forced into anything. Your friendship is the greatest gift I have been given. »

This instant was quite special because Jarvan could almost think there was indeed something for them but at the same time nothing was said and now Xin Zhao stared at him in clear disbelief.

« You love me… ? »

« Yes I do. »

Maybe this time it would get a reaction. Although it nearly broke his heart because Xin Zhao had never expressed as much, his face was open book. Pain and hope, could that be ?

Before Jarvan could say more, the latter kneeled, facing the floor as his spear was left on it in a swift move.

« My apologies but I cannot accept it. Please my lord, I am not worthy… »

This part was to be expected and it still took Jarvan by surprise. But if it was taken this way, it had to be good ?

« This is not a question of being worthy of love or not, Xin. Please, be truthful, this is all I ask. Are my feelings unwelcome ? Unrequited ? » It stung to imagine and to say but some things had to be clear.

It even hurt to see the man he loved kneel like this, as if he was avoiding the truth. Jarvan didn’t want anything tainted by power imbalance, nothing about their status even as friends.

« I… I cannot answer this, my lord. »

« Xin, is it too painful to answer ? I want to know if there was even a small chance for us but if you have never seen me this way, I won’t force you. Only the truth, please… » In return Jarvan kneeled too, joining his level.

The most he dared to do was to reach for Xin Zhao’s hand, hoping this would convey a bit his love and acceptance. Jarvan wasn’t going to have him stand his gaze, it was plainly cruel.

« Your…feelings aren’t unwelcome. I am thankful for them and I return it… »

_Oh the gods be blessed_. Unless he had misunderstood, Xin Zhao felt the same way than him.

« So it is clear that we love each other, isn’t it ? Please, correct me, I would hate to misunderstand your feelings. »

This time Xin Zhao merely nodded. Love could blossom, it was requited. Jarvan was growing helpless, for all this time worrying he might lose his closest friend, now he learned it was mutual. Unable to wait more, he gently coaxed Xin Zhao to look at him.

« Please, look at me dear… »

Good news, the latter did look up but not without obvious reluctance. He was blushing and it only made Jarvan fall further in love with him. _Lovely…_ If only this wasn’t caused by fluster and possibly fear. He couldn’t help it, he kept caressing Xin Zhao’s cheek with his thumb, glad to be able to do the chastest gesture of love.

« What are you afraid of ? There is nothing to fear unless you are not telling me something. »

Slowly he saw and felt Xin Zhao cover his hand over his face, grabbing his wrist in a potential move to make him stop and yet he didn’t nothing of it.

« You have said it yourself, I am not worthy… I… I am not noble or anything close. »

_Ah_. Indeed, bad choice of words even though Jarvan didn’t mean that it was his own opinion. Of course it would bother Xin Zhao.

« Please, I do not share this opinion. Nearly losing you in the battlefield made me realize that, I love you so much and I refuse to risk it again. Being noble or not changes nothing. »

Who was more helpless between the two ? Maybe Xin Zhao because he wasn’t composed in any way, now staring at him in soft emotion.

After a while, he leaned so shyly against Jarvan’s hand, betraying a lot of vulnerability. « Thank you… »

« Xin, will you let me love you… ? »

The urge to kiss had never been stronger, it had to happen. However Jarvan waited for the answer.

« Yes please… » The sweetest murmur.

« Good… Please, stand. »

Soft order that was still met in a hurry, always quick to follow. It certainly warmed Jarvan’s heart to see such enthusiasm to come that close. As soon as they were both back to their feet, he held Xin Zhao in his arms, just enough to relish contact before he looked for a kiss.

Accepted gladly. How could something feel so right and good ? He couldn’t remember a time he had been so at peace with himself. The latter seemed a bit conflicted about whether holding him too or not but it didn’t matter, Jarvan kept him right there in their embrace, sighing of joy in this very first kiss. The most tender moment.

_Perfect…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at last!!  
> now this fic isn't over yet, i'll surely post a few more chapters until i open a new one for all the hot stuff xD  
> NOW, FLUFF TIME


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!  
> small update here!  
> also sorry, our dear pres had our country go into confinement again so i'll have to stay at home town for at least a month -__- i'll see if i can write more!
> 
> thanks for reading!

_We kissed…_

This was enough for a lifetime, Xin Zhao wouldn’t find peace before a very long time. Or maybe it was the opposite and at last he had found his perfectl place, in his King’s arms.

The day was far from over but it did leave him a bit positively troubled for the hours that followed, living again and again this specific moment. Nothing would have prepared him for a confession, or merely for requited feelings. From King Jarvan. Was this day a complete dream ? Had he fallen again and hurthis head in the process ? It felt too real and anyway, Xin Zhao deeply knew it was happening. His dreams never went that far.

Say it once more, maybe he would fully realize. _We love each other…_

It would take a lot of time to accept it but this was such a big high to live on, among everyone here he was the one loved by the King. Beyond the big honor, Xin Zhao was very flustered to be given love. It had been such a long time indeed. Was there even a time someone cared about him ? He was rather sure his parents did but he had been taken far too early to remember much this time of his life. Then it was Noxus and the arenas, the opposite of love and care.

In a way Demacia had done everything for him, especially King Jarvan. He had accepted his crazy request to enter his service, he had given him a place to be respected and treated right like every human being should be. And now Xin Zhao was offered his heart. To give his heart in return was the most genuine act he had ever done after putting himself to the service of the King.

So unrealistic and yet it was true.

Xin Zhao remembered these first kisses, as if it were engraved in his skin. The way he was taken closer, feeling King Jarvan’s arms around his waist. To receive affection even though he still believed he had no right to experience that. The King was the most important person of Demacia and Xin Zhao was a mere royal protector. It was almost outrageous to think he could be allowed the same thing than the late Queen.

_No it’s… dishonorable_.

On the other side, refusing would be bad. King Jarvan had already explained it softly after their early affection, this could be enjoyable only if both wanted it. Xin Zhao did want it but his first reflex would be to supress whatever he wished for it didn’t matter. The latter wanted to be sure this was mutual and understood. That he saw him as equal at least for this relationship and their status shouldn’t meddle in that. Of course King Jarvan knew that he couldn’t change the way Xin Zhao saw himself and his sense of purpose, at least not so fast. It would take time, like everything else.

Could he just focus on the bright side ? This was a lot happier.

He tried to follow routine the best he could but there was this new feeling every time he had to follow and protect the King. As soon as he announced himself and went by his side, King Jarvan would either smile at him or initiate faint contact depending on the setting. Never any kind of contact if there was a single soul nearby. A good thing because Xin Zhao struggled to keep everything down, usually it was fine but during the specific moment, he had broken a little and showed what he felt. _I should do better_. Always discipline, it never ended. They would look at each other and as quick he would feel the need to avert his gaze for a while. How immature of him.

This was love, barely starting.

It had a very special taste to know that all that he felt was returned, to the point that King Jarvan had felt the need to confess and even feared to be rejected. How could that even be true ? _It is_. He had to realize but it was true.

Xin Zhao was in this peculiar fluster from new love, a bit anxious about what they could be or share while also lowly yearning to share more. Just a kiss, just a short embrace, just a fond gaze. He knew that would happen at some point and so he would need to be patient.

_How will this go on our evenings ?_

Good question. Indeed, this was going to be quite special since it was their only regular private time. Now it could take a whole new meaning and Xin Zhao berated himself for daring to anticipate it. What could happen ? He felt so shameful for entertaining such thoughts even as it was established that they loved each other. It felt wrong but he wanted more. More than once it had crossed his mind that had they been more drunk it could have slipped a little. This sounded more like a fever dream but he had a few thoughts about it.

A long evening just the two of them, with no one nearby or just aware that they were here. Before it was priceless, now it was the sweetest of luxury and it hadn’t happened yet. _Soon_. Xin Zhao couldn’t help but feel impatient. King Jarvan was already quite open in his affection when they were alone during the day, how far could it go once they got in the most private place of the palace after the royal bedroom ?

It made him a bit dreamy. This day was so special, he didn’t know what to focus on and it wasn’t even over yet. Secretly he wished there would be one last kiss before he was to follow the night routine, a last moment of love to remind him that he wasn’t alone.

This was a specific kind of inner conflict because Xin Zhao wanted to share everything they could have but at the same time he had to come in term with that. One couldn’t settle so fast with such an honor. He had to be careful and also to deal with his low guilt. Maybe he did deserve to be loved by the King but that would require time too. He couldn’t stop caring just because he was asked to.

Gradual love, first shy and discreet but soon it would be allowed to bloom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soon more fluff~


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!  
> now i come to think we'll still have a lot of fluff xD be ready!!

_He’s distracted._

That was the least Jarvan would expect from his now lover, in no way they could fully pretend that nothing had happened. A day had already passed since the confession and it still felt like the purest beginning. A time to learn and to explore gently.

Xin Zhao was really private, not a surprise. Only Jarvan did detect a faint change in his behavior during the day, gazes lingering a bit too much but otherwise the latter was as serious as ever, very composed. No doubt this light change wasn’t even noticed.

Glances told so much.

More than once the urge to come closer had burned Jarvan viciously, having to keep himself in check since they weren’t in a safe setting. Maybe he would dare if they were only the two of them in a place like the study but otherwise he didn’t even try, this would just scare Xin Zhao. Because so far it was clear, his dear friend really wanted the same thing than him but feared for so many reasons, their different status, the risk to be caught, the outrage of loving the King like this. Jarvan completely understood him and so he did his best not to cause any issue. However that didn’t mean he would keep his hands for himself when they were safely alone. At least twice he had startled gently Xin Zhao with a short peck, not really thinking that it would surprise him but it turned out all so sweet.

It was fine, they could love each other freely.

Before anything, it also made Jarvan quietly long to have their privacy during their evenings. It hadn’t happened yet since the initial confession but he knew in advance that it would be really enjoyable to have. Even before he already loved these times, having Xin Zhao all for himself and now it would be true peace for them.

_Just the two of us…_

A dream. A mere step but it would be really sweet. All Jarvan had to do was to wait and be patient, nothing bad could happen now that he had confessed. The world couldn’t be better for them.

~

Door closed and now their privacy really started.

_Here we are._

For the latest days anticipation had really built up and now it came to an end. Xin Zhao was here, joining him after locking the door behind him. So far he hadn’t showed much but Jarvan knew better than suppose he didn’t care. This occasion was golden, the best they could share.

Difficult not to smile when at last his dear love faced him, a rather shy expression over his face. Could that be a start of blush ? So early ? Jarvan found that really endearing, as new as it could be to see so many emotions from Xin Zhao. Something so rare before and now he expressed a lot, a proof that he trusted him enough for that.

Xin Zhao never seemed fond of initiatives between, at least not for now so Jarvan was the one to reach for his hand, so pleased to feel it returned.

« Good evening, love. I must confess I have been waiting for this moment. »

Sudden urge, Jarvan took the latter’s hand and gave it a short peck, so glad to be able now to be open in his affection. Xin Zhao let him do and in return his composure left place to light fluster although still silent.

« …Good evening, my lord. I have been looking forward to this too. »

They didn’t even made their way to the table, first taking time to greet each other properly. A mere peck would never be enough to convey Jarvan’s full feelings so he took him close until he could hold Xin Zhao in his arms, feeling cold armor against him. Only then did he kiss him, going slowly to be sure this was wanted on both sides.

Of course it was. At first Xin Zhao didn’t do a lot and then he returned the embrace and the kiss, moving gently in that tender exchange. _He’s warming up…_ Jarvan was aware it would take time for them to enjoy themselves comfortably and he would never complain, to feel his lover even dare to chase more was very gratifying.

As to make his heart melt, Xin Zhao faintly followed after they parted, surely a reflex but it made Jarvan so in love to witness that kind of detail. Nothing could stop him from cradling Xin Zhao’s face and giving a happy gaze.

« My dear, you’re really making it difficult for me to stay still. Always so endearing… »

No answer came, at least not vocally. Instead Xin Zhao averted his gaze, the lightest shade of red coloring his cheeks in reaction. This wouldn’t happen outside of their privacy and Jarvan felt blessed to even be able to see that side of him.

He didn’t try to have Xin Zhao meet his gaze again, this would be a little cruel when obviously he wasn’t so at ease. To make it better Jarvan gently took him further in his arms, giving a good hug. Even the most simple thing felt like a treat, outside it would never be allowed openly. It felt like a victory when Jarvan felt him return the embrace in equal measures, face resting to his shoulder.

« Tell me love, is it alright ? Do you want me to go slower in our relationship ? I’m aware it’s difficult for you but I will do my best. » Just to be sure, it never hurt.

Their embrace went and then Jarvan noticed how the latter shyly held him closer, in a rather intimate way. That was a good sign in itself.

« I don’t mind at all, I really enjoy what we already have. Thank you my lord for everything. »

Maybe it wasn’t correct but it felt like Xin Zhao could speak more freely like this, when he knew he wasn’t observed.

« And let me thank you in return, I still cannot believe I have been blessed with you existence and love. Forgive me for being so sentimental but you are so precious to me. I will try to keep it down for you own comfort but I never stop longing for you, dear… »

Too honest probably but Jarvan liked being able to be so truthful, especially about his love. For fearing to be rejected, he hadn’t really thought about how life would be if indeed they loved each other. It felt like each day would bring another discovery, new thing to try.

« Please, don’t try to keep it down, I will always welcome any kind of affection… I will be forever thankful to be yours. »

Nothing could have topped that except a small gesture soon to be felt, a kiss over Jarvan’s neck.

_How precious…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more, more fluff!!


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> here comes some love~
> 
> thanks for reading!!

… _.It’s alright, relax._

Easy to say but Xin Zhao couldn’t switch so fast to his off-duty mode. It never ended, even in such a safe setting when they were alone in the library. Literally no one else came here except maybe domestics to clean up the place on occasions but otherwise it wasn’t used. Maybe they knew the King enjoyed his privacy here so they tried not to come by. Anyway there was nothing to do here except forget about the day by reading books and drinking alcohol.

Right now he was sitting not too far of King Jarvan, considering his glass of liquor while the latter told about his day. It could have almost felt like every other night in the library except since the latest time a mutual confession had taken place and everything took another meaning. It would never the same anymore and obviously his King wouldn’t let him forget, always keeping contact no matter what. Far from incorrect, it was something like a hand over his thigh or directly holding Xin Zhao’s hand when it was practical. On rare occasion King Jarvan gently tucked a wild strand behind his ear, genuinely happy to do so.

Why be so scared ?

Xin Zhao knew there was nothing dangerous going on, that no one would even think about coming here. Since they had first started these late meetings not once they had been bothered. Maybe this low fear was linked to their new relationship but again on that topic he was aware all was fine. However it always felt like he was doing something from, cheating destiny.

Silence settled and only now he noticed. _Ah_. Barely the time to look at the latter and now his face was carefully cradled, catching his attention.

« My lord… ? »

Far from drunk and yet alcohol was felt, making it lightly blurry. Now he met King Jarvan’s gaze and that pushed him further down this path of longing. How unfair for him, he felt so much and yet couldn’t bring himself to act on it. _Oh no…_ Xin Zhao knew he was blushing, no way it wasn’t happening.

« How are you doing, love ? You seem distracted… » Not drunk either but he did sound so free compared to that controlled composure and tone used all day. The King was allowed to put down the crown, even for a short time.

« My apologies, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful. Please continue. »

A good effort but it wasn’t enough. Since their chairs were close already King Jarvan reduced distance easily, brushing his face with a lot of tenderness.

« I was already done, please don’t apologize for this. Would you rather go for now and end our night ? Is it too much already ? »

Xin Zhao could tell he wanted to kiss him but didn’t for now, certainly to be sure it was accepted. However he couldn’t bring himself to take the initiative, frozen on his spot and merely able to lean slowly into contact. Even his heart betrayed the sudden tension, going fast.

« No, my lord, everything is fine. I am exactly where I want to be and this is the only time when we can be together, I won’t waste it. »

_I don’t know…_ He longed to be there and to return every single kind of attention he was given. So full of love and yet so scared to offer it.

« I can tell something is bothering you, would you tell me ? » Now his tone turned a little worried.

« I… I can’t initiate anything but please believe me, I’d accept anything from you. It just feels like I shouldn’t even think about it, about giving you affection. »

Looking at someone when you spoke to them was one of the first rules but right now Xin Zhao couldn’t do it, he looked down. Always the fear to disappoint, to fail, to be blamed.

« My dear love, I am sure you already know this but you’re very welcome to return affection. However I understand why you’d prefer not to initiate anything for now so I’ll do my best to meet you first. My only requirement is that you tell when you don’t want something, then I shall stop without questions. Is that clear ? »

Quick nod, this was exactly what Xin Zhao would need until he got out of that first scare.

« Yes, my lord. Thank you. »

_See ? No reason to be scared_. When he wasn’t overthinking about how he got blessed by the King’s love, he also realized how caring the latter was. It was almost unrealistic and yet King Jarvan always took care to communicate and solve whatever issue was at hand. Clearly he had some experience and merely by essence he was the kind to be careful, always asking to be sure. Xin Zhao felt loved even in this thoughtful behavior around him, it meant that the King wanted him to be at peace first before getting to affection.

That being said, he saw his King stand without further explanation, only to come and sit on his lap. oh. The suddenness of the move had Xin Zhao look back at him and there he found certain pride mixed with joy from the man actually sitting on his lap. All of it was still very chaste but it was such an unexpected move to have the King of Demacia do something that could be considered incorrect. However Xin Zhao hadn’t lied, he would gladly appreciate any initiative and this one counted too despite the dark blush he was now sporting in reaction.

« Oh. »

That same firm hand caressed his face, surely King Jarvan was relishing that moment because he smiled so fondly.

« So, tell me. Is this alright ? » By his tone, he seemed to guess the answer but would always ask to be safe.

« Y-Yes, my lord. »

Of course that would affect Xin Zhao, he had his lover and King sitting on his lap, looking quite happy to be there and satisfied by his reaction. _Oh gods…_

« I have a name, love. Could you say it please, without any titles ? »

That last request was too close. To use titles were one of the first reflexes caught here and Xin Zhao couldn’t let it go that easily, any Demacian subject knew the King was to be addressed as such. On the other side, he was specifically asked not to use it. Fighting himself for some composure, he obliged.

« Yes, Jarvan… »

_I said it…_

Was it truly the first time he ever used his name without any title ? As quick that peculiar shame struck him along the vicious fear to be disrespectful.

And now came the reward. Not even the time to fully appreciate the radiating joy of his King, now Xin Zhao was kissed with such eagerness that he lost it for a few seconds, moaning lightly into their exchange. _Ah…_ Arms around him, hungry mouth against his, how could he even doubt he was loved ? This was the truest for of affection, visceral need displayed in a kiss.

All this for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooops maybe not so slow~


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good evening, let's have some fluff!!
> 
> thanks for reading!

Such a sweet evening.

Oh Jarvan was proud of himself, everything had turned out quite well and now he could witness a lovely blush slowly coloring Xin Zhao’s cheek. His lover was always so beautiful, only expressions could make it better.

_My dear…_

To come and sit on his lap was indeed a rather bold move but he didn’t regret it in any way because it went well. The kiss that had followed proved it, Xin Zhao gave everything into it, not just a light moan. So expressive. By now the kiss was over but the aftereffect lingered, setting that intimate mood. This was something that would never happen outside, never be seen or heard off. This was Jarvan’s guilty pleasure, to have his lover just for himself, far from duty and the Guard. He could be selfish sometimes, as long as it wasn’t so often.

Now he saw the impact on Xin Zhao, still lightly worried but it seemed almost over. He was embracing Jarvan as much as possible, face resting to his shoulder as if a bit ashamed or shy.

_It’s alright_.

They had all the time they wanted.

Not even feeling the need to chat while the latter was silent like that, Jarvan kept his loving attention going. It went in tender gestures, stroking Xin Zhao’s hair for example. _So soft_. If only there was a hairbrush here, he would have loved to take care of him like this. So trivial and yet so domestic. Then his mind drifted and new ideas came.

« Love, would you like to sleep with me ? »

Genuine question. Jarvan was so used to sleeping alone, it had been years it was this way but solitude never left. To have Xin Zhao with him would not only fulfill that need for company but also offer quality time for the two of them. He wasn’t sure his lover got enough sleep usually.

Xin Zhao parted a bit too suddenly, staring at him in mild shock.

« Together ?? But this… this is incorrect, I can’t hope to share this, my lord. »

_Oh_. It felt like a misunderstanding, like it was taken as in having sex. Maybe one day but not now, Jarvan knew better to than rush everything when they were barely starting.

« Oh dear, I didn’t mean sleeping with me in the sexual way. I would simply love to spend a night with you in my bed, getting some rest you seem to need. »

Next answer wasn’t voiced. It was a dark blush. Really a thing of beauty to see it happen in real time, it also made Jarvan a bit confused by the whole conversation. Since Xin Zhao looked already so tense about exchanging affection, no wonder how he would react to the idea of lovemaking.

« I understood the first time ! My apologies, I thought that merely sleeping was too incorrect to ask, I didn’t think about anything… further. » A bit loud suddenly, lightly startled.

_Ah_. So this explained that. Jarvan had just brought up sex all alone. _Good job_. It wasn’t even on purpose, he didn’t think they would get to that, at least not so soon if it were to happen one day.

« Please don’t apologize, there was no wrong. I would never suggest sharing that kind of intimacy for now. But tell me honestly, would you like to sleep with me if there were strictly no obstacles ? »

Again Xin Zhao looked not so relaxed anymore, however this time is was for less worrying reasons. The sexual topic would have this effect on anyone and it wasn’t even meant to be brought up. Jarvan decided to put that behind them, no need to think about it for now. _Maybe one day if he wants to._

There was still a lot of progress because Jarvan could indeed initiate any kind of affection and it was accepted as quick. While they talked he kept his hands on Xin Zhao, lovingly caressing his cheek as he cradled his face. What a gorgeous man, his only to cherish and worship. Only if he would allow him to.

For a time he seemed to look for his words, obviously conflicted. This had to be expected.

« I would love to but I fear this would be too difficult to have. If it were only for me I’d ask you not to take the risk, not worth it. »

_Good_. He got his answer and it was a positive one. Now he could start to think about any solution to help them. At the same time, it didn’t feel impossible to do, indeed there would be some things to take care of but it seemed accessible.

« Then we shall find a way to do it. I am confident we will find one. What do you fear might be an issue ? »

More time to think, obvious conflict. It was always a bit impressive to see how much Xin Zhao could crave while fighting it at the same time. When the sense of duty was too strong.

« …Everything. The royal guard supposed to keep watch, the timings, the fact that I can’t just put my mission aside to sleep. What if someone caught us… ? »

All of it was very valid and Jarvan understood it wouldn’t be that easy to set up but they would find a way. He was the King and there were some strings he could pull discreetly to get what he wanted. Nothing too suspicious of course but in the end it wasn’t like he used his authority often. For once he could find them something nice to share without inflicting any worry to Xin Zhao.

« No one will find us, I can assure you. About your concerns, I take it seriously and will find solutions to it. Be at peace love, I truly want to have this time with you and it will happen. »

« Thank you, my lord… »

That was enough, Xin Zhao returned to his safe spot against Jarvan’s neck. There he wouldn’t be seen, a bit tense while he hugged him dearly.

« Anything for you, my love… »

No matter how, he would find a way for them to enjoy more than these rare evenings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, the chapters are counted, soon i'll end this fic to hop on a new one for all the sexy content xD


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> more fluff here, some smooch~
> 
> thanks for reading!!

Solitude always hit the worst at night, when there was nothing else to do but sleep. In a perfect world, Xin Zhao would have been already asleep but like some nights, his mind was busy and not in such a bad way. Yes he was still anxious but anxious about positive things, like sleeping with his lover.

_He really suggested…_

What a special request indeed. It specially struck him now that he was alone in that spartan bedroom, always longing for their private time as soon as it ended. Usually Xin Zhao would self-censor a little and try not to think about specific topics, deeming it too incorrect even to entertain for his private thoughts. How disgraceful to think about sharing the royal bed, to pretend to be on the same level than the late Queen. Only she had been worthy enough to sleep there, no one else could. Yes Demacia tended to keep the King as sort of glorified widow meant to stay lonely with his crown until his very last days. The Kingdom didn’t care much about what the man may want, it was more about the status it showed. Far from Xin Zhao to want to risk everything just for a night of sleep in his King’s arms.

And yet he was still thinking about it. He had to be honest with himself, he wished they were free to indulge, wished they weren’t in that exact complex dynamic of a king and his dearest protector. Wished they could be else where, free to love in every way possible. Not that Xin Zhao hated having to hide everything, what worried him was the risk. If it were guarantied they would never be found out at the sole price of always hiding, he would accept in a heartbeat. But life wasn’t that easy and it left him all alone in bed yearning to be held like earlier.

Sweet night it had been.

Memories remained quite fresh, dear time when at last they were free to love each other. Xin Zhao had to confess he had been so anxious, always scared that for the very first time someone would barge into that discreet library that only a few knew of. He knew it was pointless but his fears rarely followed rationality. _It was fine_. King Jarvan himself seemed so peaceful and happy in the beginning, soon to get slightly drunk and merrier.

Remember that exact moment, just before they decided to call it a night, when the latter gently had him back to the door for a devouring kiss. Such raw hunger, was it really so out of character ? Xin Zhao couldn’t tell because he had yet to learn more about his King, this could be true that he was quite passionate in everything about affection. Even now it made him blush, thinking about this sentimental neediness he had witnessed before he walked King Jarvan back to his quarters. Remember that warm mouth, dear love expressed in drunk eagerness. Despite the rather unexpected display, Xin Zhao clung to this memory, trying to engrave it in his brain forever.

He was loved, loved for who he was.

_How shameful…_

He shouldn’t entertain that kind of thoughts, he was a mere royal guard. There was a certain etiquette. But the King himself has said he was free to give or to receive his love, it was fine. Always low fear, lurking like the shadows of the night. It would never go away but surely Xin Zhao could learn to live with it, putting it aside. They had time.

_To the point of sleeping together ?_

Now he was almost certain it was going to happen one day, quite soon. If there was one thing he knew about the man he loved and respected so much, it was that he could be really stubborn. _He will find a solution_. Xin Zhao felt both scared and hopeful at that idea because he knew he would love to share the same bed for rest – as incorrect as it was – but at the same time he would have a hard time ignoring his worries. It was already alarming when they were in a rather formal setting like the library, casually sharing drinks and conversations, no wonder how tense he was going to feel when in bed with the King of Demacia. Nothing could certainly happen but he would remain an anxious ball for a while.

Just to imagine the scene left him anxious but so peaceful at the same time. To be held and to hold back, to share body warmth under heavy blankets, to be a kissable distance for such a long time. The list could go on forever. Was it so selfish to want some love for a while ?

And then Xin Zhao’s thoughts suddenly drifted to a linked topic, sex. _Ah, yes_. Even now he felt himself blush at the mention. He never really needed but King Jarvan might want to share that too. Of course he had just misunderstood the first reaction to his request to sleep but he didn’t seem uninterested by that. Maybe it would happen all alone one day.

Since the mere concept to share the royal bed was shameful for Xin Zhao, thinking about sex might just kill him on the spot. He would have never asked, never mentioned that all alone. A strictly chaste relationship would have been perfectly fine for him but now the topic was brought to him, even on accident. If his King was to ask him - which was likely to happen if considered the « for now » used earlier – then Xin Zhao would agree. He had no real use himself but maybe he could offer something and be able to serve like no one else could in this kingdom. He was at his service, after all, and it would be given gladly.

_What am I thinking…._

Shame, like always. Better avoid this topic for now, it wasn’t going to be addressed any time soon. First to share a bed, then maybe his King would want to go further. No need to be so nervous for nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmmmmh i'm seriously wondering if that is too spicy for the T rating or if it's still safe?  
> anyway i won't go smut in that fic, i'll get a separate one but better be safe


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!  
> ahaha, let's get to night fluff xD

It took some time but slowly Jarvan was close to make it happen. They were going to sleep together, no matter what. Of course this was only because Xin Zhao was also on board because otherwise it wouldn’t even be tried if he didn’t want to. Jarvan had made that quite clear, if there were anything wrong, he could tell him.

Sharing a bed was part of the accepted things, to his great relief. He was quite glad to know they would get to that at some point. It wouldn’t be a full night, better not dream of impossible things but it was enough for his heart. This was another of Xin Zhao’s worries, that his absence would be noticed. So it was decided that he wouldn’t stay very long, just enough to share dear time and get some rest.

Days went and everything was good.

Jarvan had yet to fully register their relationship, the fact that it wouldn’t disappear and that he was really loved by the most honorable man he had ever met. Almost too good to be true. And yet every day they saw each other, far or close, always exchanging at least a gaze if not a discreet smile.

This was their secret. This quiet joy to know the other near.

For him it was the great peace of knowing Xin Zhao by his side, the man he trusted the most with his life. On occasions he had to send him away for few missions but as soon as he could and at the most trivial excuse he got the latter either in the study, an office or whatever private closed space they could find. Just the time for a kiss, a peck, a lingering gaze. Anything that would help each other bear this day better.

It was even sweeter because with time he learned more about Xin Zhao in rather intimate ways. He was always quite worried about any kind of attention showed while in semi-public but on rare times he could be so warm and gentle. A kiss could betray so much. Sadly it didn’t happen so often but it kept Jarvan all dreamy during the day, hoping they could spend more time together. If only things were different and he were allowed to hug and kiss his beloved without the crushing reminder of the entire kingdom, eyes everywhere and heavy responsibilities. Jarvan wished they didn’t have to hide to such an extreme level.

This wasn’t going to change, he knew it well. This was their world and it would stay this way forever. If they wanted to be happy it would be in this setting, doing their best to find other ways but they couldn’t be careless. Especially not Xin Zhao, as serious as he was. This man would rather refuse every single good thing offered to him if it involved any kind of risk for the King. A wonder how they managed to start this relationship because otherwise they would have just longed for each other from afar, too scared to make a move.

No need to think about that, this step was already taken and now they were together. Next step would come soon enough, they just had to be patient and to find the right time.

~

_At last…_

Time could be such a torture when one was waiting for something specific. In the case at hand, it was the first occasion to sleep together. At last Jarvan had put everything in place so they could enjoy a few hours of peace and quiet.

In a moment Xin Zhao was going to join him in his quarters.

Jarvan waited there, near the wooden door that protected his privacy. Soon he would hear a knock, first announce from his dearest. Loud and distinct, impossible to miss. At the same time, he was so impatient that he paid attention to the faintest sound.

A few minutes later it happened and his heart made a happy loop. _He’s here !_

« Come in. » Barely enough composure for the setting, then it would be gone once they got to this privacy.

Xin Zhao appeared as the door opened, revealing his typically serious expression though with a hint of happiness, barely noticeable. _My love…_

« Here I am, my lord. Thank you for your patience. » With quick steps he came in, closing the door afterward.

« I am glad to have you here. Shall we ? »

The main door was closed, it marked the beginning of their privacy and yet Xin Zhao looked tense as ever, like during duty. Maybe it would help to go to the bedroom itself so Jarvan led the way, always so soothed to know his lover by his side even in silence.

« Come. » No way not to smile when he welcomed Xin Zhao, a hand held out to him in invitation.

The real surprised was to see the latter gladly take his hand, only to give it a meaningful peck. _How precious…_ Jarvan wanted to cherish him even more, so happy to know they would sleep together. Since Xin Zhao had stepped in to offer his gentle attention, Jarvan could now close the door of the bedroom behind him and press him to it at the occasion, ready to take that kiss he had been waiting for hours.

A light sound came up in the kiss, so quiet it could have been missed but Jarvan still felt it. His heart couldn’t take it any longer, Xin Zhao was far too wonderful. Despite his constant worry about sharing affection, now he seemed to let it go for a while, shyly holding his King in return. To feel his gloved hands over him was a nice reward.

Air was going to lack at some point so Jarvan had them part, keeping most of the previous contact like a hand against Xin Zhao’s cheek.

« Oh my dear love, I have been waiting for this… » Another peck to his other cheek, another occasion to show his love.

Already he saw color come up to the latter’s face, beautiful hue that never missed to make him so adorable. This time Xin Zhao didn’t avert his gaze although it seemed that he would want to.

« …I have been waiting too, my lord. Thank you for having me here. »

Like a moth to a flame, he covered Jarvan’s hand with his, at last initiating some contact.

« My pleasure, truly… »

The night could start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy next chapter is going to be so sweet <3


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's back!!  
> now more fluff!!

This was so much at once but at the same time it was normal. The unknown always had this effect. Now once did Xin Zhao relax, always so anxious since he knew that evening they were going to find some rest together.

Even now he remained tense under his efficient composure, trying not to worry King Jarvan. _Please…_ It was stronger than him, he longed for affection despite his anxiety.

« Come. »

Always so warm and kind tone when addressed to him. It did help Xin Zhao, slowly joining the latter. So he was led to the bed and everything dawned on him. _Oh_. They were really doing it. They were going to sleep together.

Once more his reflex to tense and overthink went merrily but it wasn’t useful, not right now. It was agreed on and in full honesty, Xin Zhao still wanted to be right here. Plus it made King Jarvan happy.

_I should take off my armor_.

Funny how he didn’t really think about that before, that indeed he was going to have to undress a little. No way he could sleep in armor, this was ridiculous. Aside it made him realize it wasn’t often he saw King Jarvan like this, in that kind of clothing. Something so simple for the night, far from the lavish clothes for the day, when at the court or anything official. Right now it was the opposite, just a man.

All this was interrupted when all alone King Jarvan started to take care of his armor. It felt so natural, like any habit. Like they were used to that before going to bed. Xin Zhao was first a bit surprised but he recovered, quickly following with that task.

« Ah, my apologies. I can take care of this myself. » For a few seconds his fluster was a little heard but he managed to keep that back.

« Let me help, I’d love to see you revealed piece by piece. Please ? »

Oh that was unfair, King Jarvan made eye contact for that specific request, radiating peace and tenderness. No way to refuse.

« Do as you wish. Where should I put the armor afterward ? » Blatant distraction but he needed that after such sweet words.

« Come here. »

King Jarvan took him closer to one of the tables, indeed this room didn’t lack furniture and all looked quite expensive and of good quality. As quick the latter returned happily to his self-appointed task, putting away the pieces of armor one by one as it went. Xin Zhao did his best to help, he wasn’t going to stop him from doing so but he still felt a little worried for letting the King do that kind of mundane and low task.

_It’s not special._ He was used to it, every single day he had to put it on and take it off. Mechanical moves by now, except for when King Jarvan was trying to do his best. A few things were complex to take off.

Silence stayed during that. Xin Zhao had no idea what to say when his thoughts were already so loud. _We’re going to sleep together._ How incorrect and yet for nothing in this world he wished to leave.

After a good time it was done, all of the armor was put aside neatly on the table like his military training required. However King Jarvan didn’t seem to be done since he kept his hand on Xin Zhao, about to lift his tunic.

_Wait ?_

« My lord… ? »

« Oh, sorry, I should have asked. It simply made sense to me that I take off your top clothing, the blankets are more than enough and I’ll do the same. However this is your choice. »

So now he was asked to be half naked for their rest. _Ahhh…_ Not sure if he minded or not but his first reflex was to accept. If it really became an issue later then he would put it back on.

« N-No, it’s alright. Please do. »

King Jarvan did nothing of it, taking his hand instead to guide to bed.

« All good, love. Do you want to take it off yourself or may I have the pleasure to do so ? Please, go in bed, I have to fetch something. »

It was definitely troubling, in the good way. It reminded Xin Zhao of that newfound intimacy, being able to hold each for affection. _If he wants it so bad…_ It wasn’t a big deal for him, just he would have to keep from tensing once the latter did it. To be undressed by his lover sure was a very sentimental and important thing.

« Do it, I do not mind at all. » Not even thinking, he complied and sat at the edge of that large bed, taking off his boots before he truly sat there.

« Gladly… Just one moment then you will have all of my attention. »

How nice and faintly flustering. Xin Zhao still kept an eye on him, curious. Indeed not so long after King Jarvan came back with a hairbrush, putting it on the bed while took care of his own shoes. _Oh ?_ Then he came closer to Xin Zhao, always smiling.

_Is he planning to ?_

The concept was new, no idea how to take that. On the other side, it didn’t cost him anything, this was so easy.

« My lord ? »

« If you can, I’d love to hear my name since we’re together in private. But I’ll respect it if you don’t want to. » Spoken with so much love while he sat behind Xin Zhao, furthering the intention.

The need to sigh came but Xin Zhao resisted it. Always the same thing, the same struggle. He knew he shouldn’t cling like that to protocol and etiquette but it was well ingrained and saying that name without any title felt a bit like blaspheme. _It’s not. Say it._

« …Jarvan ? »

« Thank you, love… Now please can I let your hair down ? I have been thinking about brushing it for a while. »

Here came the request. After the previous thinking, Xin Zhao knew it was fine for him, he was already used to taking good care of it because he was a royal guard and every single detail counted. He tried not to linger on the reasons but seemingly it was just very wholesome, King Jarvan might want to take care of him.

« Please do. »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how many updates just for a night of sleep? xD


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee  
> and so the vote of the day was for the xin/j3!! enjoy!

_Perfect._

Jarvan was free to do as he pleased. Without waiting any longer he took care of untying Xin Zhao’s hair gently, going slowly not to pull in any way. Already he got a feel of his hair and he couldn’t help but relish its softness, so dark and silky. After such a long time thinking about it, now Jarvan could indulge a little.

« Beautiful. Your hair is just like you, really gorgeous. I know it must be in your protocol to keep it up but I’d love to see it down more often, be it only during our privacy. »

Honesty before anything else. Jarvan truly took his time because he knew it wouldn’t be often and Xin Zhao had come here to sleep, not to get overbearing attention on his hair. So there were reasons not to dwell on that or on the opposite to relish his time. This train of thought was interrupted when the latter spoke up, turning his face slightly to a side maybe in hope to give a glance behind.

« If that is your wish then I’ll gladly comply next time. Thank you, my lord. »

Beyond that faintly kind tone from Xin Zhao, it was really cute to see him relax in bed, almost leaning into contact when Jarvan massaged his head through long silky hair. _I hope this is fine_. All this was mostly for his own joy because he liked how wonderful his lover was. As far as he could remember, Jarvan only saw him with his hair down when Xin Zhao was in obligatory rest after his injury, or so to say, in that sort of coma. Back then it had still struck him a little to see the man he respected and cared for so much in such simple and normal attire. The man under the armor.

« My name, love. Please. » It may seem quite annoying from him to insist but he liked to hear his name without any title.

It would always come out so warm and gentle.

« Jarvan. » Xin Zhao looked down in front of him, showing some emotion despite the short time.

« Thank you, Xin. »

Since Jarvan was aware it was too strange for the latter and would require time to get used to it, he came closer and gave a peck to his jaw. Something quite sweet balanced by the light tickle from his beard against skin. Xin Zhao must have liked that because he turned again his face in that same direction, as to follow the urge.

_Focus or we will be at it for hours_. Better not threaten himself with a good time but Jarvan wasn’t sure his dearest friend would want to stay up, already quite anxious about sleeping here.

A bit sad he came back to his previous spot, getting the hairbrush for next step. Xin Zhao seemed to get the hint because he straightened a little in a posture quite serious like one would expect from a guard. Jarvan would have said something but he knew too well Xin Zhao technically wasn’t off duty and would remain tense like this until there were absolutely no risk. Which meant never.

« Tell me if I hurt you. »

From the start Jarvan considered this wouldn’t happen because he was very cautious but better make sure. It would even seem that Xin Zhao had no need of a good hair brushing because it felt in perfect condition. _I’m sure he does it every morning_. Knowing his friend, it was highly likely.

« No risk, my tolerance to pain is quite high. Proceed without fear. »

That made Jarvan laugh a little, of course the latter would say something of the sort while being perfectly serious. And it was true, Xin Zhao was able to resist to a lot of pain. _Obviously_. A shadow of the incident after the battle still haunted Jarvan a little but he had to let it go, no use in lingering on that kind of topic.

Instead he went on his happy task, brushing Xin Zhao’s hair. Like he half expected from a mere look, it was in excellent condition, nothing to untangle. It went so smoothly that it amazed Jarvan a little, glad to get to do that at last. It was so simple and yet so satisfying.

Just this, brushing his most loved friend’s hair.

« I suppose this seems either silly or strange for you but I really enjoy doing that. At last I can take care of you without burdening you with guilt. »

In itself there wasn’t a lot of work to do, leisurely brushing Xin Zhao’s hair although it wasn’t needed at all. But it was nice so Jarvan was happy.

« I do not think this is silly, it is quite enjoyable and I am glad you can find something worth it. Perhaps we should get ready for sleep ? »

There it was, shy but clear, the question to go on. At least Jarvan got his answer, this was mutually liked. Also Xin Zhao was right to ask now, there wasn’t much to do and actually sleeping together was even more interesting.

« Very well… Now let me take that off you, dear. » Stretching a little he managed to put the hairbrush away before coming back to his spot.

It was the previous topic and it had been temporarily forgotten.

« Oh, indeed. »

Better ask again, now at least it was checked twice.

_Let’s do it_. No need to mention it aloud but Jarvan was secretly pleased to be able to undress him a little. It was a great show of trust and that aside, he loved Xin Zhao so he did relish seeing him revealing more skin than what his close armor left to guess most days. It wouldn’t be a surprise though, he had already seen his lover in a lesser dressed state again in that particular time after the injury, light clothing letting bandage to see.

In less time than expected the tunic was off, letting skin to be seen when it was previously hidden. A body covered in scars, some quite impressive while others were barely nicks. It was all the same, Jarvan knew him to be a fighter and despite the old pain it reminded, he found beauty in these marks of battle.

No way to keep that reflex, he embraced Xin Zhao from behind, so happy to feel warm flesh under his hands instead of cold armor or soft fabric.

Now he truly held him.

« How beautiful… »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so much FLUFFFFFFFFFFFFFF


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloooooooooooo  
> MORE FLUFF

… _He seems happy._

That was all that mattered in this world.

Xin Zhao sat there in bed, trying not to get too comfortable because he was on duty but failing sweetly as he was held with infinite love. It was so real, in gestures and words. He felt King Jarvan’s beard and lips against his jaw and neck, wandering a little over bare skin.

This was what it meant to be loved and it brought him such dear peace.

In itself nothing really happened for minutes, both of them relishing the moment in silence except for a few sighs and murmured compliments. King Jarvan really had a way with his words and it made Xin Zhao a bit flustered because he was right there, held with love while being half naked. He wasn’t supposed to be here, to enjoy it and yet he did.

Dear intimacy.

« Love… ? Tell me if anything I do makes you uncomfortable. I truly enjoy having you right here but it means nothing if you don’t feel the same. »

It certainly was cute to hear and register this specific kind of care from the latter. King Jarvan valued a lot his consent and feelings, every time he took care to ask. It made him oddly feel appreciated although there was no reason. Just a lot of respect for each other.

« I do enjoy this moment. » One question remained upon his lips, lightly burning him until he dared to ask. _Do it_. « My lord ? Without commanding you, how about you do the same and take this off ? »

How incorrect. No one should make that kind of request to the King, especially in a setting like this. Xin Zhao already started doubting himself but with every single fear cast aside, he didn’t see why this would be refused. King Jarvan himself had said he would do the same when he first asked Xin Zhao to half undress.

_Please don’t get mad…_ Oh sometimes overthinking was a plague.

« Ah indeed, I forgot about it. Worry not love, I won’t keep you from sleep any longer. » As he spoke King Jarvan caressed his hair, always so kind and tender with him.

« I-It’s alright, thank you. »

The fluster had to be noticed because he felt one of the latter’s hands come up over his chest, seemingly with no intent beyond getting a feel of his beating heart. That made Xin Zhao a bit more shaken but nothing too bad, he simply couldn’t control his reactions well when they were in such a close setting, alone. _Ah…_

« Sorry, my lord, I’ll… I’ll try to calm down. Everything is perfectly fine, no issue at all, it’s just… the first time like this. » The urge to apologize came back with many justifications and attempts at avoiding any kind of question.

_Otherwise he would worry…_

A full circle of worries, accidentally encouraging each other. This was why Xin Zhao put an end to it before it could happen.

« All good, love… I understand this is quite intimate to share so don’t feel bad for being a little restless. You only have to tell me if there is any issue at all. »

Then he felt King Jarvan let him go, which caused a direct scared reflex but Xin Zhao managed to keep it down because it had no use. It had to be done if they were to sleep.

However he remained a bit curious so he turned to face the latter again, at least to appease his irrational fears and maybe to shamefully get a glimpse of royal skin. Had he ever seen King Jarvan half naked ? Now nothing came to his mind while fluster came back.

_Oh no_. He was blushing. He knew he was blushing, he felt it happen.

Now the top clothing was gone. King Jarvan stretched a little at the occasion before folding quickly that piece of clothing and not so carefully putting it away. Xin Zhao struggled to keep his gaze away, knowing very well that this wasn’t correct nor innocent. The latter still looked rather strong although he had gone a little soft, obviously King Jarvan was taught how to fight despite being the King and having no use for this on his own. Quite hairy, at least a lot more than Xin Zhao.

Here was the man he loved and not once he could have been prepared to that special intimacy of seeing each other half naked. It was nothing, yet. It still left him with some outrageous reactions to hold back. Far from him the sexual topic, the mere fact that he was in the King’s bed while they were both in such state was enough to make him worry.

_Take a deep breath…_

All thoughts gone suddenly when King Jarvan took his hand, caressing it with affection. That gaze showed everything needed, care and peace.

A laugh came up, so warm and deep : « Oh, I know I looked a bit better a decade ago. I just entertain the selfish fantasy that you still find me to your taste. Am I wrong or right… ? »

Not just his words, now he really took Xin Zhao closer until he was sitting on his lap. The topic plus that new position only increased his trembling fluster, self-control gone by the window.

_Oh gods…_

« No, I-I-I… » Words failed him in such a crucial moment. Xin Zhao fumbled a little before he was softly silenced by a kiss, a mere peck that ended soon enough to let him speak : « Please, my lord… I would never think that, I do… find you to my taste, no matter how you look, for what matters. »

« My dear friend, my sweet Xin, no need to be distressed like this, I jest… Not once I was doubting your attraction or anything related but sometimes I do like to reassure myself. I’d hate to disappoint you now that we can get a little intimate. »

So many pecks were offered, as many small distractions from a not so serious question. It was clear King Jarvan didn’t mean to cause that kind of reaction and Xin Zhao understood far too well the need to check. Himself would have asked the same if it weren’t for the so many and dear compliments whispered earlier. It was one thing to be loved, it was another to be the origin of attraction or lust.

In the end they just held each other, bodies pressed together as they kissed their breath away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. NOT SLEEP YET??  
> 2\. i'm really wondering if i should swap this fic to the M rating because it's not spicy but maybe the mention is too hot?


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyyyyyyy  
> MORE FLUFF

Sometimes a kiss could convey so much more than words. It was Jarvan’s aim right now, always renewing their kisses until maybe Xin Zhao realized how much he was loved.

For all that time thinking about sleeping together, he couldn’t have imagine this special evening. It was just perfect, the timing, the right amount of clothes to make it intimate but not too much. _Little by little…_ He would be a fool to rush everything before its time, the right solution to actually drive Xin Zhao away from him. No, this wasn’t going to happen, Jarvan did everything in his power to take their time, always asking if it is alright.

Like right now.

Xin Zhao had shown a bit of a fluster earlier and it wasn’t gone so fast, gentle color clinging to his face as proof. It was adorable to a rare point, something Jarvan should have seen coming and yet reality was always so much better than imagination. He held the latter in his arms, so glad to be able to feel skin against his. Something that would never happen outside of this bedroom. Intimacy was great and he dreamed to have more.

_In due time, always._

Overall he was also quite pleased by the reaction he got from Xin Zhao when he undressed a little. Not that he needed a boost for his self-esteem of any kind but it was nice nonetheless to see him get visibly shaken when it happened. Oh so discreet and yet effective praise in urges. Between the two, he considered Xin Zhao the most conventionally attractive – although this wasn’t the first quality that drew him to this honorable soul – he couldn’t say it was facts as he could be biased. The thing was, his lover found him attractive too. Far too telling in his blushing reaction. Not needed at all but Jarvan felt great about it, a very sweet feeling.

_I wonder how it will be when we will have sex_. He couldn’t say in advance if they were going to wander on that path together but it might happen too. The question was when, which didn’t matter much because that too would require some time and intimacy shared for a while. In all honesty, Jarvan wanted that too. He wanted Xin Zhao in many ways, carnal ways too. Oh he could very well be satisfied of a relationship without anything sexual but if it was offered, he would gladly accept.

Only time would tell.

Right now he could relish that embrace, Xin Zhao seemed still a bit shaken but he could recover quite fast. Every kiss was eagerly met, shy tongue exploring him in return so as to show his appreciation. Behind the fluster, there was a lot of affection ready to be given.

The end had to happen, to give place to a new beginning.

« My love ? How about we try to rest now ? » It had the terrible consequence of stopping their dear attention but it had to be done.

« Yes, please, my lord. » Quick answer, like always.

Their embrace had to break for a moment but it would soon be enjoyed again. A fair price.

« Very well. Please lie down… »

It was again quite endearing to see Xin Zhao comply within seconds since it involved finding sleep together. Not even an order but sweet in any case. As soon as he was right where he needed, he gazed back at Jarvan, waiting.

_I should move too._

« I’m here, I’m here… » He simply had to blow the candle then it would be dim enough for proper rest.

As soon as he slipped under the blanket, he was gently beckoned closer by Xin Zhao without any words. Just his hand grabbed and squeezed with affection before it earned a small peck.

« Adorable… »

Not always did he voice his every thoughts because sometimes it wasn’t needed but right now it felt good and despite the time to get used to the lack of light, he could sense the latter’s shyness in the way he nuzzled Jarvan’s hand.

And so started their actual night together, sharing a bed.

Jarvan followed what he had secretly craved, taking Xin Zhao close to him until he could snuggle up against him in peace. This was a bit of a whim but he loved it so much when he got to embrace him tightly, delighted to have skin to skin contact. He wasn’t lying, this was going to be more than nice under the blanket, warmth shared with another body.

How long since the last time he had slept with someone ? _Too long_. Years.

It was a luxury and he was determined to relish it second by second.

« Is everything alright, love ? »

Just in case because the more he knew Xin Zhao, more he seemed ready to get anxious about anything, everything. Which made sense because he was a royal guard, that was a lot of responsibilities on one single person and so he was in constant state of alert. Jarvan knew all this, he couldn’t simply tell him to relax for once but he could ask and offer a lot of affection to help him.

« It’s perfect, thank you my lord… I… I know I will have to get used to this, about sharing your bed but I’m really happy. »

« And you make me happy in return by being right here, thank you love… Just, may I ask you to use my name one last time for tonight, as selfish request ? »

It was selfish, he loved to hear him say it without any title. Right then it wasn’t about a king and a guard sharing a bed, it was just two lovers discovering life together. Sometimes he could be greedy, as long as it wasn’t too much at once.

A bit above him he heard Xin Zhao sigh before he caressed his face and beard : « I love you, Jarvan… »

_How wonderful…_

« I love you too, Xin. Thank you for being part of my life… »

One last time, one last kiss then maybe they could hope to find sleep despite the profuse love exchanged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it, they sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> ayyyyyyyyyy the fluff goes on~

Dark.

The first thing Xin Zhao noticed when he woke up and indeed the room was still rather dark. A very good thing because it meant it was quite early in the night, as it should be. Usually he was a rather light sleeper, always waking up a bit before the time when he was supposed to and right now it did the trick again, he could tell he had slept a few hours as he had planned.

_I should go._

It was the price of such a night together, the very first one. He couldn’t risk everything at once so it was agreed he would sleep here only a few hours before resuming his duty and leaving for the royal guard quarters. No idea if his absence would be noticed, he hoped not.

Now that he was well awake, he registered everything like their close contact. Sleeping with someone was something he hadn’t done for a very long time, a blurred memory. To wake up in the bed of the King of Demacia sure sent a big brick of reality on his head.

_Oh gods_. If anyone heard of this, it might cause an outrage. But only if people heard about it so it was crucial he left not too late.

Dear anxiety, always by his side. King Jarvan too was by his side and that was the sweet side of this whole night. They had slept together – merely a few hours – and most important, they had fallen asleep together. That part made Xin Zhao feel so endeared, even right now. The latter was snuggled up to him quite preciously, like a lover would. With time he got used to the lack of light but he still couldn’t see every single detail. All he felt was King Jarvan’s body pressed to his, arms keeping him in place for their dear rest.

_I wish I could stay…_

Normal, he was so happy right there. However the rest of the world existed and they weren’t free to do as they wished, even the most trivial things like sleeping together. Xin Zhao wanted to stay here a few more hours, to wake up again only to find King Jarvan whispering loving words. It wouldn’t happen though. One sigh left him, eyes stuck on the ceiling while he tried to delay the ineluctable.

_Do I wake him up ?_ The serious side of Xin Zhao said no because sleep was important and the King didn’t had to be bothered during his rest – on the other side he knew too well the latter and sneaking outside in the middle of the night was just going to cause more issues. First King Jarvan would be greatly disappointed and no doubt he would communicate it. Xin Zhao hated to disappoint and he also secretly longed to give a last kiss, to have his last moment before separation. They very first intimate time together, he couldn’t simply run away like a thief.

As to crush his dutiful part, King Jarvan made a quiet noise of sleep before he curled into contact.

_Ah, I can’t go away like this…_

So Xin Zhao moved on his side, facing his love and King. Yet another new and soft thing to do so for that he went slowly, not to be too sudden and because he wanted to relish that moment. By mere reflex his hands returned over the latter, enjoying the feeling of warm skin while it last. How exotic for him to hold someone bare, out of love.

From King Jarvan’s side to his shoulder, neck and face. Only then Xin Zhao actually tried to wake him up, taking a chaste peck as he stroked gently that face he loved so much. A few more deep breaths then there was the typical change from one’s waking. Low mumbling, slow moves over Xin Zhao’s body to get a better hold.

_My love…_

« Jarvan… I apologize for waking you up but I thought it was the best solution. » This time he used the name deliberately although it still sounded as unfamiliar as the first times.

Yes, King Jarvan was now awake. Xin Zhao managed to see him open his eyes, a first useful sign. Suddenly he got the urge to kiss him again but he decided to wait, surely it wouldn’t be recommended before a few seconds.

« Oh, hello… »

_Oh_. His thoughts turned blank once he heard that deep raspy voice. Quite soothing but right now it made King Jarvan even more attractive. Xin Zhao tried to push that aside but he knew he was blushing again. At least the dark hour would help conceal that fact.

« Sorry, I— » Cut sweetly by a kiss. It was normal and it still made him melt when King Jarvan came and rose a little, hands over his cheek and hair, giving this such a beautiful effort.

If only he were allowed to stay here forever, to kiss and sleep.

After practically a good minute of passionate attention, the kiss ended and King Jarvan stayed slightly above him. Smiling. Even the darkness couldn’t hide that and soon it would be heard in his voice.

« My dear Xin, please don’t apologize. I suppose it is time for you to leave… ? »

Life and duty were so unfair sometimes, Xin Zhao was ready to give everything for a complete morning, a few hours, a few more minutes. Not ready to let go.

« It is… I wish I could stay here forever, my lord, I never wanted something that much… »

Saying the name once was enough, he wasn’t going to do it again for the day. In exchange he offered a light kiss, trying to convey his best feelings while they were together. A few instants later, their efforts were ruined, surrendering to urges as they grabbed and held each other tightly. It was too powerful to be repressed.

« I too, dearest… My everything, the rest of the night is going to be so dull once you will be gone and my bed empty. However I will never stand in your duty’s way, you are allowed to leave with my benediction. »

There would be surely other nights like this one, why feel so sad suddenly ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fr, i should think when to cut the fic in half so i can do the smut part tagged accordingly


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE FLUFF AND FEELS

_Alas, my dear love must go…_

If things were different, Jarvan would have used some of his authority and power to excuse any absence of his favorite royal guard. Sadly, the world wasn’t so easy and some things weren’t acceptable. For now he had to let Xin Zhao go for his duty and peace of mind, holding him back would only cause more issues.

He could still try to remember that last kiss right before the latter reluctantly parted and got out of bed. It had been desperate enough on both parts and yet not nearly as close as what they felt in the moment. If only. Jarvan remained quite tired, it had to be very early in the night. However, he accepted that part graciously, no need in complaining because at least he got to see Xin Zhao before he left. That same beautiful man now busy with his armor.

To be fully honest, Jarvan didn’t light up that candle just to make the latter’s task easier, it was also to see better his lover in that particularly intimate moment. Maybe it was very sentimental of him to enjoy this moment. Dressing up or undressing, both had the same soft appeal and he had to admit, seeing Xin Zhao strip completely would also add a touch of lust. No, right now he really liked to see him put on armor deftly, so used to it.

« I must be getting old, I always repeat myself but oh dear you are gorgeous… » Words were never enough to express how much he loved Xin Zhao, how faster he made that heart beat.

There wasn’t much light in this room because only one candle was lit but it only made Xin Zhao so beautiful, stark contrast again dancing shadows. As dark as his hair. Yes Jarvan got stuck on certain details but everything was worth looking. When these words escaped, he saw his lover pause his task shortly before resuming, already looking away in concentration but now it might take a new meaning.

« My lord is too kind. You too are gorgeous, I… I wish I had a better way with words to express it. »

All this while looking away, taking some time to deal with his pauldrons one by one. It could be that Xin Zhao thought this but in reality Jarvan found him already so expressive about what he thought. Maybe it was only a fraction of a whole and one day they would be comfortable enough around each other for Xin Zhao to say everything on his mind. Trust to build, although they were already so far on that path.

« But you already have, Xin. I apologize but so often I just have the urge to say how much I love you. Would you rather I tone it down ? »

Merely to be sure, it never hurt to be careful, especially since he knew the latter to be quite private.

Xin Zhao turned around to look at him, possibly by reflex of politeness : « Please do not, my lord. I really enjoy everything you have to say and I do not wish for it to end. »

_All is for the best._ That answer pleased him greatly, of course he was always ready to change his behavior if it wasn’t good enough but it remained nice to know it was fine.

« Thank you, love… Please, do not feel like you have to stay here to entertain me, I would gladly keep you here forever but your duty must be waiting. »

Putting himself in Xin Zhao’s shoes, he understood how that would conflict him a little, torn between personal longing and duty. Anxiety was a good part of it, it felt like if he indulged a little he wasn’t going to enjoy it as much.

« It is waiting but I still have some time. In return, I hope you are not exhausting yourself for nothing, you must be quite tired. Feel free at least to lie down and rest. »

It was fair, concern went both ways. _How kind…_

« I appreciate the concern but I will not go back to sleep until you are truly gone, I want to seize every single second I can have in your company. Are you done with your armor ? » That last question was spurred byt the evidently empty table now that Xin Zhao had put on everything.

Last hope, useless. From that point they had to separate for a while.

« Yes, my lord. » What did everything here was the tone, so gentle. In quiet steps he walked to the bed, back to his King.

No matter how intimate they were with each other, Jarvan couldn’t simply stay sitting here. He stood up, bare feet meeting the cold stone but this was nothing compared to that dear sadness of saying goodbye to Xin Zhao. Facing each other, he resumed their usual contact, an arm snaked around the latter’s waist and this time it met armor and not warm flesh.

_It is time_. Jarvan sighed, still very happy to have Xin Zhao in his arm and genuinely returning everything but he couldn’t ignore this future solitude. Have a taste of company and agonize until next one.

« I will see you later today, Xin. With some luck I will find time to spend at least a few minutes in private with you, if you do not find any troubles for your… absence. Please tell me if anyone says something. »

Being the King was a huge responsibility but sometimes he could try and pull a few strings to ease the situation. He sincerely hoped it wouldn’t be needed because it was merely the first night, he would hate to know it was that dangerous. If so, Jarvan would have to cut short any kind of private night.

_We don’t know yet, this day will tell everything needed._

« Any second you can find will be properly treasured, be assured. I cannot make any promises yet, I shall see later if there are any issues. Thank you for this night, Jarvan… »

_Oh…_

It always had its little effect to hear his name. Barely the time to recover than Xin Zhao was kissing him tenderly. Far from rushed, only slow affection to satisfy their urges until next time. Jarvan reciprocated the best he could, a hand falling to Xin Zhao’s neck.

It had to end, time was never stopping. The kiss was over, only a sad shared gaze for their longing.

« Go, my love. I will patiently wait for next occasion. » Light caress over Xin Zhao’s cheek, then he freed him.

« Rest well, my lord. »

Then they let go, the embrace was lost and so Xin Zhao left. Not without a few glances behind until he reached the door of the bedroom, open and closed without hesitation.

Solitude could reign again for a while but it would completely smother that small hope for a quick reunion during the day.

_Good day to you, love…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's move to next fluff plot~


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> out of the cycle but i was in the mood for some fluff xD

The second start of the day.

It was time for Xin Zhao to get up and go on duty, morning was here again. He wished he had more time to rest but the hours found there and there would have to be enough for the day. Having slept with his lover did help a lot his mood but the interruption between quarters didn’t much except make him lose some time.

_No, it was good_.

Even now he felt lulled by this fond memory of the night, falling asleep with King Jarvan in his arms. The whole arrangement may have exhausted him a little but it was worth it in the end. If he were given the choice, Xin Zhao would do it every night.

Sadly, the memory also brought up his longing. He remembered when he had taken off and then put on his armor in the presence of his King. No, he wasn’t flustered because someone had seen him take care of that kind of private task, Xin Zhao had long said goodbye to his privacy thanks to Noxus and the arenas. The real fluster came from feeling that gaze he knew gentle over him, either from love or lust. He couldn’t tell which.

Before he had been a mere weapon, made to bring money to his masters. The gaze over him had since changed, from mere financial appraisal to personal interest. To be considered like a real human being wasn’t exactly new but Demacia did help a lot in that. And then there was King Jarvan, each day finding new words to tell his love.

_I hope he won’t ever stop…_

How shameful to admit that but it was true, Xin Zhao liked it. He enjoyed knowing someone loved him for who he was, not just his usefulness. Oh of course there were some in his place that didn’t exactly like him, or clearly despised him like the delightful Tianna Crownguard but before anything, Xin Zhao had found recognition here. The young Prince even found a friend in him.

_Ah yes, the Prince._

Today Xin Zhao was going to see him at some point, surely during the Prince’s lessons after his breakfast. This would have to wait because it was far too early at the moment, even the King was still asleep – or supposed to be.

A guard’s duty was always quite strict, Xin Zhao had to go soon. At least he hadn’t had any kind of issues for now about the night, no one told him anything and his absence didn’t seem too suspicious. This was as good as it could be.

All he hoped was for some time with King Jarvan at some point of the day. Maybe a bit of a demanding request but obviously it was wanted on both sides and Xin Zhao would always long to find privacy, even for barely one minute.

Only time would tell.

~

He had been summoned, at last.

With quick steps he made his way in the palace, going straight to one of the King’s offices. The kind of place where he discussed serious matters in reduced committee. For Xin Zhao, it was the perfect occasion to see each other and he could surely guess it was a blatant excuse for a private meeting.

_My lord…_

Running around the palace and the army quarters all day was tiring, so he wasn’t saying no to a small break. Especially not when it could include a few kisses.

He arrived at the right door and knocked as quick. In these cases, he was allowed to come in as he had been specifically summoned.

« My lord. »

As soon as he stepped inside, he indeed found the latter sitting in one of those expensive chairs of the room, clearly waiting for him. Xin Zhao didn’t lose any time and closed the door behind him. A quick look around and indeed they were alone. However he wasn’t about to drop any sense of etiquette as soon as they found certain privacy, first because it was difficult not to follow protocols and because fear remained by his side every day.

« Xin. » Merely a name and yet it was said with such clear joy. « Please, join me. »

« You have called for me so here I am. »

One single look at the King and he was so tempted to forget the rest of the world. It was a bit silly, they had seen each other that same night and yet he craved to be free. However Xin Zhao could never forget and kept everything formal until the very end.

Nonetheless he complied and came closer until he could face King Jarvan, concealing everything he could. So close and yet the semi-public side of the palace always made him doubt about safety.

« Indeed. To be honest, I do have a real topic to discuss with you but I also shamelessly seized the occasion to hold you here for a while. Will you forgive me ? »

Such a dear smile, full of simple joy. Xin Zhao would never be able to say no, just to stand here was appreciated.

« There is nothing to forgive, I… this is not bothering me in any way. » To the very last second by safety.

« Good. »

He saw the latter stand from his chair, only to cross distance in a few easy steps. Xin Zhao said nothing, silently longing for an embrace while he held his spear. What would King Jarvan do ? Surrender so fast to temptation ? It was possible and Xin Zhao would always say yes no matter what. So there was no surprise when he was gently pulled to his King by the waist. The other hand quickly found his face, caressing with that same tenderness of the night right before they had fallen asleep.

_Yes…_

« Is it… is it alright, my lord ? »

Fear always guided his thoughts, it was his issue to control but Xin Zhao always preferred to be too cautious than to blame himself for tragic results.

« Yes, love. Waiting for you has been torture… »

Proof that indeed they were in private, the tone dropped to a whisper. The last thing that graced his King’s lips before it silenced any possible worries with a kiss.

_At last…_

For once Xin Zhao could indulge a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soonish, soonish~


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> we getting close to the end of the first part, be ready!

Oh how hard could it be to hold back all day.

_He’s here now…_

Jarvan wished he could keep his lover here forever but like every single time it crossed his mind, he knew it wouldn’t happen. Life was going on outside, they both had responsibilities and in the end the King wasn’t allowed so many things. His own symbolical golden cage.

No need to sit in sadness and defeat, he shouldn’t instead focus on what he had. Right then Xin Zhao was eagerly answering his kiss, letting his free hand find Jarvan’s arm. Never inappropriate. _I wish_. However that would be too out of character and he couldn’t hope for such initiatives, at least not now.

This was really becoming a recurrent topic, Jarvan should either bury it for a while or bring it up.

_I doubt it would be safe to do it so soon._

First a few more chaste nights together then maybe he would give it a thought, only if Xin Zhao seemed open to it. Not for now then, especially not the kind of thoughts he should have when he had the latter in his arms, fighting his own worries to return affection. It was already so great that Xin Zhao accepted a kiss in such setting, when only a few doors kept them from the rest of the world.

Everything had an end. Even after they parted that same kindness remained, clinging sweetly to the mood just like Jarvan would have wanted to do with his lover. He didn’t because it was a little open and although the risk was so low, he didn’t want to cause any kind of bonus worry for Xin Zhao.

« Ah it feels good to be home. Tell me, love, did you find any troubles after our night together ? »

To have Xin Zhao right here was impossible to resist though so Jarvan indulged a little while considering risks, leaning close to nuzzle quietly the latter’s neck. All he found was Xin Zhao’s typical very clean smell and that very soft feeling to the touch when Jarvan got a hand through his high ponytail. All he needed to be happy, almost to the point of forgetting what he had asked.

« I did not. It seems that no one really noticed, plus I was more than ready in time for my own duties. I think everything went well. »

It wasn’t spoken loudly, merely a whisper for the two of them. Jarvan didn’t miss a bit of it although he was also relishing that instant. _Then it’s all good._ They had succeeded, unless a problem fell on them later during the day or any time. But if it were so important, Jarvan would have already heard of it.

« I am very pleased to hear that. Shall we start planning our next night together ? »

Some matters needed to be discussed face to face, not while hugging his lover childishly. Jarvan straightened up, not without running his hand over Xin Zhao’s cheek while he suffered a sudden urge of affection.

Brief flicker in the latter’s eyes, something close to eagerness but quickly smothered either by fear or cautiousness. It was still sweet to see, Jarvan just hope a day would come when Xin Zhao let himself be open about what he felt, before his reflexes to cover up everything acted.

« Yes, my lord. » There, oh so controlled.

« First I need to be certain, did you enjoy our night ? Was it more positive than negative ? »

A bit of a strange question for anyone else but he wanted to be sure about it. Before anything, Xin Zhao considered himself as a soldier, someone at his service so he would always first choose what his King might prefer to hear. Of course since then it was known and stated that his opinion mattered as much but on occasions Jarvan wanted to put everything loud and clear.

« I enjoyed it very much, I… » This time it wasn’t a flicker, more like Xin Zhao was conflicted about expressing something or not. He took Jarvan’s hand and kept it over his cheek, making eye contact. « It could have gone wrong and yet it did not so so I think we should repeat that again. I would like to, at least. »

When even the truth sounded like a confession. Jarvan had a lot of compassion for him, he guessed it wasn’t so easy having to express his own opinion when for anyone else at the palace it didn’t matter.

The answer remained and Jarvan was happy with it. One very good point for them.

« Then we will find time to spend other nights like this one. I understand it might not work like this but I hope that since the first night went well then maybe you will feel less worried for the next ones. It won’t be unknown territory anymore. »

« I guess so but please my lord, I do not think I will ever stop worrying. However it might indeed make it easier for me to relax next time. »

Nothing new, Jarvan already knew it was a long path until possibly his lover could get to open up a little more or just to put aside his sense of duty for a while. A few hours to sleep could be a start.

« We still have time, love, do not fret. When do you think we could spend another night ? Next week ? »

« Next week ? »

_Aww…_

Such genuine surprise, it was quite endearing to see.

« Why ? Would you rather we wait a little more ? It is whenever you want, my dear Xin, whenever you feel it is safe enough. »

« No, it simply felt a little early, I thought we would have to wait more. Next week sounds good to me… To make sure no one noticed. »

« Then next week it shall be… Now would you please allow me to kiss you ? »

Silly request but for once he had Xin Zhao here, he had to take advantage of their excuse. Jarvan noticed that faint reaction, fluster quickly hidden.

« Of course, my lord. Please do. »

In these times it felt safer to be the one to initiate. With time Jarvan was going to coax him more but for now it was alright, they could wander down that path slowly. With infinite tenderness he cradled Xin Zhao’s face and pressed a gentle kiss to his waiting lips.

One more step together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as said up there, i think i will cut the fic after next update, to then resume it in another one with the E rating because oh boy it gonna be sweetly spicy~


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> Here comes the 'last' chapter!!  
> More details at the end~

It was barely the beginning.

Xin Zhao had yet to understand that fully, it took time to register the latest changes in his life. First the whole thing about being injured, then later confessions and now he had slept for a few hours with the King of Demacia. From Noxian jails to the royal bedroom, there was a stretch and somehow he did it.

It slowly caught up with him a few days after that sweet night. Sadly he wasn’t able to stay long or his absence would be noticed but it was enough to give him hope. And then to realize they could repeat that so many times since it didn’t look like anyone noticed.

But one at a time, slowly.

A week wasn’t exactly long to wait and it wasn’t so short either. More than once Xin Zhao found himself quietly wondering about that time. He had had a first taste, now he needed more. At least now he already knew how nice it had been to hold his lover as they slowly fell asleep. Pure joy, so peaceful. No doubt it was going to be the same once they found time to do so. All he had to do was to be patient and plan this carefully just like the first time.

Plus it wasn’t their only time together. Just like that first day after their night together, King Jarvan had found an excuse to meet. They took care not to draw too much attention but it remained quite normal for a royal guard to stay close to said King.

At least once per day, twice if possible after enough time.

Sometimes it was just a kiss behind closed doors if King Jarvan managed to catch him long enough, more often they had to settle for a few longing gazes at each other during councils or anything that involved the court or other people.

Oh he remembered one exact time when they could go to the library. These occasions weren’t so often because again, the King was busy and he didn’t have much free time. So they ended up at that far library, first enjoying some liquor and once Xin Zhao had soothed his own worries, they got a little more affectionate. From mere hand holding to passionate kisses and embraces, as alcohol helped. He remembered it because it was such a dear time, yet another occasion for privacy and so far they had never been bothered. It was there that they discussed their plans for the following night together, choosing carefully a day without any kind of difficulties.

Soon they would be together again, soon they would find peace with each other.

~

_Don’t get used to it…_

For sure, it wouldn’t have terrible consequences if Xin Zhao did get used to these nights but he wanted to prevent this, at least by safety. What they were doing wasn’t safe, far from it. Only thanks both their cautiousness could it take place, which already required a lot of attention to details.

No need to risk it all by being careless, it wasn’t difficult to guess how bad it could turn if anyone found him in King Jarvan’s bed. Maybe being in the bedroom wasn’t that strange because his duty could require him to do many things but beyond that, it would doom them without a doubt. So yes he preferred not to get used to it, not to let his guard down.

He thought about it because that same evening they were going to meet again once night had fallen.

A mere night together, a few hours to sleep in each other’s arms until Xin Zhao felt like he had overstayed his welcome.

_Tonight_.

In all honesty, he was really forward to that time. It made sense because they found privacy that they could never get any where else. The library wasn’t the same, hidden corridors and quiet offices weren’t the same. The bedroom truly had its own kind of intimacy that they both relished as soon as they put doors between them and the rest of the world.

How many nights already ?

Not that many but Xin Zhao kept counting them, cherishing every single one to its worth. So far they had slept together four times. Four times they had been able to slip away from the harsh reality of the kingdom for a few hours, finding peace and love with occasional blushes and sweet words. Yes, even after the first night Xin Zhao struggled a little at staying calm once they got under the blankets. It was so soothing to be right there and yet he would always get that same fluster no matter what.

Ignoring the truth wouldn’t help his case.

_He’s just so…_

No words could efficiently describe that feeling. All he knew was the consequences of such feelings, the fluster that never left, these lovely butterflies thrumming back to life once he got the privilege to lie down against King Jarvan’s bare chest. This was the origin of everything, privileges. Or how he considered it. Love wasn’t a privilege, it merely happened and now they were blessed by such deep mutual care, it felt like the last piece of the puzzle. Although it wasn’t love that reduced him to such a mess of concealed reaction, more like a need for skin and presence. Not even in the crude sense it could have, Xin Zhao merely wanted curl up against the latter, to snuggle until they found sleep. It felt so natural and so he felt ashamed of himself.

_Stop_.

These thoughts weren’t useful while he was on duty, he risked to get caught idling – which never happened but better be safe than sorry. Never caught slipping and it wasn’t about to start, not when he had a new reason to fulfill his duty.

Patience, again. He had to wait until that evening, when at last it would be safe enough to slip into the royal quarters. Only then would he feel like himself, free to love.

One night after the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i've made this clear already but this fic isn't over yet, I'm simply moving to a second fic to tag it properly (smut incoming)  
> In any case I'll get all the fics in a same collection~

**Author's Note:**

> So! I will try to update this along my other series so maybe count every 4 days, if there is not problem on my side xD  
> Please be merciful, I'm trying my best for this fic T__T
> 
> For more info, find me on:  
> > twitter: @niceswordboots  
> > tumblr: https://aracdo.tumblr.com/


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